The day before

24 hours from now I should be 1 hour and 15 minutes into my surgery. I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. Yesterday I was thinking about just how fast it was gone. Just 5 months ago I was laying on the couch, taking vicodin recovering from my back surgery. Now I am preparing for a surgery that will hopefully change my life. To be honest this was not an easy decision for me to make. Of course I wanted to have it done but there are so many thoughts I have had through this journey...Many people will not understand because it truly is a "big breast thing".

I have feelings about my big breasts...
My breasts have always been something not many people had so they made me feel special in some sort of weird way. When I felt fat and ugly there were the boobs...the one thing about me that was attractive to the opposite sex. At the same time I am so sick of back aches and neck pain. Along with the neck pain comes headaches. I love to garden...do you know how hard it is to do this when you can only work in the flowers for a half an hour at a time and when you do it you can barely walk because your back hurts so bad? I am also sick of not being able to wear what I want, no button up shirts, dresses that fit right on top but not on bottom or vice versa. I am sick of my shoulders hurting from my bra cutting into them. I am sick of my breasts getting in the way all the time. I am sick of not being able to find a sports bra to work out in. I am sick of spending so much money on bras. I am sick of not being able to find a pretty bra but instead a bra that is a basic color with 4-5 hooks in the back. I am sick of not being able to wear a cute little bra and panty set because they don't make them with my size bra. I am sick of people (not just men) looking at me and seeing my breasts instead of me. I am sick of them.

Along with these thoughts come worries of what is to come...
Will I be happy with smaller breasts. Of course I am going to love the perkiness that comes with a reduction but what if I don't like my new breasts? What if Dustin hates my new breasts? What then, you just can't have them put back in. What if my back and neck pain does not get a lot better? (Although from everything I have heard and read it will get better immediately) Will I think I am too small? Will I get depressed as many women do?

Along with these thoughts come the thoughts that I am so excited about...
I will be able to buy a sports bra. Maybe I will finally be able to run...yeah, I have asthma but that can be controlled as long as I don't have to run holding my breasts. Maybe I will finally feel comfortable working out. Maybe I can finally lose this weight that I have wanted to lose so long? I will finally be able to buy bras and panty sets. I will finally be able to wear button up shirts without a cami underneath. I will not be embarassed about sagging, huge breasts. I won't put a bra on as soon as I get up and take it off right before I go to bed because I am embarassed. I will have a new big breast free life.

All in all, I am so excited about tomorrow. I wish it was over but soon enough it will be. I cannot wait to complete my recovery and be the new me.

Angels Everywhere

I think there are angels everywhere. I think God sends us angels when we need them. I am not talking about angels in Heaven but, instead, angels on earth. The last 2 months have been very, very rough for me. There are times when I felt like nothing was ever going to get better, times when I did not know what to do next, times when I felt like I had nowhere to turn. At those low points, God has sent me angels. A few of my angels...

Stacy...just last night I was on surfing the web feeling very low. The day had been terrible and once again, I let Satan get to me and my emotions. Just then a message popped up from Stacy. She told me God put me on her mind today and that she is praying for me. My angel...of course I cried but after that I felt a little lighter and my heart did not feel as heavy. Thank you for being my angel, Stacy. I love you!

Mom...My Mom has been my angel so many times I cannot even count. Recently, her love, prayers and support has gotten me through some rough times. She will be with me for three days after my surgery providing support in that manner as well. Thank you for being my angel, Mom. I love you!

Those are just 2 examples of the angels that have entered my life. Of course there have been many more, My Grandma, the women from SS, etc.

When things get tough remember that you have angels too. You may not see them or hear from them but they are there.

Also, remember to be an angel to someone else. When you know someone is going through a tough time reach out to them. Reach out to others you care for, you never know what is going on in their lives.

I searched for some quotes on angels and found the following. They don't have a specific author listed but I got them at http://www.dltk-bible.com/angels/angel_quotes.htm.

"An angel is someone who raises your spirits! A TRUE FRIEND"

"An angel is someone you feel like you've known forever, even though you've just met."

"An angel is someone you're always happy to bump into."

"An angel's art is his heart."

"Angels are always memorable because they never forget what really matters."

"Angels are bright lights in the midst of our lives."

"Angels encourage everyone in the right direction...up."

"Angels have a hidden agenda....LOVE."

"Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them."

"Angels walk softly and carry a big presence."

"Anyone can be an angel... to you."

"Anyone who helps you grow is an angel."

"You don't have to die to become an angel."

The Angels
May angels rest beside your door,
May you hear their voices sing.
May you feel their loving care for you,
May you hear their peace bells ring.
May angels always care for you,
And not let you trip and fall,
May they bear you up on angel's wings,
May they keep you standing tall.
May they whisper wisdom in your ear,
May they touch you when you need,
May they remove from you each trace of fear,
May they keep you from feeling greed.
May they fill you with their presence,
May they show you love untold,
May they always stand beside you And make you ever bold.
May they teach you what you need to know About life here and here-after.
May they fill you always with their love And give you the gift of laughter

We need prayer

I have hesitated to write this here, not sure why but I decided to do it regardless of my thoughts not to. Dustin and I are having a lot of problems right now. I am praying we can get through this rough patch but I really just don't know. I feel sick about what is going on and I have even thought about canceling my surgery but I know I need to have it. I don't know what to do anymore. Please pray for both of us.

Did you see it?

My ticker at the bottom of the page? Did you see that is says 7 days until my surgery? One week from this moment, if everything goes according to planned, I will be ending my third hour of surgery. I cannot believe it is so close! Remember when you were a child...you would get really excited about Christmas weeks before Christmas was actually here? I feel the same way...I am so excited I can barely sleep! One of the secretaries I work with asked if I was ready. Of course, I told her how excited I am. She told me I have a twinkle in my eyes. Oh I cannot wait!

My New Phone

It might be pathetic when a blogger turns to talking about her new phone but hey, I am in love with my new phone so I wanted to share. This is in no way a plug for Verizon or LG. :)

I got the EnV2 on Wednesday and I can barely make myself put it down! In case you don't know what it looks like, here is a picture.

I know, I know, it is beautiful! What a piece of craftsmanship! ;)

So in honor of the new phone, who I just might name (seriously, hey I am 32 have no kids and I kiss my dog on the mouth, I can name my phone!), I will be having Tales of the New Phone throughout the next few days...or maybe longer.

The count down has now really started!

Today I had my pre-op appointment at the hospital where I am having my surgery. I have never been to this hospital so I was a little nervous. I did not even know where the hospital was so that made me a little more nervous. I made it in about 1 hour which I did not think was bad. I got to the hospital at around 12:30 which was a half an hour early. I had brought a book so I sat there and read. At 12:40 I decided to go in so I could go to the bathroom before my appointment. While I was washing my hands I looked in the mirror to see a horrible rash on my chest! It was all red and splotchy. It was also on my arms. I was so nervous that for some reason they would think it was a rash I have had and it would keep me from having surgery. I went, did paperwork and about 15 minutes later was taken in to meet with my nurses. There was a male and female nurse. The male nurse took my blood pressure and blood, the female went over all the paperwork with me and gave me directions. The first thing the male nurse asked is if I was Stephanie Roach the surgeon. There is an orthopedic surgeon in Ithaca named Stephanie Roach. She also recently started working in the area I am from. I have been asked before, more seriously if I was her. I just say I wish. Anyway...I said I wish. He said no, I knew you weren't here before I even saw you because she would not need to have the same surgery you are having. I laughed and laughed then said...well, I have never met her but now I know one thing about what she looks like. Anyway...my blood pressure was 150/100. Now I have high blood pressure but it has never been this high. When I went to my regular Dr. last week it was 126/82. I told him I was really nervous. He said the other nurse would check it at the end of my appointment. So went the rest of the appointment...history of surgeries, medication I am on, instructions, health problems, allergies, etc. It was not a bad appointment at all. We laughed and joked. I was so sure my blood pressure would be great at the end but guess what...it was 147/96! I cannot believe it was so high! I was afraid that the high blood pressure would keep me from having surgery. The nurse said there was a cutoff but not to worry because she would make sure we got it below the cut off. She checked the cutoff and PTL my blood pressure was below that. So...pending a pregnancy test (which I am 99.9999999% sure will be negative) and me getting better (which I am) and not getting sick again I am set to go. 12 days and counting!