Has it really been three years?

I have not posted about the anniversary of one of the most sad times of my entire life. Why? I am not sure. Maybe I was, in a way, trying to forget it. Maybe I did not want to post it for anyone in the world to see. Whatever my subconscious reasons are, I have decided to post about it.

Three years ago on Monday, October 27 I underwent emergency surgery a short 10 days after we found out I was pregnant. I had surgery because of a suspected ectopic pregnancy. The surgery resulted in the loss of a tube. Needless to say, I was devastated. As I laid in bed on Sunday night I was brought back to the night before my surgery. Dustin and his Mom took me to the hospital at 8:30 PM. This was after I had gone to the doctor's earlier that day because I was cramping and bleeding. The prognosis of the doctor's visit and ultrasound was not good. Anyway, back the that night. Around 2AM after another ultrasound I was put into an unused part of the ER so I could get some sleep before my doctor came in at 6:30 to talk to me and perform surgery. I really believe this is the worst night I have ever spent. I did not sleep a wink. The entire night it was all I could do to keep from screaming because of the emotional pain I was feeling. My mind was racing. I thought, maybe I would not have the surgery, maybe the baby is still ok, maybe it is not an ectopic pregnancy. I knew what needed to be done but it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. In a sense I felt like I was killing my baby by making the decision to have the surgery. Of course, deep down, I knew I had to make the decision I made but try telling that to a woman that is going through what I went through.

Obviously, the recovery was very difficult. I remember the feeling of devastation. I remember sitting in a chair handing out candy 4 nights later and not wanting to be there. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the physical and emotional pain. I remember thinking, maybe my baby is not really gone and I am still pregnant. I remember going back to work 8 days later to hear stupid comments like "at least you weren't that far along" or "it is not like it was a baby". I remember the urge to scream and scream. I remember the urge to run away from everyone and everything that I knew and was familiar with. I also remember the love shown to me by my friends and family. I remember the beautiful clouds I saw a few days later. I remember sitting outside at night looking at the stars picking out my baby's star as my Mom showed me to do after my Grandpa had passed away. (To this day, I do that) I remember knowing I was going to be ok I just did not know when. I remember the Ship Story Salina told me (that still helps me in some situations). I remember that the night before Halloween that year, Dustin made me carve pumpkins. I remember how happy that made me. I remember the good and the horrible.

Although it is one of the worst times of my life, it lead to a wonderful thing, my return to God. The One who never forgot me but the One I nearly forgot. I have leaned on Him so many times since then. I am so thankful I found my way back even if it was because of what I consider a tragedy.

The pain comes each year but each year it is feels a little better. I will never forget my first baby. The comfort of knowing my baby is in Heaven with his/her Great Grandma and Great Grandpa and, of course, God is a comfort to me.

I will leave you with 2 poems I wrote shortly after my miscarriage (yes, it was a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy, I found out a few months later).

Bright, Shining Star
Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much you are loved,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I miss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know the plans I had
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I want to hold, touch, and kiss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I wanted to get to know you
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
You are my first child and always will be
Though you were here such a short time!

Untitled Poem
Nausea
Sadness
Heart-break
Hurt
Pain
Loss
Fear
Weakness
Empty arms
Empty womb
Empty heart
From this, someday springs…
Hope

A Rough Weekend for BOCES

Wow, I went to work today to find out about 4 incidents that happened to people associated with the BOCES I work at.

#1 - Steve, who graduated from BOCES 2 years ago was killed in the car accident. He was also a volunteer fireman with Dustin.

#2 - Heather, a current student, was in an accident and was life flighted to a Syracuse hospital. She has head injuries, broken bones in her back and a few other things. She is currently in critical condition.

#3 - A former teacher from BOCES passed away.

#4 - Chris (55), a former secretary at BOCES, died in her sleep.

I guess it is another reminder that we never know what tomorrow brings, or even what the next hour brings. God takes loved one when He is ready for them. Make today count. Help someone. Let someone know you love them. Write that letter or email you have been putting off. Treasure what you have because you don't know how long you will have it.

I want to thank all of you regular readers. You have all been a great source of encouragement to me. You are all a very important part of my life! I love you all!

Please pray for The injured girl and the families of all of the mentioned.

Sit Around or Get Moving??????

So I gained weight this past week. I am not surprised with all the pumpkin cookies I ate! But boy, oh boy were they ever good. So I sit here today, feeling a little down and fat, thinking about how I am feeling. I came to the conclusion that I have two choices. I can...

#1 - Sit around and feel sorry for myself and about how I feel

OR

#2 - I can get off my butt, get to the gym, eat right and lose this weight, making me feel better about me.

So Monday I am embarking on the journey yet again. The journey to a new, better, healthier, thinner me.

Just for Ten Days

Just for ten days I knew what it was like to be pregnant.

Just for ten days I was excited about the life growing inside of me.

Just for ten days I wondered, boy or girl.

Just for ten days I thought about what name we would give our child.

Just for ten days I dared to dream.

Ten glorious days

Turned to sadness

Then to, God gave hope

And we continue on

Just 10 days

I would not change.

One of my Hobbies

I just realized that I have not really posted about one of my hobbies...flower gardening. I love to garden. I get so excited when I see my bulbs start to come up in the Spring, closely followed by my perennials. I love being able to plant my annuals and watch them grow as well. However, I tend to get a little sad in the Fall when I know the end of the flowering season is coming. Just at the right time my Mums take over and make me smile again.

Having a beautiful garden is no easy task. In the fall pulling out, trimming back and mulching takes a lot of time. In the Spring the beginning of weeding, Spring into Summer...more planting and more weeding. Who could forget the watering? Dry summers are tough, watering every night or morning is quite a chore but well worth it when the beautiful results are seen.

Fort Stanwix National Monument

After we left the campsite on Monday we stopped in Rome, NY at Fort Stanwix National Monument. I love US History so this was more my idea but Dustin obliged me. I learned about the history and really enjoyed visiting it. I would love to go to the reenactment either Novebmer 8 or 9 but I am not sure Dustin is into that. I guess I need to find someone who would enjoy it as much as I would. Here are some pictures.