Steph's Stuff

My New Blog

2010-02-02T13:57:00.005-05:00

This weekend I created a new blog that I wanted to share. It is called I Choose Healthiness. It is about my journey to losing weght and getting healthy. Along with my story I want to share tips, articles, recipes and more. Check it out!

A year in review (2009)

2009-12-29T08:12:00.001-05:00

What a year it has been. Most of the memories in my head are things I would rather had not happened. Isn't it funny how your mind sometimes tends to remember the bad parts instead of the good. It is also funny how one bad even can overshadow and make the good memories not so good anymore. Here is highlights from my year...

February 1: My Grandma Semple suddenly passed away at the age of 83, one month and 14 days before her 84 birthday. It was also the Super Bowl...funny, I to this day I cannot remember who won it. My Grandma was one of my best friends. I could tell her anything and she did not judge. Writing that reminds me of the last time I saw her alive...the week before she passed. She seemed so good...I picked on her as usual and she picked back. Sitting here and writing this I can feel the hug I got from her that day.

March: Grandpa had a small stroke. It was so hard to deal with so close to losing Grandma. However, he is doing well, maybe taking things a little slower but he is 81 after all.

June: Shawn moved into a group home in Bath. It was hard for Mom and Dad to get him to the home that night but he quickly settled in. Now he doesn't like to be away for long periods. He is doing amazingly well...Praise the Lord!

June 26: I finished my I finished my 11th complete year of being a Special Education teacher. Where does time go? It seems I only graduated a few years ago but in reality it has been 11.

July 3: I started my 4th summer working in Day Treatment for summer school. It proved to be the best "year" in summer school yet. My best memory from summer school this year was going to Roseland Water Park with my students. They had so much fun and I did too.

June 28: Dustin turned 30. I had a surprise party for him...it was a success and a very nice day.

August 21: The day I found out my husband was having an affair. At first I thought it had only been going on for a few months. Later I was to find out that it had been taking place almost a year. Devastation set in and I didn't know what to do. Eventually he moved out. Towards the end of September we began talking again and got back together soon after. Our relationship has changed so much since August. We are whole again, not broken as we once were. That is not to say our marriage is perfect but it has come a long way. Amazing that I can sit here and say praise the Lord for letting this happen but had it not happened I don't know where we or our marriage would be right now.

October 8: We celebrated our 4th anniversary. For our anniversary we went to Ralph Wilson Stadium to watch the Bills play the Cleveland Browns. I was excited because the Browns had a worse record than the Bills so I thought they would win. Nope, that didn't happen. While it was a terrible game it was a fund day. We had a hotel room that night complete with a jacuzzi in our room. Dinner was Applebee's take out. The next day we stopped to get apples, pumpkins, gourds and did a little shopping at the outlet mall. It was a wonderful weekend, one I hated to see end but a good memory.

November 8: Dustin had a heart attack and a catheterization and stent put in the following day. Who would have thought at the young age of 30 my husband would have a heart attack? Not me or him that is for sure. We also both had the Swine Flu before his heart attack. Mine was accompanied with pneumonia. After his heart attack I had bronchitis and pink eye. The events of November resulted in my only working 6 complete days that month.

Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving was nice although we all missed my Grandma. Mom, Dad, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa spent the day with us.

December 15: This day marked my one year anniversary of my breast reduction. I am still in awe at how much the surgery changed my life and so very happy I had it done!

Christmas: It was a beautiful Christmas this year. Dustin and I spent Christmas Eve at his parents' with Dawna, Alaina and Erik. Christmas morning we opened gifts and had breakfast at our house. We then traveled to Lindley then Bath to spend time with my parents, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa. Our time was cut short because of the weather which I was very disappointed about but I am blessed I was able to spend, even a short time, with my family. I think my most memorable gift this year came from Dustin. It was a stocking, actually from Augge, Zoey, Gucci and Zeke. The tag said "Someone in heaven wanted us to get this for you from her". Obviously the someone was my Grandma. Oh how I missed her Christmas Day. Dustin and I visited her grave because I felt I needed to do that. Grandpa seemed to be doing as well as could be expected and loved the digital frame we got him with pictures and messages in it.

As I was typing this I realized there are more happy memories than I first thought. I am sure I forgot something but I guess I will save that for another time. All in all I am ready to leave 2009 behind and see what 2010 has in store for us. It may bring more sad memories but some of the best memories could be coming in 2010. Wishing you all a Happy 2010 with God, your family and friends at your side.

The last 2 weeks...

2009-11-15T15:03:00.011-05:00

have been crazy in the Roach household to say the least. Let me fill you in. I am going to use phrases and dates to make it easier for me to write since so much has gone on.

Sunday, November 1
- 4:00pm went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch part of the Viking-Green Bay game
- Got home around 6:00pm
- 7:00pm Dustin starts to feel sick

Monday, November 2
- Dustin wakes up very ill, he goes to the doctors and finds out he has swine flu

Tuesday, November 3
- Stephanie wakes up achy but goes to work. Within 45 minutes of being there she is sick so she goes to the nurse. The nurse sends her home.
- 11:45 Stephanie goes to the doctor's and is much sicker, can barely move, fever and a lot of breathing difficulties; swine flu and pneumonia

Wednesday, November 4
- Stephanie is so sick she cannot move or talk. She is very achy but cannot catch her breathe even if she only rolls over in bed. Thank God Dustin is feeling a little better because Stephanie is prescribed a nebulizer and someone had to go pick up the medicine. Dustin is also able to meet the man bringing the nebulizer and learn how to use it.

Thursday, November 5
- Dustin returns to work even though he is not 100%.
- Stephanie still very sick.

Friday, November 6
- Dustin works.
- Stephanie is still very sick.

Saturday, November 7
- Dustin is feeling well.
- Stephanie still in bed all day.

Sunday, November 8
- A lazy day watching football. Stephanie is able to get out of bed and do a few chores.
- 10:45pm Stephanie is in bed trying to get some sleep because she needs to go to work the next day. Dustin calls her down and tells her his left side and arm are numb. He also has tingling in his neck and jaw. Stephanie tells him he needs to go to the hospital because it sounds like a heart attack. Dustin refuses.
- 11:15pm Dustin calls Stephanie downstairs again. He says he is having chest pains. Stephanie tries to get him to go to ER, he refuses. They argue and she goes back to bed but can't sleep because she is worried.
- 11:45pm Dustin calls Stephanie back down. He is at the bottom of the stairs on his knees holding his chest. He calls Mike (the Chief at the fire department, a friend and an EMT). Mike tells Dustin he needs to call 911. Dustin gets off the phone and tells Stephanie Mike said he needs to go to the hospital (doesn't mention ambulance even though that is what Stephanie was thinking. She listened to him because he was so nasty. Never again...she will call 911.)
- The ride to the Auburn ER was terrible. Dustin was yelling at Stephanie for how fast she was driving and for stopping at red lights then going through them. Alternating from yelling he is saying he is having a heart attack.

Monday, November 9
- 12:10am We arrived at the hospital. They immediately take Dustin in, hook him up to EKG (one of his fellow firemen was working the EKG machine), put 2 IVs in him and other machines. The give him nitroglycerin and some other pills. His chest pains start to subside.
- 12:30am The ER doctor says Dustin is going to Upstate Hospital in Syracuse because they think he had a heart attack. He will go by ambulance; lights and siren. The plan is for Dustin to have a heart cath as soon as he arrives in Syracuse.
- 12:50am TLC takes Dustin.
- 2:00am Stephanie arrives at Upstate with Dustin's Mom. They are greeted by the doctor called in. He said the EKG and echo-cardiogram doesn't show anything wrong with Dustin's heart so they are not going to do the cath. However, he is being admitted. They believe he might have fluid around his heart from the flu.
- 6:00am The first set of blood work comes back. There is high level of an enzyme that signifies damage to the heart. If it continues to increase a cath will need to be done.
- 8:00am The doctor comes to see Dustin. They decision is made, a cath will be done. They estimate it will be done at 11 or a little after.
- 10:30am Dustin is headed to the cath lab. His second set of blood work comes back with an increase in the enzyme signifying something damaged his heart. They say that is everything is fine the cath should take about 45 minutes. However, if they are going to repair something it will take more like 1 1/2 hours.
- 11:35am Dustin and Stephanie's friend, Jen arrives at the hospital. In her heart Stephanie knows the cath has taken too long and there is something wrong but her head won't believe it.
- 11:50am The doctor comes out. He bluntly states that Dustin had a heart attack last night. Stephanie loses it, hyperventilating and sobbing. The doctor does not have very good bedside manners. He told her she needs to concentrate and listen, not giving her any time to compose herself. Thank God for Jen who helps Stephanie calm down.
- Noon Dustin comes out of the cath, looks drained and just keeps saying "I had a heart attack".
- The rest of the day is fairly uneventful compared to the last 12 hours. Stephanie has to leave at 8pm because of state laws regarding spread of H1N1. At 8:20 she leaves a sobbing mess. Her parents are still there so they go out to dinner. Jen is spending the night with her so she doesn't have to be alone.
- 11:45pm Stephanie finally gets to bed for the first time since Sunday morning.

Tuesday, November 10
- 5:15am Stephanie is up. Jen and Stephanie clean the house and prepare a bed for Dustin.
- 9:00am Stephanie arrives at the hospital.
- 10:15am Dustin is released. On the way home they stop to get his prescriptions and some healthy food.
- 12:15pm Finally home but it was very rough and emotional for Dustin. They both settle in for a nap.

Wednesday, November 11
- Another emotional day. Stephanie is feeling sick again but Dustin is doing well physically.

Thursday, November 12
- Stephanie tries to go to work but goes home because she is so sick. Dustin is doing ok. Keith comes to spend a few hours with him.

Friday, November 13
- Stephanie goes to the doctor. She has bronchitis deep in her lungs and is put on prednisone. Dustin spends part of the day with Keith.
- 9:45pm Stephanie is at Auburn Hospital for her sleep study.

Saturday, November 14
- 5:40am Stephanie returns home from her sleep study (she is told she snores like a truck driver :D )and goes back to bed. She sleeps late, goes and gets groceries then takes a nap. Dustin and Stephanie spend the evening together. Dustin is feeling better physically and emotionally although his emotions come out every once in a while.

Sunday, November 15
- Stephanie continues to feel better. Her parents and brother come for lunch. Dustin goes to hang out with one of his friends.

The last 2 weeks have been insane, especially Dustin's heart attack. Nobody ever would have guessed that he would have one at the age of 30 and appearing to be healthy. We did find out today that his Grandfather does of a heart attack at 40 and his Grandma's brother died of a heart attack at 21.

I am so thankful that God has carried us through the last 2 weeks. We wouldn't have made it through without Him. I am thankful he spared Dustin and is allowing him more time on earth. I am thankful for all my friends and family that rallied around us, prayed for us and helped us through. Cherish each moment you have with your family and friends. Don't take anything for granted. Life is short. Love God and praise Him for all the blessings he has given you!

Why is it so hard?

2009-10-19T20:54:00.000-04:00

I had a rough counseling session today. The first session I had a few tears but this session they were more like a flood. I know I need to take care of myself but it is so hard to get there. I asked my counselor why it is so hard. He said it is because of the things that have been ingrained in my head for 33 years. I told him I think I am just plain lazy. He said I don't think you are lazy you are just afraid; afraid of what I could lose and afraid of being successful but at the same time afraid of failing. At that I started laughing. Of course I had to agree with him. I know one day this will all fall into place as long as I keep working and focus on the goal. It is so hard to be patient!

Session 2: Homework

2009-09-21T20:16:00.002-04:00

I had my second session of counseling tonight. It went very well. We talked about the things that have happened since my first session and my feelings about them. Then we started in on how I am going to start taking care of my house. This short 45 minute conversation led to a long list of homework for me! I am to work on myself and report back at my next session. I thought my days of getting homework were over but I guess I was wrong! :D

My homework:
1. Start exercising and eating better
2. Start going to church more often
3. Start doing a daily devotional every morning
4. Clean my bedroom
5. Set up my scrapbooking area
6. Work on cleaning the rest of the house

It doesn't seem like a long list but it really is. These are all things I need to do to take care of myself. They are things I, along with the help of M, identified. Stay tuned for how I am doing on these tasks!

Session 1: Hello! My name is Stephanie and I am an enabler and food addict

2009-09-10T18:59:00.016-04:00

Did that make your eyes bug out? Imagine my thoughts and the look on my face when I was told this, not in a mean way but in counseling. I went to my first counseling appointment today. I was so nervous! I had sweaty palms, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to be sick. The nerves were not worth it...things went great and I can't wait to go back. I had to give a lot of background during this session. I talked about my past with Dustin, my family and his family. While talking my counselor, whom I will call M, gave me some feedback. His feedback was very interesting. Of course some of the things he said I already knew but it was nice to have it affirmed by someone else. So in a nutshell:

- I am an enabler.
- I feel like I have to be perfect in performance but don't take care of "me" meaning my emotions.
- I am nurturing which is great in my profession but does not work in a marriage such as mine.
- I figure if everyone around me is OK then I have to be OK so I take care of others and ignore myself. I knew this but he reaffirmed this.
- I don't have to be afraid of the future but in order to never again fall into this "trap" I need to begin thinking about and taking care of me.
- It is OK to ask help and I need to but to do so goes completely against the person I am.

There was so much more but that is it in, as I said, a nutshell and I don't want to get into some of it publicly because it is not about me per se. EXCEPT for the food addiction...

At the end of our session he said I have one more question. He said it is the end of our session so I could walk out of there and never come back if you want. Then came the question. What does your weight have to do with the kind of person you are. At first I was like, this guy is saying I am fat. After listening to him I don't think that at all but honestly, at first, I was offended as I am sure many would be. I didn't know the answer but he did. Basically I eat and am "addicted" (I use that word loosely) to food because it is a way to ease my tension, to make myself feel better and to hide my emotions. Interesting and I can't say that he is wrong. Of course he compelled me to go back. Not that I needed compelling because I didn't and would have gone back anyway.

M gave me a chapter from a book to read before our next session. Interesting that he had it sitting out and just had to go copy it. Did he "know" me before he met me?

My next appointment is September 21. I am really looking forward to it.

By the way...I only cried twice...when I talked about my miscarriage and when I talked about my Grandma passing away in February. I told him that I have not been crying that much...only when I am at my breaking point. It seems as if I am blocking my feelings off and keeping them hidden.

**I should add, for those of you who don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He is taking some time to decide if he wants to be married to me.

Where do I go from here?

2009-08-31T10:12:00.006-04:00

The last 10 days I have dealt with a betrayal that has shaken me to my core, a betrayal I thought I would never feel. A betrayal that brought more pain to me than I ever thought was possible. A betrayal that has put many questions into my mind. The biggest question being...where do I go from here? I can choose to let this pain make me bitter or I can choose to grow from it. I choose to grow. It is certainly not an easy task but one that I can do with God by my side.

Pain is not the only thing I have felt the last 10 days. I have felt the security of friends and family. I have felt support and love from so many. Many, many more than I thought was possible. God certainly knows what I have needed and He has provided. Often over the last 10 days have I need comforted knowing God was with me along with all the others. The poem Footprints in the Sand has come to mind more times than I could even count.

Footprints
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

~ Mary Stevenson

A reminder to us all that God is with us...no matter the time, no matter the place, no matter the circumstances.

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Mickey Mantle

2009-08-15T08:36:00.008-04:00

Mickey Mantle is a name I learned from my Mom, an avid Yankees fan. When she was a young girl her Dad would take her to Yankees games where she saw Mickey Mantle play.

Who was Mickey Mantle? He...

- lived from October 20, 1931 – August 13, 1995
- died on August 13, 1995 at the age of 64 from liver cancer
- was inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame in 1974
- played his entire 18 years of major league baseball for the New York Yankees
- played in 12 World Series games
- longest official home run: 565 feet
- Most World Series Home Runs: 18
- Most World Series RBIs: 40
- Most World Series Runs Scored: 42
- Most World Series Total Bases: 123
- Most World Series Walks: 43
- Most World Series Strikeouts: 54
- Most At-Bats for the Yankees: 8,102
- Most Games Played for the Yankees: 2,401
- Debuted for the Yankees on April 17, 1951 and played his last game on September 9, 1965
- In 1956 when he won the Triple Crown, Male Athlete of the Year award, the American League MVP award by a unanimous vote and the Player of the Year award
- it is said he was an alcoholic

What is often not heard about Mickey Mantle is that before his death he became a born-again Christian because of the ministering from Bobby Richardson. When he was asked what reason he would give God to let him into heaven his reply was John 3:16..."For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

As I was driving to work Thursday, the anniversary of Mickey Mantle's death, I heard about his Change on FLN. Tears filled my eyes and goosebumps plastered my body. How amazing that someday I will meet Mickey Mantle in heaven. How amazing (in a sad way) is it that he becoming a Christian is not more widely publicized.

While I was researching this I found an article written by David R. Currie after Mickey Mantle passed away. The title? Mickey Mantle's Greatest Homer (http://www.txbc.org/1995Journals/October%201995/Oct95MickeyMantle.htm). Here it is in its entirety:

MICKEY MANTLE’S GREATEST HOMER
by David R. Currie,
Coordinator

NBC sportscaster Bob Costas had the privilege of delivering the eulogy at the funeral of Mickey Mantle. Shortly into his eulogy, he said,

“I guess I’m here, not so much to speak for myself as to simply represent the millions of baseball-loving kids who grew up in the ’50s and ’60s and for whom Mickey Mantle was baseball.

“And more than that, he was a presence in our lives — a fragile hero to whom we had an emotional attachment so strong and lasting that it defied logic.”

He certainly represented me. It may not be logical but I saw Mickey Mantle play one time. We went to the All-Star game in Houston in 1968, his last year. Tom Seaver struck him out. I was three rows from the top of the Astrodome. I joined the standing ovation. I cried. I saw Mickey Mantle bat.

Two Christmas’s ago, my wonderful niece Kim and her husband Steve gave me a plaque with an 8x10 picture of Mickey Mantle, a baseball card, and the inscription “Mickey Mantle, 536 lifetime homers.” When I opened the gift, I started crying. It has hung in my office since that day.

When Mickey Mantle died, I cried off and on for two days. There is not a logical explanation, and I do not care to have one if there is. As far back as I can remember (I was born in 1952), Mickey Mantle was a daily part of my life until he retired in 1968. I loved the Yankees. My sister and Uncle Willard loved the Dodgers. That made us mortal enemies nearly every October. Show her videos today of Roy Campenella, Duke Snider, Gil Hodges, and Pee Wee Reese and you can watch an otherwise sensible 48 year old woman cry. It probably has something to do with our Daddy and his love for baseball.

Mickey Mantle remained my hero through the years (even after I thought it was wrong to have heroes unless they were your parents, teachers, preachers, etc.), despite the stories I heard of his life-style. I can tolerate people’s struggles. It is self-righteous pharisees that bug me. I did transfer a strong allegiance to Bobby Murcer with the Yankees, and still recall standing and cheering on my seat in Ranger stadium when he homered in the early ’70s. And I still have the newspaper clipping of the night game he played on the day he spoke at Thurman Munsan’s funeral. The Yankees won 5-4. Murcer drove in 5 runs!

I think it is silly to collect autographs. Saying that, I have a baseball signed by Mickey Mantle, and another signed by Bobby Murcer. Ross Perot does not have enough money to purchase those from me!

If you did not see Mickey Mantle’s funeral on TV, let me tell you when I really cried. Bobby Richardson, former Yankee second baseman, and teammate of Mickey Mantle, preached the message. In several of Mantle’s books he wrote of Richardson’s Christian commitment and his admiration of him.

Bobby Richardson told of Oct. 2, 1966, when he invited a speaker for the Yankee chapel. (I did chapel services for the Rangers and Tigers one time. Sparky Anderson listened well.)

Bobby said the speaker told the Yankees that they all had a problem that the Bible described as sin. And the Bible also gave the answer, Jesus Christ. Finally he said the Bible demanded a decision regarding what every person is going to do with Jesus.

Then he said there were three possible answers: yes, no, and maybe. And maybe, because of the X factor of death, really was a no answer.

Bobby Richardson told that funeral crowd of Governors, actors and baseball Hall of Famers, that every one of them needed to answer the question of “what they had done with Jesus Christ, who wanted to be their personal Lord and Savior.”

Then he spoke about Mickey Mantle. He told of praying with Mickey over the phone. And finally he told the crowd about when Mickey told him he had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. And when Richardson’s wife asked Mickey what reason he would give God to let him in Heaven, Mickey quickly quoted John 3:16.

To say I cried would be an understatement! I cried tears of joy. Mickey Mantle is with my Daddy, and Uncle Floy, and Uncle Willard, and so many people I care about. And someday, although I never met Mickey Mantle on earth, I will meet him. What a glorious day that will be. I expect my Dad to introduce us!

Mickey Mantle hit 536 home runs. He batted in 1,509 runs. He hit 18 World Series home runs, a record that will never be broken (trust me on that). But the most important thing he ever did was accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. That was his “greatest homer.”

And it should challenge us to think about our loved ones and friends who may not know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and tell them the Good News. That would be Mickey’s greatest legacy, that those of us who loved him made sure others we loved, came to know Jesus.

We should also honor him by being an organ donor. Christians should be the first to sign up to share our gifts with others.

I leave you with a few questions. These I also ask of myself.

- Am I ministering to others in order to bring them to Faith in God?
- Does my life show each day that I am a Christian? Am I a shining light for God?
- Do I pray and submerse myself in the Bible so my walk with God becomes greater and greater? Also so that I may readily share my Faith with others?

I wish I could answer a 100% yes to those questions but I can't. I need to strive to be a better follower of God, a better teller of the truth. Where are you in your walk with God? What changes do you need to make?

Websites used/mentioned:
http://www.mickey-mantle.com/
http://www.fln.org/
http://www.txbc.org/1995Journals/October%201995/Oct95MickeyMantle.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Mantle

Tomorrow is the big day!

2009-06-08T21:42:00.001-04:00

Shawn will be moving tomorrow. Please keep him as well as all of us in your prayers. Thanks!

Women of Faith Conference: A Grand New Day Part 1-Getting There

2009-06-07T08:39:00.006-04:00

About 6 months ago I heard about the WOF conference in Rochester on FLN. I emailed my Mom and asked her if she wanted to go. Of course she said yes. We purchased tickets through FLN so we could take a bus. Our hotel was included as were some meals. I didn't realize how wonderful this conference would be. I didn't realize how much it would touch my heart. While there was a lot to take in and my memory cannot hold it all I know my heart soaked it up. Over the next few days and weeks I will be blogging about my experience at the WOF conference.

As many know I don't like to rush around in the morning. I prefer to have a few extra minutes to sit down, have some coffee and "play" on the computer. I got up bright and early on Friday morning (3:55 am) to get ready to leave at 5 because I had to drive the 1 1/2 hours to Painted Post to meet the bus. Yes, I drove 1 1/2 hours to get on a bus for another 1 1/2 hours for a trip that would have taken me 45 - 60 minutes to make from home. I did it so I didn't have to drive in the Rochester traffic but more so to spend additional time with my Mom. I left the house at 4:55 feeling good about leaving early enough and having time for a cup of coffee. I had intentions to stop and get McDonald's for breakfast and to go to the bathroom so I would not have to go on the bus. Well, the best laid plans often go awry. As I was driving down 414 right after Lodi I encountered a problem, a potentially big problem. God had me in His hands and protected me though. Cruising along (but not going much over the speed limit as I sometimes tend to do) all of a sudden 2 deer popped out. I slammed on the breaks (everything in the car went flying), squealed my tires and watched as the first deer stopped then tried hard to get her footing to get out of my way. It was then I heard that sick thump. Thankfully, it was not a loud thump but a softer one. Yep, I hit the deer. My first thought was "Great, here I have this 2 days planned and now it is messed up." The deer ran off. I am quite sure I did not hit it hard enough to kill it which I am very thankful for. I pulled over, grabbed my cell phone and got out of the Jeep. Walking to the front of the Jeep expecting the worst I dialed Dustin. Of course he was still sleeping so didn't answer. I looked at my Jeep and saw that I had broken the left turn signal cover (but not the bulb) and broken a piece of plastic off my bumper (had it been metal probably nothing would have happened). I called my Dad. He said to call 911 so I did. The woman was so nice and said she would send someone. That is when I really felt crestfallen. Great, State Troopers are always busy. I just knew they were going to take forever and I was not going to make the bus. I then remembered the fire siren that was going off a few miles before in Ovid...another sunken heart...everyone would be at whatever that was. Dad went to tell Mom I might be late. I told her not to hold the bus I would just drive up. I sat there for what seemed like forever but was actually only about 10 minutes. I was on the verge of tears because I thought for sure my plans were ruined. Oh ye of little faith! After about 15 minutes I saw lights in my rear view mirror. The State Trooper was there!!! It didn't take forever. While I was sitting there I looked for my registration and insurance card. My heart feel once again when I realized I did not have a current card. Great, a ticket too. The State Trooper was so nice. He took my information (told me not to worry about an insurance card because when he ran my information it would show if I had insurance) and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back with my accident report. I thanked him profusely telling him I was meeting a bus. Of course he made a joke about how far out of the way I was going. I told him I was meeting and spending the weekend with my Mom. I thought were were done when he pulled out a black book and said "one more thing, I have to give you a ticket for killing a deer" (I had mentioned earlier I was more worried about the deer than my Jeep because I love animals.). I immediately started laughing and said "I didn't kill it!!" He said, "ok, a ticket for assault then." We laughed and he told me to have a nice day. What a nice gentleman he was. I looked at the clock. It was nearing 6:30. I knew that I need to get moving in order to catch the bus. Then it hit me...I absolutely had to go to the bathroom. If anyone has ever traveled 414 between Ovid and Watkins Glen you know bathrooms are limited at 6:15 in the morning. Thankfully I made it to Walmart and made a quick trip. My Mom had called me on a cell phone of someone we know so I returned the call to let them know where I was. A little while later at 7:03 I pulled in to meet the bus. Thank you, Lord! Why hadn't I trusted you? Again, oh ye of little faith! I boarded the bus and a few hours later we were in Rochester being dropped off at the Blue Cross Arena.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Not bad at all but probably expensive since we have to replace the entire bumper!

My Flowers

2009-05-28T21:48:00.012-04:00

As many of you know I planting and taking care of my flowers. I take great pride in them. Here are some pics I have taken of my first blooms. I wish you all could come see them in person as they are so much more beautiful!

My Clematis:

My bucket: The orange flowers open when it is sunny out. The centers are purple.

Dustin, our fisherman, Cranesbill Geranium and Hostas

Pom Pom Flower (Alum)

Columbine

Tiki Torch Coneflower (are much more orange in person)

Iris

Why?

2009-05-22T07:39:00.008-04:00

Over the last 5 months I have asked God why so many times.

Why did you take my Grandma away from us?

Why did you give my Grandpa health problems?

Why did you take Eddie from us?

Why did you let Shawn be born with mental retardation?

Why are you making Shawn (and us) deal with these episodes?

Why did you take a baby from me that was so wanted but give so many to others?

Why did you give us these hardships that seem to come all at one time?

Why don't you bless us beyond measure when we are serving You?

Why did you make Shawn so sick that he ended up in the hospital?

The list could go on and on but I won't bore you with it. I use to think that when I was asking why I somehow was not showing faith in God. I was somehow faltering in my walk with Him. May 21 was the anniversary of Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter's, Maria, death. Focus on the Family was replaying the last day of a 3 day interview with Steven. Him and his family were talking about the accident on Larry King Live. Larry said that people have said they have a "family of great faith so that means they don't have questions" about what happened. Caleb (Steven's son) answered to this. Caleb said that immediately after the accident he screamed why repeatedly. Then he said "the very fact that I immediately, when this happened, said God why, that I have been calling out to God confirms to me that God is the one who I turn to even to ask questions. That God is faithful, theat he can handle those questions."

This made me really think. We are not superhuman. We question things that happen. It is part of our human nature. The important part is who we turn to. Do we turn to God or turn to other things that make us feel better for a little while? Do we rely on God or do we rely on the things of the world when faced with a challenge, when we are asking why. I turn to God but I know I don't let my "whys" rest in Him. Instead I pick them back up and carry them around like 5,000 pounds of stone on my back. They make me weary. God wants me to drop my questions off with Him. He wants me to have faith that He is in control and He will take care of me. There is no easy way to do this, unfortunately. My prayer today is that I as well as all of you are able to turn to God in hard times and when you are questioning and drop your worries and whys off at His feet. After that, I pray, we are able to leave them there, turn around and glorify God in the midst of our troubles.

I encourage you to listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's 3 part interview on Focus on the Family. They are all found on the Focus on the Family website. They are named "The God of All Comfort".

Part 1: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001488.cfm

Part 2: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001489.cfm

Part 3: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001490.cfm

Dear Mr. Hallmark

2009-05-18T19:13:00.002-04:00

This was shared on the infertility site I go to, Stepping Stones. I know it is past Mother's Day but I wanted to share it anyway. Although I have no living children and had an early miscarriage I still believe I am a Mom. It is hard to deal with Mother's Day because I want to be a Mom so bad but also because I remember the baby I have that is living in Heaven. Next Mother's Day say a little prayer for those hurting on Mother's Day. They will so appreciate it.

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T07:16:00.004-04:00

My friend, Stacy, shared this on Stepping Stones, the Christian infertility forums I frequent and am a moderator for. It is from an email she received from her niece. It is a fitting poem for me especially on Mother's Day when I remember the baby I lost that the world has forgotten and as I long to hold a little one in my arms someday. To all my Stepping Stones sisters and all the women dealing with IF out there, I salute you. I salute you for your bravery as you go through month after month of disappointments. I salute you for your perseverance to keep pressing on. As my friend, Jess said, Happy Unmother's Day to you! I am thinking about you and praying for you today.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother

To all Moms and soon-to-be Moms...Happy Mother's Day. May you remember what a beautiful and special treasure you have been given from God. Also, hope you get a little pampering today!

My Older Brother, Shawn

2009-05-09T09:35:00.012-04:00

My brother, Shawn, is 3 years and 15 days older than I am. He was born on September 15, 1973. Due to a complication at birth Shawn is mentally retarded. I tell you this because it obviously plays a huge role in his life as well as ours.

I am told Shawn learned to speak when I did. I don't know much about Shawn growing up as I don't remember. But I do know he received speech therapy starting at a young age. I remember that he never road the same bus as I did until high school and I remember he did not attend the same school as I did, again, until high school. I remember that he would cut wood and mow the lawn. I remember that he never wanted to order meals when we were out to dinner. Instead, he would say, I will have what Dad has. I do remember the smiles and laughter coming from him. I too, remember the people that use to pick on him. I remember the strange looks he sometimes got. I will never forget the anger that would grow inside of me when I saw this or heard about it. He was my brother...how could someone pick on him? He was great! All you needed to do was get to know him to realize that. I soon grew to realize these people were ignorant. I remember feeling ever so protective of him.

One of the strongest memories I have of high school happened when I was in 9th grade. Shawn had been repeatedly picked on by another student. After taking a lot of picking and being pushed to his max he hit this student...believe it or not I remember what the kid looked like. Shawn was suspended. Only hours later a petition was circulating through the high school, started by Jennifer, in an attempt to get him back in school. His friends, the football and baseball players as well as many others signed this petition. He was soon back in school but the ignorance continued.

Then came the anxiety. There are tears in my eyes as I write about this. I remember endless nights of pacing and anxiety. I remember many times when I was scared for him. I remember endless different kinds of medication. I remember his being in the Elmira Psychiatric Center to detox from the wrong medication he was given. It was right before Christmas. I remember my Dad crying. I remember, when I was in college, the phone call I received while waitressing. Shawn was in he emergency room and was eventually taken to Hornell. I remember walking into the hospital that night and him not knowing who I was all because of the wrong medicine. I remember when I was living in Binghamton. I had the day off for a doctor's appointment. I got a call that Shawn was very ill and headed to Sayre hospital. It was serious. Later I found out he could have died because of the wrong medicine. His kidney's had shut down and his muscle exploded. After some dialysis treatments and a long hospital stay he was healed. I so vividly remember the day he started peeing again. Dad and I were at the hospital and he said he had to go to the bathroom. We got him on the comode, Dad holding the urinal in front of him and he started to pee. He peed and peed, filled the urinal and started going on the floor and Dad. We laughed and laughed...so excited because he was peeing!!!!!!

There have been many ups and downs since then. God sent Shawn a wonderful doctor who has helped him immensely. His name is Dr. Williams. He is in Rochester. He has, by far, helped Shawn more than any other doctor he has ever seen. We are so thankful to God for sending him to Shawn.

Throughout the years I have wanted Mom and Dad to find a group home for Shawn. I think he would flourish in one and become more and more independent. I believe he will blossom like the trees and flowers in the Spring. When I have spoken to my Parents regarding this I have been met with resistance. I talked to my Grandma Semple so many times about the situation. She agreed a group home would be wonderful, not just for Shawn but for Mom and Dad as well. Finally, a few weeks ago my Mom told me she had prayed and received signs pushing her towards a group home. She did some checking and found that there was a spot open in a home that 3 of Shawn's workers think is perfect for him. On Tuesday, May 5 I met with Mom, Dad, Uncle Jamie, Grandpa and 2 women regarding this. On Thursday, May 7 Mom, Dad and I went to see the home. As soon as I pulled in the driveway I loved it. There is a garden and 2 covered porches. It is an adorable house with new siding and a new roof. Once I walked in I was greeted with a very homey, nice living room. Hardwood floors, a fireplace, pictures of the gentleman that live there, a fish tank and 2 kittens only added to how nice it was. We toured the home and it is great! 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a computer area, a kitchen and a very nice atmosphere. One of the gentleman that lives there gave us the grand tour. He is talkative and nice. He actually reminds me of Shawn when he is having his good days. The decision was made to forge ahead on this path. Over the next few weeks the paperwork will be processed and approved, Shawn will be participating in visits and if all goes well he will begin a new chapter in his life. I sit here and cry as I am typing this. I cry because I am so excited about the possibilities for him. However, I also cry because of how difficult this is for us as a family and how difficult it might be for Shawn. I cry because I wish my Grandma was here to see this happening and for me to talk with about it. However, I know she is watching from Heaven and cheering us all on.

This brings me to some prayer requests. Please pray for the following:

Shawn as he learns about this and him easing into this situation.
My family as we work through him going on his own, especially my Dad who is experiencing a difficult time with this.
The process and that Shawn will be accepted and this home still being available.

God's hand is on us. He is blessing us beyond measure. He will continue to bless us all. We have come this far "but by God".

This seems like a long post but when speaking about some one's almost 36 years on this earth it really isn't. I wish all of you were so blessed to know Shawn. He is loving, compassionate and a great joy. His smile and laugh is contagious. He really is one of my heroes because he has come through so much experience in life, not always good but he is still happy. He is a blessing! I will continue to update on this situation as well as share more memories.

Edward Hugh Lundgren

2009-05-04T20:43:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I attended the memorial service of my Uncle. His name was Eddie. I knew him my entire life.

He was born on August 10, 1968. He went to live with my Grandparents, Hugh and Marie Lundgren when he was 5 weeks old. He was adopted by my Grandparents. Eddie lived his life with cerebral palsy. He enjoyed many things during his all too short, 40 years in this earth. He enjoyed Boxcar Willie, playing the guitar and the harmonica, Nascar and many other things. He enjoyed listening to medical books on the computer and learned a great deal about his disability. He laughed, as others described, from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He was very intelligent. About 6-7 years ago he moved to Williamsport, Pennsylvania to make a life by himself. Up until that point he had lived with my Grandma. He learned the city and got around well thanks to his motorized wheelchair. About 6 months ago he made the decision to move back to Corning. On April 14 he passed away only a few months before his 41st birthday. He had a reunion with the parents that loved him unconditionally even though they were not blood related. Love overcomes blood.

The following excerpt from Hallelujah Square written by Ray Overholt was in the bulletin from Eddie's funeral:

"Now I saw a cripple dragging his feet,
He couldn't walk like we do down the street,
I said, "My friend, I feel sorry for you."
But he said, "Up in heaven I am going to walk just like you."
"I'll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square,
What a wonderful time we'll have up there.
We'll sing and praise Jesus His glory to share
And you will not see one cripple in Hallelujah Sqaure."

Eddie...I hope you are enjoying your new legs and the celebration with the parents you were so close to and missed do much.

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

2009-04-30T18:31:00.001-04:00

A great reminder for all of us...

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....

Family Support

2009-04-27T21:15:00.002-04:00

My mind keeps drifting back to Saturday during the graveside service. My Grandpa was sitting in a chair. I had Grandpa's right shoulder, my Aunt Linda had his left shoulder, Jeanette had his left hand and my Dad had his right hand. Behind Aunt Linda and I stood my Uncle Harold, who had his arms around Aunt Linda and and I. What a beautiful picture of the support my family provides to one another. This is not the first time our family has come together to support one another...it is done all the time. I don't know what I would do without them. I feel bad for people that do not have the kind of family support I have...I am truly blessed by God. He gave me family...not just the ones I am close to in distance but those far away as well. I know there are a few of my family members that read this so to you I say...thank you and I love you!

Grandma Semple

2009-04-26T21:20:00.008-04:00

Yesterday we buried my Grandma Semple. It was kind of a mess...the vault company had the wrong time (even after the confirmed the correct time) and did not arrive until 45 minutes after we had the service. We then were able to bury her. Grandpa and Jamie left as we were all going to Jeanette and Ernie's house for lunch. They made it to Corning so we had to call them to come back. All is all it was beautiful. We had roses for Grandma's grave...red from Grandpa and Jamie, white from Dad, Mom and Shawn and peach from Dustin and I. After the vault lid was on and the praying hands and name tag were on. I took one of the peach roses to drop on top. I figured it would be crooked but that thing landed so perfectly. It really was a beautiful picture left in my mind.

Grandpa had a rough day which is to be expected. He made it through so that is what matters. My prayers daily are for healing and strength for him, emotionally and physically.

About a week ago Dustin played a song for me that he had heard on the radio. He said it would be perfect to play at Grandma's burial. It was beautiful and of course made me cry. When Dustin started the Jeep up yesterday to go to Corning the song was playing. It is a beautiful song. Here are the lyrics to Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson:

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

You can also listen to it on YouTube...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k

For the song and video you can go here (there is a commercial prior to the video)...http://www.cmt.com/videos/alan-jackson/355885/sissys-song.jhtml

Beware...if you listen to it you just might cry.

My Bucket List

2009-04-18T09:10:00.007-04:00

1. Be a Mom
2. Travel to Germany
3. Travel to the Western side of the United States
4. Take a cruise to Alaska
5. Lose weight and keep it off
6. Live in the country where I have no neighbors
7. Run a race...any "real" race
8. Read the Bible in a year

I guess that is it, for now at least. I thought it would be longer. Is that because I am happy with life? Is it because I am a simple person? Is it because I have experienced a lot in life already? Who knows? I am sure the people that really know me can answer that question better than I.

Kind of odd

2009-04-16T23:13:00.002-04:00

My Mom and I purchased bulbs (tulips, daffodils, etc.) in the Fall but I never got my planted because of trying to get ready for my surgery. The other day I looked at the box...guess what...they are sprouting in the box! Here I was worried they would be bad and never grow. Tomorrow's job...GET THEM PLANTED...FINALLY!

Back in the game

2009-04-16T23:11:00.002-04:00

I started Weight Watchers almost 3 weeks ago. The first two weeks I lost 7 pounds. This week has been very off and on. It is really hard to eat healthy when I am at home...too much access to bad foods.

I also would like to start running. It will definitely be a slow start because I am so out of shape but at least a start. I purchased new running shoes last week. They are yellow so I love them.

Life goes on, Stephanie, life goes on

2009-04-15T19:08:00.006-04:00

A wise woman use to say to me often, Life goes on, Stephanie, life goes on. Who was that wise woman? My Grandma Semple. No matter what the problem she or I had she would say life goes on. Life truly does go on. However, there are those trying times when it seems life won't go on. The night we lost my Grandma Lundgren or Semple I could not even imagine life going on but it did. We had another loss in the family yesterday. My adopted Uncle Eddie passed away. So young but gone in an instant. Why does life go on? How do we get through the tough times, the times we don't think we can get through...let me tell you...God. I cannot imagine how unbelievers get through these times. The same wise woman who use to say life goes on also use to say another phrase...but by God.

Back by popular demand :D

2009-04-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

Not really but I know I have not posted in a long time. I have thought of so many things to post but haven't done it. Thanks, Aunt Linda, for motivating me to get back into it. Love you!

Memories

2009-03-14T12:41:00.002-04:00

One of the most treasured things we have are memories. Without memories we would forget the great times. Without memories we would forget the wonderful, special people we have had in our lives and lost in some way. We also have memories of the not so great things in life. The things we would like to forget but things that surely taught us a lesson or turned into good. As I get older I realize that memories do fade and memories get forgotten. They may resurface at some point because of something seen, heard or smelled because they are always there. But they are not as close the surface as they were when they happened. I want to record my memories. I don't want to forget the times I have had. I want to someday share them with my grandchildren. I urge you...write down your memories, share them, don't keep them inside to be forgotten or to fade.

So sad

2009-02-02T07:22:00.003-05:00

My Grandma passed away last night. She was 83. On March 15 she would have been 84. I was close to Grandma. I talked to her 1-2 times each week and always on Monday evening around 7:00. She was one of my best friends. She listened, gave great advice and never judged. Although I knew we would not have her for another 15-20 years I did not think she would go Home this soon. Heaven gained an angel but I lost a Grandma and a best friend.

This is a picture of my Grandma and Grandpa in May 2007. It is one of my favorites.

Never fear, I am here...

2009-01-26T20:00:00.005-05:00

I have not posted in what seems like forever. I went back to work on January 12. It was a rough week. I was exhausted and came home to sleep for a few hours then went to bed at 9:30 and slept all night. I could not believe how tired I was. I had surgery 6 weeks ago today. WOW!!! That seems so long ago but it has not felt like that long. I have experiencing a complication. I have developed a hole. It is the size of a quarter and sore. My plastic surgeon told me it will be a while before it heals. It is in a spot where 3 pieces of skin were tightly brought together. Some days it really gets me down and some days it really scares me but I know it will eventually heal. My other breast looks great! Here is a before picture and an after picture. Not great pictures but you get the idea. It is amazing the difference. This surgery truly was a life changing even for me.

There is nothing really going on right now. School is getting to that busy time. The time were I have to do around 80 reports and got to 80+ meetings. It makes the rest of the year go fast but it is oh so tiring!

Christmas 2008

2008-12-29T21:07:00.003-05:00

I love Christmas! What do I love most about Christmas? Family!!! I love my family. I love that we are close. I love that we get along. Christmas is the day Jesus was born which makes it very special. Family adds to it. This year we were blessed to be back at the home I ate Christmas breakfast at for years and years. We did not have Christmas breakfast there in 2006 or 2007. Instead, we had family at my parents' house. That was nice but not the same. The home was my Grandma Lundgren's home. She passed away in November 2006. Her house was purchased and remodeled by my cousin, Tara. This year she continued the tradition of having breakfast there. We had the same menu and it was a wonderful morning. Dustin, my Mom, Dad, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin, her daughter and boyfriend, my other cousin, her husband and their two kids were there. It was a wonderful time of food, family and laughter. We also went to my Grandparents house for lunch. We have done this as long as I can remember. Dustin, my mom, dad, brother, uncle, grandma and grandpa were there. Again, food, family and laughter. We were also able to spend time with my Aunt Linda and Uncle Harold, Aunt Shirley and Uncle Harry, Aunt Karen, Uncle David and their family, also my Aunt Jean. The day after Christmas we spent with my mother-in-law, Diana, my father-in-law, Darrel, my sister-in-law, Dawna, her boyfriend Erik and my niece, Alaina. I am so thankful for this Christmas. I don't know what the next year will bring but I am glad I will have the memory of this Christmas to hold in my heart forever.

I saw on another blog Christmas favorites so I thought I would post some of mine.

Movie...It's a Wonderful Life

Tradition...spending the day with family, hearing the Christmas story read

Food...creamed potatoes my Grandma Lundgren made for years and years, now my Aunt or I does the honor

Lights...all one color, white, blue or green

Ornament...the ones my Mom and Dad have given me...they all have meaning

Memory...times with family

I hope you all felt blessed this Christmas season because we truly are. I know life is not perfect but remember if God brought you to it he will bring you through it!

Breast Reduction Update #2

2008-12-27T22:40:00.002-05:00

Today is post-op day #12. I wish I could say that my pain was all gone and I never thought that this far after surgery I would still be having pain, but I am. Of course, it is not as extreme as it was. It is sometimes sharp pains that make me feel like I cannot breathe. It is sometimes an aching feeling that hurts and hurts. It is sometimes in one spot but sometimes all over. However, there are 2 pains that are so much better...my back and neck. My back has hurt because sleeping on my back in one position is not always comfortable but that has only happened once or twice. I cannot wait for this pain to be gone. I cannot wait to be healed better and to be able to wear something than a sports bra. I cannot wait to sleep on my stomach. I cannot wait to go shopping for new bras and shirts. I will be patient though as I still have a long time to go until I am completely healed. It will also take time for my breasts to look natural, usually 6 months. I can wait though...because I am THRILLED with my new breasts.

By the way...I don't have any after pictures with my shirt on so I will not be posting any pictures here until I do. I have a bunch of before and afters that are nude. I have shared them because I am very open about and proud of my surgery.

Post Surgery Appointment #2

2008-12-27T22:30:00.003-05:00

I went to my second post-op appointment on Tuesday, December 23. I was glad to be going because I had some questions regarding what was going on with my breasts. The appointment went well. Dr. Monacelli (my plastic surgeon) is pleased with my healing. He checked a red area I was concerned was an infection. He said he did not think it was an infection but natural healing. However, to make sure, he prescribed cephalexin just to make sure. I have also had some serious, serious pain in my right nipple. He examined that and said I have a hypersensitive nipple. He said that time and massage (which he will teach me at a later date) will change that. After the examination I told him thank you so much. I told him that my pain is so much better. I told him that my life has changed and I am very happy. He said you're welcome with a huge smile on his face. I am truly so thankful that I have had the opportunity to have this surgery. It has changed so much for me already. I cannot even imagine what the long-term affects are going to be but I cannot wait to find out!

My Mom's surgery has been so rough on me!!!!!

2008-12-21T17:28:00.002-05:00

Breast Reduction Update #1 - Not feeling well

2008-12-17T17:12:00.003-05:00

It has not been the greatest day. I am in pain and I just in general feel like crap. I know that I should not expect to feel wonderful but I really did not think I would feel this way. :(

Post Surgery Appointment #1

2008-12-17T00:22:00.002-05:00

I was so glad I was going back to the plastic surgeon's office today. First, I was anxious to see what my breasts looked like and second I was having a lot of pain that did not seem my pain killer was even touching. Mom and I went to McDonald's, my pain was so bad I did not even want to eat...I love McDonald's usually! So off to the plastic surgeon's office we go. They ask how I am, I tell them I am having a lot more pain than I anticipated. The nurse and surgeon then cut the ace bandage off from me, pulled the gauze away and there were my new breasts. I could only see them from the top but Mom got a great view...such a great view that she started crying and then told the surgeon they are beautiful. The surgeon said they looked great and he would not need to see me on Friday. Instead he will see me next Tuesday. By the way...some of my pain was relieved when the tight ace bandage was taken off. The entire ride home I was anxious to see my boobs. When we got here one of my aides from work was here to bring me somethings. I pulled my sweatshirt back and showed her. The first thing we did when we got into the house was to take my bra off, let me look at them and then take a picture, I am documenting this in pictures. I thought they look a little funky but so much better than before and they will change...after all, it is only he first day after surgery. So I cannot keep my hands of my new boobs, partially because they are great and the other reason because I feel like I m massaging or touching the pain away.

I have had a few episodes today where I did not believe that I had a breast reduction and cannot believe that my boobs are so much smaller and nicer. It is weird! However, I am so glad I had it done!

Surgery Day Story

2008-12-16T07:25:00.001-05:00

On the morning of my surgery, I arrived at the hospital at 6:20. At around 6:30 I was taken back to my room. Things went quite quickly from there. I gave them a urine sample for a pregnancy test then immediately changed into my gown. The gowns were really cool. The hospital just started using these gowns called Bair Paws. Basically it is a gown that has portholes. A tube goes in, you get a remote control to determine the air temperature. It has a really calming effect. Throughout the next hour several nurses, an aide and the anesthesiologist came in. About 15 minutes before surgery my plastic surgeon came in to mark me up. At this point I had already been given some nausea medication and had patch behind my ear for nausea so I was feeling a little tired. It seemed like it took him forever to do the markings. One thing about the markings that shocked me was just how far up he was moving my nipples! It was 2 ½ - 3 inches! He also had to initial each breast because it is state law. About 10 minutes after he was done with the markings I was taken to the operating room. I don’t remember much just looking at the room for a minutes and then having a mask put over my face, a couple deep breathes and that was it. Waking up was horrible for me. My throat hurt really, really bad and I was also have pain on the scale of approximately a 9. I was given 3 vicodin and 2 shots of something I my IV. I was still having trouble with pain. One thing that helped was that I was laying far down in the bed and when they put the head of the bed up it made a little pain go away. They asked if I wanted to come home and I said yes so the nurse called my PS and asked what to give me. While she was waiting for him to I got up and walked to the bathroom. It was not nice to discover that I could not reach behind me. When I got back to my room she gave me a shot of something (D something) as a stronger, longer lasting pain killer. They monitored me for 30 minutes, my husband helped me get dressed and went to get the car while an orderly and my mother-in-law took me to meet the car. The ride home was ok. The bumps hurt. I sat in the front seat with a blanket across my boobs and my seatbelt on. One I was home Iaid down, got up, laid down, got up. I was so restless and I guess I still am. The hydrocodone he gave me is not working as well as I anticipated. I expected to be uncomfortable but not In pain like I am. I go back at 2 this afternoon to have my bandage taken off and a bra put on. I am really anxious to see what the girls look like. My Mom is going with me too and is equally excited. My Mom was at my house when I got home. She was telling my husband and I about how good I looked in the breast area as soon as she saw me. She asked me if the pain was what I thought it would be…my answer…nope, did not know it would hurt this bad. I don’t remember seeing the surgeon after surgery. He talked to my husband and mother-in-law. He said the surgery went well, minimal bleeding and he took off a little under 4 pounds. The surgery took 4 hours which was longer than anticipated. He had told my family 3 hours. I guess that is all I can think of for now.

OTR

2008-12-15T22:17:00.002-05:00

Surgery is one! It has been a very long day and I am having quite a bit of pain but it is over. I will tell you all about it tomorrow or in a few days when I am more up to it. Thanks for all the prayers!

Augge and the new phone

2008-12-14T09:18:00.004-05:00

I set my phone to say read, 1, 2, 3 before it takes a picture. Augge is completely enthralled by it! He sits there and looks at it and looks at it. I don't think he can figure out what is going on in that little black box. Here is a picture of him that I took with my phone.

The day before

2008-12-14T08:58:00.004-05:00

24 hours from now I should be 1 hour and 15 minutes into my surgery. I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. Yesterday I was thinking about just how fast it was gone. Just 5 months ago I was laying on the couch, taking vicodin recovering from my back surgery. Now I am preparing for a surgery that will hopefully change my life. To be honest this was not an easy decision for me to make. Of course I wanted to have it done but there are so many thoughts I have had through this journey...Many people will not understand because it truly is a "big breast thing".

I have feelings about my big breasts...
My breasts have always been something not many people had so they made me feel special in some sort of weird way. When I felt fat and ugly there were the boobs...the one thing about me that was attractive to the opposite sex. At the same time I am so sick of back aches and neck pain. Along with the neck pain comes headaches. I love to garden...do you know how hard it is to do this when you can only work in the flowers for a half an hour at a time and when you do it you can barely walk because your back hurts so bad? I am also sick of not being able to wear what I want, no button up shirts, dresses that fit right on top but not on bottom or vice versa. I am sick of my shoulders hurting from my bra cutting into them. I am sick of my breasts getting in the way all the time. I am sick of not being able to find a sports bra to work out in. I am sick of spending so much money on bras. I am sick of not being able to find a pretty bra but instead a bra that is a basic color with 4-5 hooks in the back. I am sick of not being able to wear a cute little bra and panty set because they don't make them with my size bra. I am sick of people (not just men) looking at me and seeing my breasts instead of me. I am sick of them.

Along with these thoughts come worries of what is to come...
Will I be happy with smaller breasts. Of course I am going to love the perkiness that comes with a reduction but what if I don't like my new breasts? What if Dustin hates my new breasts? What then, you just can't have them put back in. What if my back and neck pain does not get a lot better? (Although from everything I have heard and read it will get better immediately) Will I think I am too small? Will I get depressed as many women do?

Along with these thoughts come the thoughts that I am so excited about...
I will be able to buy a sports bra. Maybe I will finally be able to run...yeah, I have asthma but that can be controlled as long as I don't have to run holding my breasts. Maybe I will finally feel comfortable working out. Maybe I can finally lose this weight that I have wanted to lose so long? I will finally be able to buy bras and panty sets. I will finally be able to wear button up shirts without a cami underneath. I will not be embarassed about sagging, huge breasts. I won't put a bra on as soon as I get up and take it off right before I go to bed because I am embarassed. I will have a new big breast free life.

All in all, I am so excited about tomorrow. I wish it was over but soon enough it will be. I cannot wait to complete my recovery and be the new me.

Angels Everywhere

2008-12-11T07:30:00.003-05:00

I think there are angels everywhere. I think God sends us angels when we need them. I am not talking about angels in Heaven but, instead, angels on earth. The last 2 months have been very, very rough for me. There are times when I felt like nothing was ever going to get better, times when I did not know what to do next, times when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. At those low points, God has sent me angels. A few of my angels...

Stacy...just last night I was on surfing the web feeling very low. The day had been terrible and once again, I let Satan get to me and my emotions. Just then a message popped up from Stacy. She told me God put me on her mind today and that she is praying for me. My angel...of course I cried but after that I felt a little lighter and my heart did not feel as heavy. Thank you for being my angel, Stacy. I love you!

Mom...My Mom has been my angel so many times I cannot even count. Recently, her love, prayers and support has gotten me through some rough times. She will be with me for three days after my surgery providing support in that manner as well. Thank you for being my angel, Mom. I love you!

Those are just 2 examples of the angels that have entered my life. Of course there have been many more, My Grandma, the women from SS, etc.

When things get tough remember that you have angels too. You may not see them or hear from them but they are there.

Also, remember to be an angel to someone else. When you know someone is going through a tough time reach out to them. Reach out to others you care for, you never know what is going on in their lives.

I searched for some quotes on angels and found the following. They don't have a specific author listed but I got them at http://www.dltk-bible.com/angels/angel_quotes.htm.

"An angel is someone who raises your spirits! A TRUE FRIEND"

"An angel is someone you feel like you've known forever, even though you've just met."

"An angel is someone you're always happy to bump into."

"An angel's art is his heart."

"Angels are always memorable because they never forget what really matters."

"Angels are bright lights in the midst of our lives."

"Angels encourage everyone in the right direction...up."

"Angels have a hidden agenda....LOVE."

"Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them."

"Angels walk softly and carry a big presence."

"Anyone can be an angel... to you."

"Anyone who helps you grow is an angel."

"You don't have to die to become an angel."

The Angels
May angels rest beside your door,
May you hear their voices sing.
May you feel their loving care for you,
May you hear their peace bells ring.
May angels always care for you,
And not let you trip and fall,
May they bear you up on angel's wings,
May they keep you standing tall.
May they whisper wisdom in your ear,
May they touch you when you need,
May they remove from you each trace of fear,
May they keep you from feeling greed.
May they fill you with their presence,
May they show you love untold,
May they always stand beside you And make you ever bold.
May they teach you what you need to know About life here and here-after.
May they fill you always with their love And give you the gift of laughter

We need prayer

2008-12-09T20:22:00.002-05:00

I have hesitated to write this here, not sure why but I decided to do it regardless of my thoughts not to. Dustin and I are having a lot of problems right now. I am praying we can get through this rough patch but I really just don't know. I feel sick about what is going on and I have even thought about canceling my surgery but I know I need to have it. I don't know what to do anymore. Please pray for both of us.

Did you see it?

2008-12-08T13:33:00.003-05:00

My ticker at the bottom of the page? Did you see that is says 7 days until my surgery? One week from this moment, if everything goes according to planned, I will be ending my third hour of surgery. I cannot believe it is so close! Remember when you were a child...you would get really excited about Christmas weeks before Christmas was actually here? I feel the same way...I am so excited I can barely sleep! One of the secretaries I work with asked if I was ready. Of course, I told her how excited I am. She told me I have a twinkle in my eyes. Oh I cannot wait!

My New Phone

2008-12-05T07:52:00.006-05:00

It might be pathetic when a blogger turns to talking about her new phone but hey, I am in love with my new phone so I wanted to share. This is in no way a plug for Verizon or LG. :)

I got the EnV2 on Wednesday and I can barely make myself put it down! In case you don't know what it looks like, here is a picture.

I know, I know, it is beautiful! What a piece of craftsmanship! ;)

So in honor of the new phone, who I just might name (seriously, hey I am 32 have no kids and I kiss my dog on the mouth, I can name my phone!), I will be having Tales of the New Phone throughout the next few days...or maybe longer.

The count down has now really started!

2008-12-03T19:35:00.006-05:00

Today I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital where I am having my surgery. I have never been to this hospital so I was a little nervous. I did not even know where the hospital was so that made me a little more nervous. I made it in about 1 hour which I did not think was bad. I got to the hospital at around 12:30 which was a half an hour early. I had brought a book so I sat there and read. At 12:40 I decided to go in so I could go to the bathroom before my appointment. While I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror to see a horrible rash on my chest! It was all red and splotchy. It was also on my arms. I was so nervous that for some reason they would think it was a rash I have had and it would keep me from having surgery. I went, did paperwork and about 15 minutes later was taken in to meet with my nurses. There was a male and female nurse. The male nurse took my blood pressure and blood, the female went over all the paperwork with me and gave me directions. The first thing the male nurse asked is if I was Stephanie Roach the surgeon. There is an orthopedic surgeon in Ithaca named Stephanie Roach. She also recently started working in the area I am from. I have been asked before, more seriously if I was her. I just say I wish. Anyway...I said I wish. He said no, I knew you weren't here before I even saw you because she would not need to have the same surgery you are having. I laughed and laughed then said...well, I have never met her but now I know one thing about what she looks like. Anyway...my blood pressure was 150/100. Now I have high blood pressure but it has never been this high. When I went to my regular Dr. last week it was 126/82. I told him I was really nervous. He said the other nurse would check it at the end of my appointment. So went the rest of the appointment...history of surgeries, medication I am on, instructions, health problems, allergies, etc. It was not a bad appointment at all. We laughed and joked. I was so sure my blood pressure would be great at the end but guess what...it was 147/96! I cannot believe it was so high! I was afraid that the high blood pressure would keep me from having surgery. The nurse said there was a cutoff but not to worry because she would make sure we got it below the cut off. She checked the cutoff and PTL my blood pressure was below that. So...pending a pregnancy test (which I am 99.9999999% sure will be negative) and me getting better (which I am) and not getting sick again I am set to go. 12 days and counting!

Appointment #2 and misc. surgery stuff

2008-11-29T17:46:00.003-05:00

I just realized that I have not posted about appointment #2. This was the appointment with my plastic surgeon (that sounds so weird, me, have a plastic surgeon). It was nothing like I anticipated. It was about an hour long. For the most part we went over a ton of paperwork. He did all the orders for the hospital including meds to give me before and after surgery. We talked about what pain killers I have taken before and got a prescription for fill prior to the surgery. We also talked about instructions prior to and after the surgery. The first week after my surgery I have a lot of appointments. Surgery is Monday the 15. My first appointment will be on Tuesday the 16. At this appointment the ace bandage will be taken off me. The plastic surgeon will put a bra on me. I will need to wear that 24/7 except for when I am showering for quite a while. I will have another appointment on Friday the 19 and yet another one on Tuesday the 23. I am glad I have so many because it will help set my mind at ease. After that I will have one a week for 2-3 weeks, a 3 month, 6 month and 1 year. The one thing that happened at my appointment was him asking me what method I wanted him to use. There is a lollipop (Le Jour) incision and an anchor incision. He gave me the pros and cons for both and left it up to me. I told him I would call and let him know. I think I have decided on the anchor method. This is traditional, more incisions but it seems he has done more of these and I am more comfortable with thsi method. It also seems to have the less "bad" effects. I will be calling Monday or Tuesday to let him know.

I have purchased my pillows for my recovery. I got a wedge and 2 firm king size pillows (I cannot believe the price of king pillowcases. Thank goodness I got them on sale). I also bought 2 body pillows for our bed upstairs and might use them in recovery. Also, Dustin's mom bought me a "husband". At least that is what we called them. I cannot believe how much money I spend on pillows but if it helps make me comfortable it will be worth it.

As my surgery comes closer and closer please pray for a few things.

That my anxiety will be little.
That I continue not to smoke...it is so hard when I am nervous or anxious
That I will be prepared for Christmas and with meals
That my stress will be controlled
That I feel better, both my illness and my allergies

Thanks to everyone for their thoughts and prayers.

Sick and Rambling

2008-11-29T17:39:00.002-05:00

Of course, wouldn't you know it...I am sick. I have 15 days left until my surgery and I am sick! Of course sickness comes at the most inconvenient of times...when you have a ton of things you need to do. Instead of worrying about not getting things done, I am resting so I get better quicker. All too often in the past I have pushed myself and gotten bronchitis. I certainly don't want it now! I have also decided not to stress...what happens if I don't get everything done? I will survive and I will make due. I am sure my Mom will be more than happy to wrap her Christmas gifts when she comes to stay with me after surgery :D Just kidding, hers will be done.

Speaking of Christmas...there is only 26 days left so if you haven't even thought about it you had better get going. Remember, time goes faster the older you get and you are a year old than you were last year! :D

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Check out my new...

2008-11-24T19:15:00.001-05:00

counter. I saw a counter in another blog and thought it would be cool to have one. Of course, it could be very depressing too...seeing that I am really writing for not very many people. :D Oh well, as long as someone reads it besides me!

One down, two more to go

2008-11-24T19:02:00.003-05:00

I had the first of three appointments prior to my breast reduction. This was a pre-op to make sure I am physically able to have surgery. I guess I am getting old because I have never had to have a check-up prior to surgery. I was really worried about it for some reason. I was thinking they would find some reason I would be unable to have surgery. However, all went well and I am in prime condition to have surgery. I am really excited.

Tomorrow should prove to be the most interesting appointment. It is the appointment with my plastic surgeon. I think I will get marked up and we will talk about post-op and all that stuff. I have a list of questions I want to ask him about recovery and what I need to get.

On December 3 I will be going to the hospital for my pre-admissions. I think this is odd because I have always done pre-admission things over the phone. However, nobody I know has been to this hospital. I don't even know where it is so it is good that I have to go there. I think it will cut down on some stress three weeks from today...yep, you heard it...THREE WEEKS FROM TODAY...that is 21 days...504 hours...30, 240 minutes...1, 814, 400 seconds...not that I am really counting or anything. :)

Nothing New

2008-11-23T19:55:00.003-05:00

I have not posted in so long. Why, you ask? Because there really is not much to post about.

As you can tell there is 22 days left until my breast reduction. I am excited yet nervous. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to get cleared for surgery. On Tuesday I have an appointment with my plastic surgeon on Ithaca. I am looking forward to this appointment because I know it will give me a lot more information. On December 3 I have an appointment at the hospital for pre-admissions stuff. December 15 is the big day.

Dustin and I are hosting Thanksgiving. This will be out third year having Thanksgiving here. I am looking forward to it but wish I had more than me, myself and I to get the house and food ready. Oh well, at least it helps me get the house cleaned, one less thing I need to do before surgery.

We have had a ton of snow for November, well at least I think. Total we have probably had a foot of snow. However, now there is probably only 6 inches or less on the ground. The sun has been out and has melted a lot of it. Supposedly we are suppose to have more Monday night into Tuesday. I don't really know.

I guess that is it...as I said, really nothing new, just some rambling. :)

Happy Holidays???? Thoughts About Infertility During the Thanksgiving and Christmas Season"

2008-11-15T11:33:00.003-05:00

Please read the above blog entry. It goes hand in hand with my previous post regarding infertility and the Holidays.

http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-holidays.html

Infertility and the Holidays

2008-11-13T10:03:00.006-05:00

The Holiday Season is slowly (well, maybe not slowly) creeping upon us. I cannot help but think about all the blessed families who are sharing their Holidays with their children. I also cannot think about how I would love to be doing the same. I know there are thousands and thousands of other women who are thinking about the same thing. That brings me to thoughts on infertility and the Holidays. I don’t think people realize how many women around them are affected by infertility. You may not know a person affected by infertility but I am sure there is someone around you at some point holding on to that secret. It may be the woman at the grocery store or it may be the clerk at the post office. One just never knows.

I think everyone needs to become more aware of infertility. The following is just a snippet of information regarding infertility.

Infertility is “a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse or if the woman suffers from multiple miscarriages. Infertility can be male or female related.” (http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_wii_home)

· Affects approximately 10% of the population
· Can be a major life crisis
· It is often experienced as a private matter, and is not ordinarily discussed in public forums
· Infertility depression levels can rival those of cancer

The above information was found at http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_wii_he

The Holiday Season can be a very, very difficult time for women and men suffering from this secret disease. It is often the hardest time of the year, a time when their loss is magnified. Please remember to be sensitive to their needs and emotions.

I urge you to find more information regarding infertility. I also, if you know someone personally dealing with infertility, urge you to find more information on how to support him/her. Here are some articles I have found and believe are worth reading.

Infertility Etiquett By Vita Alligood http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Infertility Myths and Facts http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_moi

How Can I Help? The Do's And The Dont's Of Support
By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_hcih

For those of you dealing with infertility my heart and prayers go out to you. I am amember of a wonderful community called Stepping Stones. "Stepping Stones is a Christian ministry offering support and information to couples facing infertility challenges or pregnancy loss." I recommend you check it out. You can find Stepping Stones at http://stepforums.bethany.org/

OTR

2008-11-12T16:56:00.004-05:00

About a month ago I joined a message board for women who are going to or have had breast reductions. I am really glad I joined because I have learned so much and have gotten so many tips. The one thing I have been wondering about is OTR. Everyone keeps talking about being OTR. From reading it is obviously after surgery but for the life of me I could not even imagine what it stood for. After a little research I finally know. You probably won't find it as interesting as I did but I am going to tell you anyway.

OTR means Over the Rainbow. Why you ask? It refers to Judy Garland's chest in the Wizard of Oz. Apparently, her chest was wrapped so she'd appear flat-chestedto make her look more like a little girl.

My quick change act

2008-11-09T19:49:00.002-05:00

I went to a wedding on Saturday. After the wedding I got in my Jeep and decided to take a drink of the pumpkin cappuccino in there from earlier that day (I love cold coffee and cappuccino). Well as I tipped the cup back I felt something cold run down the front of me. Yep, you guessed it, PUMPKIN CAPPUCCINO! Boy was I mad, it was on my pants, shirt and the seat. Thank goodness I was only about 12 minutes from home because I was able to get home, change and get to the reception before the bride and groom!

Thoughts on my Breast Reduction

2008-11-07T20:56:00.004-05:00

As everyone probably knows I will be having a breast reduction. My thoughts lately seemed to be consumed a lot about my coming surgery. I will be having surgery on December 15 at 10:45. I have been told the surgery will last between 3-4 hours. I have been told I will be going home that night unless I experience problems with nausea or pain. In a way, I want to go home so I can be in the comfort of my own home. However, in another way I want to stay in the hospital. My Mom has taken Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off after my surgery to stay at our house if we need her. Dustin will probably be laid off by then too so I am not sure what is going to happen. I have been told to plan on taking 3-4 weeks off work. If I go back the day we return from break that will be 3 weeks exactly. I did ask my plastic surgeon if I could go back at least for half days the fourth week if he won't let me go full-time.

I am nervous and anxious about my surgery. However, I am very excited too!

Made in the USA: Spoiled Brats

2008-11-06T09:57:00.001-05:00

This article is old but still very relevant.

Made in the USA: Spoiled brats
Posted: November 20, 20061:00 am Eastern
By Craig R. Smith© 2008

The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The same magazine that employs Michael (Qurans in the toilets at Gitmo) Isikoff. Here I promised myself this week I would be nice and I start off in this way. Oh what a mean man I am.
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the president. In essence 2/3s of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I starting thinking, ''What we are so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all involved. Whether you are rich or poor they treat your wounds and even, if necessary, send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home, you may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of having a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes; an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me?
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells. Just ask why they are going to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book and do a TV special about how he didn't kill his wife but if he did … insane!
Stop buying the negative venom you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
I close with one of my favorite quotes from B.C. Forbes in 1953:
''What have Americans to be thankful for? More than any other people on the earth, we enjoy complete religious freedom, political freedom, social freedom. Our liberties are sacredly safeguarded by the Constitution of the United States, 'the most wonderful work ever struck off at a given time by the brain and purpose of man.' Yes, we Americans of today have been bequeathed a noble heritage. Let us pray that we may hand it down unsullied to our children and theirs.''
I suggest this Thanksgiving we sit back and count our blessings for all we have. If we don't, what we have will be taken away. Then we will have to explain to future generations why we squandered such blessing and abundance. If we are not careful this generation will be known as the ''greediest and most ungrateful generation.'' A far cry from the proud Americans of the ''greatest generation'' who left us an untarnished legacy.

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=53028

The only thing I have to say right now is...

2008-11-04T13:06:00.002-05:00

GO VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Has it really been three years?

2008-10-31T18:53:00.014-04:00

I have not posted about the anniversary of one of the most sad times of my entire life. Why? I am not sure. Maybe I was, in a way, trying to forget it. Maybe I did not want to post it for anyone in the world to see. Whatever my subconscious reasons are, I have decided to post about it.

Three years ago on Monday, October 27 I underwent emergency surgery a short 10 days after we found out I was pregnant. I had surgery because of a suspected ectopic pregnancy. The surgery resulted in the loss of a tube. Needless to say, I was devastated. As I laid in bed on Sunday night I was brought back to the night before my surgery. Dustin and his Mom took me to the hospital at 8:30 PM. This was after I had gone to the doctor's earlier that day because I was cramping and bleeding. The prognosis of the doctor's visit and ultrasound was not good. Anyway, back the that night. Around 2AM after another ultrasound I was put into an unused part of the ER so I could get some sleep before my doctor came in at 6:30 to talk to me and perform surgery. I really believe this is the worst night I have ever spent. I did not sleep a wink. The entire night it was all I could do to keep from screaming because of the emotional pain I was feeling. My mind was racing. I thought, maybe I would not have the surgery, maybe the baby is still ok, maybe it is not an ectopic pregnancy. I knew what needed to be done but it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. In a sense I felt like I was killing my baby by making the decision to have the surgery. Of course, deep down, I knew I had to make the decision I made but try telling that to a woman that is going through what I went through.

Obviously, the recovery was very difficult. I remember the feeling of devastation. I remember sitting in a chair handing out candy 4 nights later and not wanting to be there. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the physical and emotional pain. I remember thinking, maybe my baby is not really gone and I am still pregnant. I remember going back to work 8 days later to hear stupid comments like "at least you weren't that far along" or "it is not like it was a baby". I remember the urge to scream and scream. I remember the urge to run away from everyone and everything that I knew and was familiar with. I also remember the love shown to me by my friends and family. I remember the beautiful clouds I saw a few days later. I remember sitting outside at night looking at the stars picking out my baby's star as my Mom showed me to do after my Grandpa had passed away. (To this day, I do that) I remember knowing I was going to be ok I just did not know when. I remember the Ship Story Salina told me (that still helps me in some situations). I remember that the night before Halloween that year, Dustin made me carve pumpkins. I remember how happy that made me. I remember the good and the horrible.

Although it is one of the worst times of my life, it lead to a wonderful thing, my return to God. The One who never forgot me but the One I nearly forgot. I have leaned on Him so many times since then. I am so thankful I found my way back even if it was because of what I consider a tragedy.

The pain comes each year but each year it is feels a little better. I will never forget my first baby. The comfort of knowing my baby is in Heaven with his/her Great Grandma and Great Grandpa and, of course, God is a comfort to me.

I will leave you with 2 poems I wrote shortly after my miscarriage (yes, it was a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy, I found out a few months later).

Bright, Shining Star
Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much you are loved,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I miss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know the plans I had
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I want to hold, touch, and kiss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I wanted to get to know you
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
You are my first child and always will be
Though you were here such a short time!

Untitled Poem
Nausea
Sadness
Heart-break
Hurt
Pain
Loss
Fear
Weakness
Empty arms
Empty womb
Empty heart
From this, someday springs…
Hope

A Rough Weekend for BOCES

2008-10-27T17:57:00.004-04:00

Wow, I went to work today to find out about 4 incidents that happened to people associated with the BOCES I work at.

#1 - Steve, who graduated from BOCES 2 years ago was killed in the car accident. He was also a volunteer fireman with Dustin.

#2 - Heather, a current student, was in an accident and was life flighted to a Syracuse hospital. She has head injuries, broken bones in her back and a few other things. She is currently in critical condition.

#3 - A former teacher from BOCES passed away.

#4 - Chris (55), a former secretary at BOCES, died in her sleep.

I guess it is another reminder that we never know what tomorrow brings, or even what the next hour brings. God takes loved one when He is ready for them. Make today count. Help someone. Let someone know you love them. Write that letter or email you have been putting off. Treasure what you have because you don't know how long you will have it.

I want to thank all of you regular readers. You have all been a great source of encouragement to me. You are all a very important part of my life! I love you all!

Please pray for The injured girl and the families of all of the mentioned.

Sit Around or Get Moving??????

2008-10-25T21:07:00.003-04:00

So I gained weight this past week. I am not surprised with all the pumpkin cookies I ate! But boy, oh boy were they ever good. So I sit here today, feeling a little down and fat, thinking about how I am feeling. I came to the conclusion that I have two choices. I can...

#1 - Sit around and feel sorry for myself and about how I feel

OR

#2 - I can get off my butt, get to the gym, eat right and lose this weight, making me feel better about me.

So Monday I am embarking on the journey yet again. The journey to a new, better, healthier, thinner me.

Just for Ten Days

2008-10-24T18:10:00.004-04:00

Just for ten days I knew what it was like to be pregnant.

Just for ten days I was excited about the life growing inside of me.

Just for ten days I wondered, boy or girl.

Just for ten days I thought about what name we would give our child.

Just for ten days I dared to dream.

Ten glorious days

Turned to sadness

Then to, God gave hope

And we continue on

Just 10 days

I would not change.

One of my Hobbies

2008-10-19T10:02:00.002-04:00

I just realized that I have not really posted about one of my hobbies...flower gardening. I love to garden. I get so excited when I see my bulbs start to come up in the Spring, closely followed by my perennials. I love being able to plant my annuals and watch them grow as well. However, I tend to get a little sad in the Fall when I know the end of the flowering season is coming. Just at the right time my Mums take over and make me smile again.

Having a beautiful garden is no easy task. In the fall pulling out, trimming back and mulching takes a lot of time. In the Spring the beginning of weeding, Spring into Summer...more planting and more weeding. Who could forget the watering? Dry summers are tough, watering every night or morning is quite a chore but well worth it when the beautiful results are seen.

Fort Stanwix National Monument

2008-10-14T18:49:00.007-04:00

After we left the campsite on Monday we stopped in Rome, NY at Fort Stanwix National Monument. I love US History so this was more my idea but Dustin obliged me. I learned about the history and really enjoyed visiting it. I would love to go to the reenactment either Novebmer 8 or 9 but I am not sure Dustin is into that. I guess I need to find someone who would enjoy it as much as I would. Here are some pictures.

Pictures from Delta Lake

2008-10-14T18:36:00.014-04:00

We are back. We did not want to come back because we had a great time and we did not want it to end. But all good things must end...eventually. Here are some pictures from our weekend.

Our campsite

The view of the lake from our campsite

Dustin sleeping in.

Dustin and Augge

From my kayak...if you look carefully you can see a crane in flight. At one point I was close enough to see his throat ripple when he was eating.

Dustin and Augge playing fetch.

Part of our kayaking trip.

Augge and Myself

Sunset from the woods when we were hiking

Sunset from the shore

Foliage

Augge swimming

Augge after swimming

Moon and foliage (a little blurry because it was getting dark and I had to use a special setting)

Augge exhausted from our trip

Happy Anniversary to Us!

2008-10-11T11:31:00.003-04:00

In about 1 hour we will be headed to Delta Lake near Rome, New York camping for the weekend. Our anniversary was the 8th so this is our anniversary trip. Be ready for pictures when we return.

I hope everyone has a great long weekend!

Please check this out!

2008-10-06T20:45:00.004-04:00

Please read "You Decide..." a post in one of my friends' blogs. It is a post for those who cannot speak for themselves. It is a very important and thought provoking post. Read and share it with others! Lets get the word out!

http://sixdayswithtyler.blogspot.com/2008/10/womens-rights-really.html

Cardboard Testimonies (Worth the few minutes to watch!)

2008-10-01T20:35:00.004-04:00

Take a look...

2008-09-25T19:43:00.005-04:00

at my quit smoking meter at the bottom of the page. I am quite excited about the numbers!!!!

Also, and more importantly, Dustin was saying tonight he is going to try to quit smoking and smoked his last cigarette. This is something he struggles with because he drives all day, which makes it a lot harder. Please pray he is able to quit smoking, if not now, eventually. Thank you!

Foster Care

2008-09-25T07:32:00.004-04:00

I know I have been focused on other things and have not mentioned foster care in a very long time. The main reason I have not mentioned it is because any steps we were taking to be foster parents has come to a hault. There are fears on foster care Dustin is not ready to face, giving a child back after parenting them for a year, is one of those fears. I have to admit that giving a child back scares me as well. We also feel there are things we need to take care of before brining a foster child into our home.

It seems that this door is closed for now. I am not sure why God has allowed it to be closed but I do know it is His will. That brings me to a verse that often comes to mind because it seems like that is all I am doing these days. I will have to admit though, it is not always patiently I am waiting.

Psalm 40:1 I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry.

All I want for Christmas is...

2008-09-24T16:50:00.005-04:00

No, not my two front teeth...I already have them! I want a gift certificate or two (or three) to Victoria's Secret because, finally, I will be able to get some pretty bras that fit! I also want money for new clothes. Why the new clothes? Well, I have 12 weeks until my surgery. If I lose 2 pounds a week that will be 24 pounds gone. That, combined with my reduction means...Stephanie needs some new clothes! I will be so easy to shop for this year! :)

Well that was fast!

2008-09-23T16:44:00.006-04:00

I called my plastic surgeon's (how weird is it to write that!) office this morning. I told her what day I wanted to have my surgery. She said she would have to get back to me. She said it would probably be a few days. Well...she just called. I cannot believe it was that fast. Here is the run down...

November 25 - Appointment at the office
December 3 - Appointment at the hospital

and for the big day...

December 15 at 10:45 so if things go well by December 15 at 3:00 I should be in or on my way to the recovery room.

Now I feel a little sick to my stomach because of all I have to do! Here is my list...

Get everything ready for Christmas...early!
Have the house very, very clean so Dustin only has to maintain
Make some meals and freeze them so it will be easier for Dustin

I know I have a ton of time but if you know me well you also know I am a planner so I will need to start planning now!

The letter finally came!

2008-09-22T19:37:00.005-04:00

I received the letter from my insurance company regarding my breast reduction today. IT WAS APPROVED! I guess I really should not be surprised but I am. Tomorrow I am going to call the office to see what the next step is. I really, really want to get the surgery scheduled. This might mean I need to add another ticker at the bottom, if I can find one for that sort of thing. :)

1st Infertility Stamp

2008-09-20T08:20:00.005-04:00

I wanted to draw attention to the addition on the right side of my blog. It is thought to be the world's first infertility stamp. It is from Portugal. Here is an excerpt of the article I got the picture from...

"In March, 2008, Portugal's postal authority CTT Correios de Portugal, S.A. may have made postal history when it issued the stamp shown on the left. It is thought that this stamp was the first ever stamp specifically issued to raise awareness of the struggles of infertility. In a March, 2008, article in Linn's Stamp News, the de-facto industry standard for philatelic news, suggests that this is, in fact, the first stamp on this topic.

Infertility is the inability of a couple to conceive a child or, if conceived, the inability to successfully carry the child to delivery. The condition is usually associated with strong emotions such as angst, grief, anger, a sense of incompleteness, and depression. The emotional impact to the affected individual or couple can be devastating."...

"The stamp issued by Portugal is beautifully designed and conveys the hopes of infertile couples with its imagery. The stamp shows a stylized silhouette image of a man and woman embracing a child. The image of the child is almost ghost-like in appearance, symbolizing the hope for the child, yet at the same time highlighting the fragility of conception for infertile couples."

From: Is This the World's First Infertility Postage Stamp? http://www.stampsofdistinction.com/2008/06/is-this-worlds-first-infertility.html

Boo Hoo

2008-09-18T15:10:00.003-04:00

So I went to the nutritionist yesterday and much to my dismay I gained 3 of my 5 pounds back. I was really upset about the gain. I will admit, I cried. I knew that I was not doing that well but I did not really think I was going to gain 3 pounds back! I have some plans for losing the 3 pounds again, keeping it gone, and losing more. I will post more about that later.

Fillmore Glen

2008-09-10T20:18:00.007-04:00

Dustin and I went camping last Saturday night with another couple. Although it was only one night we still had a great time. On Sunday we kayaked about 3 hours. We had a lot of fun doing that too. It was nice to finally get to camp, a little late in the season but still fun. I wish we had a few more months to camp!

Dustin and I in front of falls at Fillmore Glen

Owasco Lake Inlet, part of what we kayaked. Unfortunately, we were blocked from going this way because of the fallen tree so we chose to go back and around the other way.

Dustin explaining about the above tree.

Stupid Questions

2008-09-03T20:03:00.003-04:00

All the students were back to school today. I was walking to lunch duty when I saw a student who knows me but has never had me as a teacher. She says, "Mrs. Roach, you got your hair cut." I reply "Yes, I did." She asks "why?" Now is that or is that not a stupid question? I know, I know, as a teacher I should say, no question is stupid. But guess what...that one IS!!! And how do you respond? Because I wanted to? I didn't want to but I was forced to? I am losing my hair so I thought cutting it was easier? Seriously...what do you say? I just shrugged my shoulders and said "because."

A Bag of Sugar!

2008-09-03T19:46:00.001-04:00

So I went to the nutritionist today. Much to my surprise and happiness I weighed in at 212. That is a 5 pound lose since I was there 2 weeks ago tonight! I am so thrilled! With everything that is going on right now I cannot believe I even had a loss. I actually had tears in my eyes because of the weight I lost!

Reasons I Stopped Smoking

2008-09-01T19:41:00.005-04:00

1. To be able to get a breast reduction

2. To be able to breathe better

3. To save money for better things

4. To smell better :)

5. To extend my life expectancy

6. To make my family happy!

7. Because God wants my body to be a temple to Him

Breast Reduction

2008-09-01T19:28:00.004-04:00

I realized today that I have not posted much about the possibility of having a breast reduction. At first I thought it might be too personal but then I thought, hey, I posted how much I weigh here so what is the big deal anyway? :)

Two weeks ago tomorrow, Mom and I met with a plastic surgeon in Ithaca to talk about me getting a breast reduction. He said I am a perfect candidate except for one thing...I smoke. Apparently you are more at risk for getting necrosis of the fat and tissue, which basically means your skin and tissue does after surgery and you are left with horrible scars. I definitely don't want that so the next day I started making plans to quit smoking. Anyway...the surgeon took pictures, measurements, and write a bunch of things down to submit to my insurance company. He said if I don't hear in 6 weeks to call them. He also said if it was denied he would fight for me to get it approved. 2 weeks ago I thought 6 weeks seemed like forever, now it is only 4 weeks away. I cannot believe 2 weeks has already passed! Incidentally, 6 weeks from my consultation would be my 32nd birthday! Maybe that is a good sign.

When I left the appointment I was so excited about the possibility I felt like I was going to cry! What a difference a reduction would make in my life. To be pain free or at least a lot less pain in my back...I cannot even imagine!

5 1/2 days

2008-09-01T10:38:00.004-04:00

Can you believe it? I am over 5 1/2 days now. I am so excited!

Cinnamon Altoids

2008-08-30T20:34:00.003-04:00

I asked Dustin to bring me home some sugar-free cinnamon gum. Well, he brought me gum but it was 2 packages of Cinnamon Altoids. I really did not think I would like them because I have had Altoids before and they were way too strong. I have been craving cinnamon since I stopped smoking so I was a little disappointed. I did not say anything but opened the Altoids and got one. Wow! They are so good and sure do a good job curbing the cravings!

So...recommendation #1 for stopping smoking...Chantix, recommendation #2...Cinnamon Altoids

Almost Fall

2008-08-30T17:48:00.003-04:00

I feel like I have not had a summer break and I only have 2 more days until the new school year starts. :( Summer school was really rough this year, actually most of the summer was rough. Sometimes I think the school year is better than summer because at least I have long weekends and breaks to look forward to.

I cannot believe that Monday will bring September 1. I cannot believe that one month from today I will be 32. Where does time go? Soon we will be looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas then welcoming in 2009 (WOW). As time goes by, too quickly for me sometimes, I become more and more thankful for what I have been given. When it seems I cannot be more thankful, I am.

Doing great

2008-08-29T20:00:00.003-04:00

I am doing really well with not smoking. I know, from previous experience, that the third day is usually the most difficult. However, today was not that bad. I am having some cravings but nothing like I would have if I was not taking the Chantix. So my recommendation...know anyone that wants to quit smoking? Definitely check out Chantix!

I wipe tears from my eyes...

2008-08-28T21:38:00.003-04:00

because of all the support I am being shown! Thank you all so much! (Chandler and Liz, my latest blog posting encouragers). am proud to say it has been 48 hours 12 minutes. I am on such a "high" right now. I know I will not start smoking again!

Did you see?

2008-08-28T17:59:00.004-04:00

It has been 41 hours and 29 minutes! Can you believe it??? I have had some cravings but overall I am doing really well. I have had a lot of encouragement from my Mom and friends (thanks, Mom, Stacy and everyone at work!). I am a little concerned about this long weekend but I will keep praying and I know I will make it through!

10 1/2 hours and counting...

2008-08-27T08:00:00.002-04:00

I am feeling great! I am sure it will get more difficult as the day goes on but I can do this! BUT BY GOD!

Thanks for the encouragement Tammy and Jodi!

Tomorrow is the Big Day

2008-08-26T16:40:00.002-04:00

I am going to quit smoking tomorrow. Well, technically it will be around 9:30-10:00 tonight but tomorrow is close enough. I am really excited but really nervous as well. Prayers are always appreciated! I know God is with me and will carry me through the coming days no matter how difficult they are as long as I lean on Him.

Where did summer go?

2008-08-14T21:24:00.006-04:00

I thought summers were suppose to be nice and relaxing. After this summer I am not so sure about that. So, I hurt my back then we lost a dear friend. Added to that is tons of appointments with my doctor and chiropractor for my back, a consultation to a plastic surgeon for a breast reduction (Tuesday), an appointment with a nutritionist (Wednesday), trying to get to the gym at least 5 times a week, running around buying gifts for what seems like a ton of people, and just being plain busy with many other activities and the same old, same old, work keeping the house in order. I cannot believe tomorrow is the last day of summer school. I cannot believe that I will be working 9 weekdays at my regular job, have a 4 day weekend then go back to school for the school year. I have so much to get done before the start of the school year. I know it will get done I just hope it is done with little stress.

I long for...

2008-08-13T20:51:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I long for...

-Seeing a positive pregnancy test
-Seeing my baby's heartbeat on the screen
-Spending money on new clothes because I am getting "so fat" from pregnancy
-Feeling the discomfort of my stomach growing
-Feeling the discomfort of being huge with pregnancy
-A sleepless night because I cannot get comfortable
-Knowing I am in labor and ready to bring my child into the world

Do the women who have these opportunities realize how blessed they are? Do they realize that while they are complaining there are women that would give just about anything to feel the "discomforts" of pregnancy? Do they realize these women who long to be pregnant would welcome all the "discomforts"?

Other times I long for...
-Dirty diapers
-Being woken at night by a crying baby
-Tons of laundry
-Taking forever to get ready to go somewhere because there is a baby and all the stuff to go along with it
-Seeing my baby smile
-Cleaning my babies face after it has gotten food all over
...so many more things.

Again...do the women that complain about the above realize how many women would give almost anything for those things? Do they realize how blessed they are?

Wayne

2008-07-20T00:05:00.002-04:00

Life...you can be rolling through with everything going well then in a moment your life can change. Tragedy strikes. On Wednesday, June 16, 2008, our dear friend and best man in our wedding died tragically by his own hands. It breaks my heart to write that and brings even more tears to my eyes. How does one's life spiral downward so fast? How does one lose hope and see no other end? I don't understand. The one thing I understand is that a piece of my heart is gone and won't ever be the same again.

Wayne-

Dustin and I loved you so much! We were here for you! We offered our house as a safe haven for as long as you needed. We offered our ears to listen to you, our arms to hug you, and anything we could do for you in order to help you, everything that is ours would have been shared with you because we cared so very, very much. I don't understand why you could not accept that from us. I don't understand why you chose to end your own life instead of letting us help you.

Did you have any idea how much we would miss you? Did you have any idea how this would tear our hearts in two? Did you know how terribly difficult this would be for us, especially Dustin?

You are one of the best men I have known in my life. You truly cared about others. You would do anything for anyone at anytime. You had an infectious smile and a great sense of humor. You were a wonderful friend. You had such talents...especially the cars you spent hours and hours overhauling, the postal jeep that is amazing. You were just plain awesome.

I know we will get through this tough time but we will never forget you. You impacted our lives. I see you sitting on our couch. I see you working on our roof. I see you grinding away at yet another piece of metal. I see you sitting on our picnic table. I see you smiling. I see you laughing. I see you standing at my door the morning I married Dustin with a huge smile. I see you so emotional right before our wedding that people thought you were going to hyperventilate. I see you sitting there drinking a Mountain Dew. I see you dancing with Ky. I see you dancing with Dustin and my Dad at our wedding. I see you at Lights on the Lake and then Outback afterwards, what a great night that was. I see you in so many places.

I wish I could turn back time and know what I know now but that is not to be. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you I love you one more time but that is not to be either. I want to hear your voice and see your face, in person, not on a video or in a picture.

I pray you are at peace. I pray your pain is gone.

I miss and love you, Wayne!

Would I have chosen the same path?

2008-07-15T20:35:00.002-04:00

I often think about the paths I chosen in my life. I did not always choose the right path and I certainly did not always choose the easy path but they are the paths I have gone down. I wonder, if I had it to do all over again would I choose the same way? If I changed my choices, what would my life be like now? Of course, the one path I wish I had not chosen was the path that did not follow God for many years. I would change that if I could. Now all I can do is make up for those years on the wrong path. Other changes? If I could go back I would change not getting see my Grandma before she passed away. Others? I really don't think so. Oh there are those times when I say I wish I had never _____ or I wish I could change_____. However, I really don't think I would.

As I write this I think about those who live in the past. Obviously, it is not healthy to do this but don't we all at times. Dwelling on the past cannot help me in the future. But briefly looking at the past and learning from it can. I know there are times when I seem stuck in the past. But more often I look into the past for remembrance and learning.

God has given me the power of choice. I pray I make the right choices and look to today and the future.

Here I still sit

2008-07-15T20:27:00.003-04:00

Well, here I sit, still not back to work yet. I went to the chiropractor and the doctor yesterday. My doctor could feel knots in my back and said it was still swollen so she wants me out until Thursday. I did do a few things around the house today. Just a little laundry and made dinner but it is more than I have done. I am paying for it with a little bit more of a sore back. I go back to the chiropractor tomorrow. We are going to begin working on my neck pain (chronic) because he does not want to work on my lower back until my middle back is healed. Oh what fun. I am just praying my doctor's bills are too much!

BEWARE putting your pants on can be hazardous!

2008-07-09T20:31:00.003-04:00

Yep, I did it good this time. I was pulling on a pair of pants yesterday morning when I had the worst pain I have ever felt go through my back. I fell to the floor unable to breathe or talk due to the severity of the pain. I really thought I was having a heart attack. To make a long story short Dustin took me to the ER. They gave me some muscle relaxers and morphine by IV then took some chest x-rays and sent me home with the diagnosis of back spasms. I was given some strong medications and instructed not to do much of anything. I was pulled out of work for the rest of the week. So here I sit with nothing to do except lay around and get better. I have a doctor's appointment Friday so hopefully I will be back to work on Monday.

The moral of this story...be careful doing even the most common everyday activities...you never know!

Up and Down, Up and Down!

2008-06-25T20:55:00.003-04:00

The thing I don't like about emotions is how they always go up and down, up and down. Of course, there are the times when I am neutral as far as emotions. One day I am feeling so low that I don't think I can get any lower but a couple days later something clicks and I am feeling better. The last few weeks have been rough for me. However, today things clicked and I am feeling better. I worked and worked to get our spare bedroom cleaned out to ready it for a child. I got ssssoooo much done! I am very happy with my progress.

I planted 2 rose bushes

2008-06-16T18:49:00.005-04:00

Today was the day I have been dreading, my 2 year anniversary. My due date was June 16, 2006.
In remembrance I planted 2 yellow rose bushes. I did not cry as much as I thought I would today but there were tears. I wonder if each year gets a little easier. I wonder if in 10 more years I will still be trying to picture what our baby would look like at 12. Life is not easy but God will shine His light so I get through.

Our list...

2008-05-22T23:03:00.003-04:00

Since I love to make lists I thought I would list the things we need to get done to the house before we are ready to welcome children. Here it is:

Living Room: finish painting, put curtains up, steam clean floor and furniture
Dining Room: Paint and steam clean carpet
Mud Room: New light
Spare Bedroom: Paint, new flooring and clean out
Nursery/Toddler Room: Clean out
Other: finish putting windows in, replace some outlets, child proofing

Wow, it does not look like so much when I type it out! Since I have a 4 day weekend I am hoping to finish the living room and get moving on the spare bedroom. I want to start the nursery but I would like to get a crib first.

WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-22T23:01:00.002-04:00

We had our last MAPP class tonight! I cannot believe it is already over. We are now trained Foster parents but now we need to finish getting our house ready, finish a little paperwork, have our home study and we are ready to go. I am just amazed that we could soon have children in our house! It makes me so happy and emotional!

Letter to My Angel

2008-05-20T17:38:00.005-04:00

I know some people would find this very odd but I find it very comforting. It does not matter that it has been almost 2 years since my due date was suppose to be. It does not matter that life has moved on. What matters is that I am a Mom and I need to remember my sweet baby. The following is a letter I recently wrote. I had a hard time deciding if I should put it here but my Angel is part of me and part of my life.

Dear Sweet Angel Baby: May 2008

I cannot believe that had you stayed with me you would be 2 years old! To think you were due on June 16, 2006! Wow, time sure does fly! I know if you were here with me time would have gone faster. I would see you walking, talking and loving your Mommy and Daddy. I miss you little one but I know you are safe in God’s arms. I am sure Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Lundgren are taking wonderful care of you! I am sure they are happy to have one of their great grandchildren with them even if it hurts me to have you there. I know someday I will see you and hold you in my arms.

I am sure many people would find it very odd that I am writing to you! I don’t feel weird doing it. I feel like I am sending you my love the only way I can! Those who have lost a baby, whether it be to a miscarriage, stillbirth or after birth completely understand.

I wonder what color your eyes are…are they blue like Daddy’s or hazel like mine? What about your hair? Blonde like Daddy’s? Brown like Mommies? Are you tall? Or are you on the shorter side. Oh how I wish I could see you in my dreams.

Have you seen how big Augge is? We got him a few months before what was supposed to be your due date. He has gotten huge! I know he would love to play with you in the backyard. I also know he would be very protective of you!

Daddy and I are working on getting a little brother or sister for you! It has been a tough road but we are taking foster care classes. I know you know all this but I want to tell you too! We are hoping to adopt through foster care. Don’t worry sweet one, nobody can ever take your place. You will always be our first child, no matter what! I will never forget you! Your footprints are on my heart and soul forever.

I have been working on the house a little bit. You were with us the first time we looked at the house. Unfortunately you left us the day we made a deal for it. You would have loved living here. The backyard is a good size and all fenced in!

Well, I am going to sign off for now. Remember, Sweetie, I love you more than you could ever know. I don’t worry about you because I know you are safe…I just miss you!

Love your Mommy

One More Class

2008-05-17T18:42:00.002-04:00

We have one more class to attend! The last 9 weeks have flown! I cannot believe it is almost over!

My Purchases

2008-05-17T18:33:00.002-04:00

I started purchasing items we may need for foster care. I went to some rummage sales to get clothes and anything else I could find. I chose rummage sales because I wanted to get clothes for boys and girls from infant to 6 years old. I found some really adorable clothes all look new. I could not believe the prices! They were great!

I also found everything to set up a nursery. Now all we need is the crib. It is a Noah's Ark theme. I got all the bedding, decorations, a stool, diaper holder, etc. for only $50. I was excited about that since I really wanted to so that theme and it matches the color the room is already.

I think it is very difficult to plan for an age range. When someone is pregnant they know they are getting an infant but we have no idea what we are getting except that it will be in our age range.

At times, my excitement wanes. However, at other times I am excited. I wish my emotions were more consistent.

Mother's Day

2008-05-11T19:20:00.005-04:00

Oh that dreaded day has come and is almost gone for another year. I feel like a mother but I am sure others do not look at me that way. I have a baby. It doesn't matter that my baby died way too early for me to even catch a glimpse of or that my baby is in heaven. I am still a mommy. Of course, there are also the furbabies...they are my kids and I love and adore them!

I have to say it was a nice day. I really enjoyed myself with my Mom. Mom won a petunia at our church because she drove the furthest to attend, 1 1/2 hours. That was quite cool! The sermon was nice. It is just a rough day. I wish it wasn't and I am sure someday it won't be but for now, it is! I long for the day I have a child to celebrate Mother's Day with.

The sermon today was about Hannah. The verses were from I Samuel 1:1-20. Hannah was barren. Eventually God gave her children. Here are a few of the verses.

10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

Obviously, Hannah prayed for a child and she received one. I have, off and on, prayed for a baby but have not done it consistently. I feel like God knows what I want and I don't want to be selfish. Maybe I am wrong in this. Maybe I need to pray for a child.

Updated 45 minutes later...How a few minutes can change someone's feelings. I feel very, very sad right now. I guess that is due to a conversation earlier today that is finally sinking in. I know this feeling will pass I just wish it would pass now instead of later and forever!

Is this real???

2008-05-03T18:05:00.002-04:00

I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around the fact that in less then 6 months we could have little feet running around our house. I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I am purchasing children's clothes, preparing a nursery and preparing another children's bedroom. Is this real?

Song of Hope by Robbie Seay Band

2008-04-26T20:59:00.003-04:00

All things bright and beautiful You are
All things wise and wonderful You are
In my darkest night, You brighten up the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know that You are near is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

All things new
I can start again
Creator, God
Calling me Your friend
Sing praise, my soul
To the Maker of the skies
A song will rise

I will sing a song of hope
Sing along
God of heaven come down
Heaven come down
Just to know You and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down

Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing
Hallelujah, sing