Wayne

Life...you can be rolling through with everything going well then in a moment your life can change. Tragedy strikes. On Wednesday, June 16, 2008, our dear friend and best man in our wedding died tragically by his own hands. It breaks my heart to write that and brings even more tears to my eyes. How does one's life spiral downward so fast? How does one lose hope and see no other end? I don't understand. The one thing I understand is that a piece of my heart is gone and won't ever be the same again.

Wayne-

Dustin and I loved you so much! We were here for you! We offered our house as a safe haven for as long as you needed. We offered our ears to listen to you, our arms to hug you, and anything we could do for you in order to help you, everything that is ours would have been shared with you because we cared so very, very much. I don't understand why you could not accept that from us. I don't understand why you chose to end your own life instead of letting us help you.

Did you have any idea how much we would miss you? Did you have any idea how this would tear our hearts in two? Did you know how terribly difficult this would be for us, especially Dustin?

You are one of the best men I have known in my life. You truly cared about others. You would do anything for anyone at anytime. You had an infectious smile and a great sense of humor. You were a wonderful friend. You had such talents...especially the cars you spent hours and hours overhauling, the postal jeep that is amazing. You were just plain awesome.

I know we will get through this tough time but we will never forget you. You impacted our lives. I see you sitting on our couch. I see you working on our roof. I see you grinding away at yet another piece of metal. I see you sitting on our picnic table. I see you smiling. I see you laughing. I see you standing at my door the morning I married Dustin with a huge smile. I see you so emotional right before our wedding that people thought you were going to hyperventilate. I see you sitting there drinking a Mountain Dew. I see you dancing with Ky. I see you dancing with Dustin and my Dad at our wedding. I see you at Lights on the Lake and then Outback afterwards, what a great night that was. I see you in so many places.

I wish I could turn back time and know what I know now but that is not to be. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you I love you one more time but that is not to be either. I want to hear your voice and see your face, in person, not on a video or in a picture.

I pray you are at peace. I pray your pain is gone.

I miss and love you, Wayne!

Would I have chosen the same path?

I often think about the paths I chosen in my life. I did not always choose the right path and I certainly did not always choose the easy path but they are the paths I have gone down. I wonder, if I had it to do all over again would I choose the same way? If I changed my choices, what would my life be like now? Of course, the one path I wish I had not chosen was the path that did not follow God for many years. I would change that if I could. Now all I can do is make up for those years on the wrong path. Other changes? If I could go back I would change not getting see my Grandma before she passed away. Others? I really don't think so. Oh there are those times when I say I wish I had never _____ or I wish I could change_____. However, I really don't think I would.

As I write this I think about those who live in the past. Obviously, it is not healthy to do this but don't we all at times. Dwelling on the past cannot help me in the future. But briefly looking at the past and learning from it can. I know there are times when I seem stuck in the past. But more often I look into the past for remembrance and learning.

God has given me the power of choice. I pray I make the right choices and look to today and the future.

Here I still sit

Well, here I sit, still not back to work yet. I went to the chiropractor and the doctor yesterday. My doctor could feel knots in my back and said it was still swollen so she wants me out until Thursday. I did do a few things around the house today. Just a little laundry and made dinner but it is more than I have done. I am paying for it with a little bit more of a sore back. I go back to the chiropractor tomorrow. We are going to begin working on my neck pain (chronic) because he does not want to work on my lower back until my middle back is healed. Oh what fun. I am just praying my doctor's bills are too much!

BEWARE putting your pants on can be hazardous!

Yep, I did it good this time. I was pulling on a pair of pants yesterday morning when I had the worst pain I have ever felt go through my back. I fell to the floor unable to breathe or talk due to the severity of the pain. I really thought I was having a heart attack. To make a long story short Dustin took me to the ER. They gave me some muscle relaxers and morphine by IV then took some chest x-rays and sent me home with the diagnosis of back spasms. I was given some strong medications and instructed not to do much of anything. I was pulled out of work for the rest of the week. So here I sit with nothing to do except lay around and get better. I have a doctor's appointment Friday so hopefully I will be back to work on Monday.

The moral of this story...be careful doing even the most common everyday activities...you never know!

Up and Down, Up and Down!

The thing I don't like about emotions is how they always go up and down, up and down. Of course, there are the times when I am neutral as far as emotions. One day I am feeling so low that I don't think I can get any lower but a couple days later something clicks and I am feeling better. The last few weeks have been rough for me. However, today things clicked and I am feeling better. I worked and worked to get our spare bedroom cleaned out to ready it for a child. I got ssssoooo much done! I am very happy with my progress.

I planted 2 rose bushes

Today was the day I have been dreading, my 2 year anniversary. My due date was June 16, 2006.
In remembrance I planted 2 yellow rose bushes. I did not cry as much as I thought I would today but there were tears. I wonder if each year gets a little easier. I wonder if in 10 more years I will still be trying to picture what our baby would look like at 12. Life is not easy but God will shine His light so I get through.