Dear Mr. Hallmark

This was shared on the infertility site I go to, Stepping Stones. I know it is past Mother's Day but I wanted to share it anyway. Although I have no living children and had an early miscarriage I still believe I am a Mom. It is hard to deal with Mother's Day because I want to be a Mom so bad but also because I remember the baby I have that is living in Heaven. Next Mother's Day say a little prayer for those hurting on Mother's Day. They will so appreciate it.

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Has it really been three years?

I have not posted about the anniversary of one of the most sad times of my entire life. Why? I am not sure. Maybe I was, in a way, trying to forget it. Maybe I did not want to post it for anyone in the world to see. Whatever my subconscious reasons are, I have decided to post about it.

Three years ago on Monday, October 27 I underwent emergency surgery a short 10 days after we found out I was pregnant. I had surgery because of a suspected ectopic pregnancy. The surgery resulted in the loss of a tube. Needless to say, I was devastated. As I laid in bed on Sunday night I was brought back to the night before my surgery. Dustin and his Mom took me to the hospital at 8:30 PM. This was after I had gone to the doctor's earlier that day because I was cramping and bleeding. The prognosis of the doctor's visit and ultrasound was not good. Anyway, back the that night. Around 2AM after another ultrasound I was put into an unused part of the ER so I could get some sleep before my doctor came in at 6:30 to talk to me and perform surgery. I really believe this is the worst night I have ever spent. I did not sleep a wink. The entire night it was all I could do to keep from screaming because of the emotional pain I was feeling. My mind was racing. I thought, maybe I would not have the surgery, maybe the baby is still ok, maybe it is not an ectopic pregnancy. I knew what needed to be done but it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. In a sense I felt like I was killing my baby by making the decision to have the surgery. Of course, deep down, I knew I had to make the decision I made but try telling that to a woman that is going through what I went through.

Obviously, the recovery was very difficult. I remember the feeling of devastation. I remember sitting in a chair handing out candy 4 nights later and not wanting to be there. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the physical and emotional pain. I remember thinking, maybe my baby is not really gone and I am still pregnant. I remember going back to work 8 days later to hear stupid comments like "at least you weren't that far along" or "it is not like it was a baby". I remember the urge to scream and scream. I remember the urge to run away from everyone and everything that I knew and was familiar with. I also remember the love shown to me by my friends and family. I remember the beautiful clouds I saw a few days later. I remember sitting outside at night looking at the stars picking out my baby's star as my Mom showed me to do after my Grandpa had passed away. (To this day, I do that) I remember knowing I was going to be ok I just did not know when. I remember the Ship Story Salina told me (that still helps me in some situations). I remember that the night before Halloween that year, Dustin made me carve pumpkins. I remember how happy that made me. I remember the good and the horrible.

Although it is one of the worst times of my life, it lead to a wonderful thing, my return to God. The One who never forgot me but the One I nearly forgot. I have leaned on Him so many times since then. I am so thankful I found my way back even if it was because of what I consider a tragedy.

The pain comes each year but each year it is feels a little better. I will never forget my first baby. The comfort of knowing my baby is in Heaven with his/her Great Grandma and Great Grandpa and, of course, God is a comfort to me.

I will leave you with 2 poems I wrote shortly after my miscarriage (yes, it was a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy, I found out a few months later).

Bright, Shining Star
Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much you are loved,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I miss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know the plans I had
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I want to hold, touch, and kiss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I wanted to get to know you
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
You are my first child and always will be
Though you were here such a short time!

Untitled Poem
Nausea
Sadness
Heart-break
Hurt
Pain
Loss
Fear
Weakness
Empty arms
Empty womb
Empty heart
From this, someday springs…
Hope

Just for Ten Days

Just for ten days I knew what it was like to be pregnant.

Just for ten days I was excited about the life growing inside of me.

Just for ten days I wondered, boy or girl.

Just for ten days I thought about what name we would give our child.

Just for ten days I dared to dream.

Ten glorious days

Turned to sadness

Then to, God gave hope

And we continue on

Just 10 days

I would not change.

I planted 2 rose bushes

Today was the day I have been dreading, my 2 year anniversary. My due date was June 16, 2006.
In remembrance I planted 2 yellow rose bushes. I did not cry as much as I thought I would today but there were tears. I wonder if each year gets a little easier. I wonder if in 10 more years I will still be trying to picture what our baby would look like at 12. Life is not easy but God will shine His light so I get through.