Mother's Day

My friend, Stacy, shared this on Stepping Stones, the Christian infertility forums I frequent and am a moderator for. It is from an email she received from her niece. It is a fitting poem for me especially on Mother's Day when I remember the baby I lost that the world has forgotten and as I long to hold a little one in my arms someday. To all my Stepping Stones sisters and all the women dealing with IF out there, I salute you. I salute you for your bravery as you go through month after month of disappointments. I salute you for your perseverance to keep pressing on. As my friend, Jess said, Happy Unmother's Day to you! I am thinking about you and praying for you today.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother

To all Moms and soon-to-be Moms...Happy Mother's Day. May you remember what a beautiful and special treasure you have been given from God. Also, hope you get a little pampering today!

My Older Brother, Shawn

My brother, Shawn, is 3 years and 15 days older than I am. He was born on September 15, 1973. Due to a complication at birth Shawn is mentally retarded. I tell you this because it obviously plays a huge role in his life as well as ours.

I am told Shawn learned to speak when I did. I don't know much about Shawn growing up as I don't remember. But I do know he received speech therapy starting at a young age. I remember that he never road the same bus as I did until high school and I remember he did not attend the same school as I did, again, until high school. I remember that he would cut wood and mow the lawn. I remember that he never wanted to order meals when we were out to dinner. Instead, he would say, I will have what Dad has. I do remember the smiles and laughter coming from him. I too, remember the people that use to pick on him. I remember the strange looks he sometimes got. I will never forget the anger that would grow inside of me when I saw this or heard about it. He was my brother...how could someone pick on him? He was great! All you needed to do was get to know him to realize that. I soon grew to realize these people were ignorant. I remember feeling ever so protective of him.

One of the strongest memories I have of high school happened when I was in 9th grade. Shawn had been repeatedly picked on by another student. After taking a lot of picking and being pushed to his max he hit this student...believe it or not I remember what the kid looked like. Shawn was suspended. Only hours later a petition was circulating through the high school, started by Jennifer, in an attempt to get him back in school. His friends, the football and baseball players as well as many others signed this petition. He was soon back in school but the ignorance continued.

Then came the anxiety. There are tears in my eyes as I write about this. I remember endless nights of pacing and anxiety. I remember many times when I was scared for him. I remember endless different kinds of medication. I remember his being in the Elmira Psychiatric Center to detox from the wrong medication he was given. It was right before Christmas. I remember my Dad crying. I remember, when I was in college, the phone call I received while waitressing. Shawn was in he emergency room and was eventually taken to Hornell. I remember walking into the hospital that night and him not knowing who I was all because of the wrong medicine. I remember when I was living in Binghamton. I had the day off for a doctor's appointment. I got a call that Shawn was very ill and headed to Sayre hospital. It was serious. Later I found out he could have died because of the wrong medicine. His kidney's had shut down and his muscle exploded. After some dialysis treatments and a long hospital stay he was healed. I so vividly remember the day he started peeing again. Dad and I were at the hospital and he said he had to go to the bathroom. We got him on the comode, Dad holding the urinal in front of him and he started to pee. He peed and peed, filled the urinal and started going on the floor and Dad. We laughed and laughed...so excited because he was peeing!!!!!!

There have been many ups and downs since then. God sent Shawn a wonderful doctor who has helped him immensely. His name is Dr. Williams. He is in Rochester. He has, by far, helped Shawn more than any other doctor he has ever seen. We are so thankful to God for sending him to Shawn.

Throughout the years I have wanted Mom and Dad to find a group home for Shawn. I think he would flourish in one and become more and more independent. I believe he will blossom like the trees and flowers in the Spring. When I have spoken to my Parents regarding this I have been met with resistance. I talked to my Grandma Semple so many times about the situation. She agreed a group home would be wonderful, not just for Shawn but for Mom and Dad as well. Finally, a few weeks ago my Mom told me she had prayed and received signs pushing her towards a group home. She did some checking and found that there was a spot open in a home that 3 of Shawn's workers think is perfect for him. On Tuesday, May 5 I met with Mom, Dad, Uncle Jamie, Grandpa and 2 women regarding this. On Thursday, May 7 Mom, Dad and I went to see the home. As soon as I pulled in the driveway I loved it. There is a garden and 2 covered porches. It is an adorable house with new siding and a new roof. Once I walked in I was greeted with a very homey, nice living room. Hardwood floors, a fireplace, pictures of the gentleman that live there, a fish tank and 2 kittens only added to how nice it was. We toured the home and it is great! 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a computer area, a kitchen and a very nice atmosphere. One of the gentleman that lives there gave us the grand tour. He is talkative and nice. He actually reminds me of Shawn when he is having his good days. The decision was made to forge ahead on this path. Over the next few weeks the paperwork will be processed and approved, Shawn will be participating in visits and if all goes well he will begin a new chapter in his life. I sit here and cry as I am typing this. I cry because I am so excited about the possibilities for him. However, I also cry because of how difficult this is for us as a family and how difficult it might be for Shawn. I cry because I wish my Grandma was here to see this happening and for me to talk with about it. However, I know she is watching from Heaven and cheering us all on.

This brings me to some prayer requests. Please pray for the following:

• Shawn as he learns about this and him easing into this situation.
• My family as we work through him going on his own, especially my Dad who is experiencing a difficult time with this.
• The process and that Shawn will be accepted and this home still being available.

God's hand is on us. He is blessing us beyond measure. He will continue to bless us all. We have come this far "but by God".

This seems like a long post but when speaking about some one's almost 36 years on this earth it really isn't. I wish all of you were so blessed to know Shawn. He is loving, compassionate and a great joy. His smile and laugh is contagious. He really is one of my heroes because he has come through so much experience in life, not always good but he is still happy. He is a blessing! I will continue to update on this situation as well as share more memories.

Edward Hugh Lundgren

This past weekend I attended the memorial service of my Uncle. His name was Eddie. I knew him my entire life.

He was born on August 10, 1968. He went to live with my Grandparents, Hugh and Marie Lundgren when he was 5 weeks old. He was adopted by my Grandparents. Eddie lived his life with cerebral palsy. He enjoyed many things during his all too short, 40 years in this earth. He enjoyed Boxcar Willie, playing the guitar and the harmonica, Nascar and many other things. He enjoyed listening to medical books on the computer and learned a great deal about his disability. He laughed, as others described, from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He was very intelligent. About 6-7 years ago he moved to Williamsport, Pennsylvania to make a life by himself. Up until that point he had lived with my Grandma. He learned the city and got around well thanks to his motorized wheelchair. About 6 months ago he made the decision to move back to Corning. On April 14 he passed away only a few months before his 41st birthday. He had a reunion with the parents that loved him unconditionally even though they were not blood related. Love overcomes blood.

The following excerpt from Hallelujah Square written by Ray Overholt was in the bulletin from Eddie's funeral:

"Now I saw a cripple dragging his feet,
He couldn't walk like we do down the street,
I said, "My friend, I feel sorry for you."
But he said, "Up in heaven I am going to walk just like you."
"I'll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square,
What a wonderful time we'll have up there.
We'll sing and praise Jesus His glory to share
And you will not see one cripple in Hallelujah Sqaure."

Eddie...I hope you are enjoying your new legs and the celebration with the parents you were so close to and missed do much.

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A great reminder for all of us...

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....

Family Support

My mind keeps drifting back to Saturday during the graveside service. My Grandpa was sitting in a chair. I had Grandpa's right shoulder, my Aunt Linda had his left shoulder, Jeanette had his left hand and my Dad had his right hand. Behind Aunt Linda and I stood my Uncle Harold, who had his arms around Aunt Linda and and I. What a beautiful picture of the support my family provides to one another. This is not the first time our family has come together to support one another...it is done all the time. I don't know what I would do without them. I feel bad for people that do not have the kind of family support I have...I am truly blessed by God. He gave me family...not just the ones I am close to in distance but those far away as well. I know there are a few of my family members that read this so to you I say...thank you and I love you!

Grandma Semple

Yesterday we buried my Grandma Semple. It was kind of a mess...the vault company had the wrong time (even after the confirmed the correct time) and did not arrive until 45 minutes after we had the service. We then were able to bury her. Grandpa and Jamie left as we were all going to Jeanette and Ernie's house for lunch. They made it to Corning so we had to call them to come back. All is all it was beautiful. We had roses for Grandma's grave...red from Grandpa and Jamie, white from Dad, Mom and Shawn and peach from Dustin and I. After the vault lid was on and the praying hands and name tag were on. I took one of the peach roses to drop on top. I figured it would be crooked but that thing landed so perfectly. It really was a beautiful picture left in my mind.

Grandpa had a rough day which is to be expected. He made it through so that is what matters. My prayers daily are for healing and strength for him, emotionally and physically.

About a week ago Dustin played a song for me that he had heard on the radio. He said it would be perfect to play at Grandma's burial. It was beautiful and of course made me cry. When Dustin started the Jeep up yesterday to go to Corning the song was playing. It is a beautiful song. Here are the lyrics to Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson:

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

You can also listen to it on YouTube...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k

For the song and video you can go here (there is a commercial prior to the video)...http://www.cmt.com/videos/alan-jackson/355885/sissys-song.jhtml

Beware...if you listen to it you just might cry.