BEWARE putting your pants on can be hazardous!

Yep, I did it good this time. I was pulling on a pair of pants yesterday morning when I had the worst pain I have ever felt go through my back. I fell to the floor unable to breathe or talk due to the severity of the pain. I really thought I was having a heart attack. To make a long story short Dustin took me to the ER. They gave me some muscle relaxers and morphine by IV then took some chest x-rays and sent me home with the diagnosis of back spasms. I was given some strong medications and instructed not to do much of anything. I was pulled out of work for the rest of the week. So here I sit with nothing to do except lay around and get better. I have a doctor's appointment Friday so hopefully I will be back to work on Monday.

The moral of this story...be careful doing even the most common everyday activities...you never know!

Up and Down, Up and Down!

The thing I don't like about emotions is how they always go up and down, up and down. Of course, there are the times when I am neutral as far as emotions. One day I am feeling so low that I don't think I can get any lower but a couple days later something clicks and I am feeling better. The last few weeks have been rough for me. However, today things clicked and I am feeling better. I worked and worked to get our spare bedroom cleaned out to ready it for a child. I got ssssoooo much done! I am very happy with my progress.

I planted 2 rose bushes

Today was the day I have been dreading, my 2 year anniversary. My due date was June 16, 2006.
In remembrance I planted 2 yellow rose bushes. I did not cry as much as I thought I would today but there were tears. I wonder if each year gets a little easier. I wonder if in 10 more years I will still be trying to picture what our baby would look like at 12. Life is not easy but God will shine His light so I get through.

Our list...

Since I love to make lists I thought I would list the things we need to get done to the house before we are ready to welcome children. Here it is:

• Living Room: finish painting, put curtains up, steam clean floor and furniture
• Dining Room: Paint and steam clean carpet
• Mud Room: New light
• Spare Bedroom: Paint, new flooring and clean out
• Nursery/Toddler Room: Clean out
• Other: finish putting windows in, replace some outlets, child proofing

Wow, it does not look like so much when I type it out! Since I have a 4 day weekend I am hoping to finish the living room and get moving on the spare bedroom. I want to start the nursery but I would like to get a crib first.

WE ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!

We had our last MAPP class tonight! I cannot believe it is already over. We are now trained Foster parents but now we need to finish getting our house ready, finish a little paperwork, have our home study and we are ready to go. I am just amazed that we could soon have children in our house! It makes me so happy and emotional!

Letter to My Angel

I know some people would find this very odd but I find it very comforting. It does not matter that it has been almost 2 years since my due date was suppose to be. It does not matter that life has moved on. What matters is that I am a Mom and I need to remember my sweet baby. The following is a letter I recently wrote. I had a hard time deciding if I should put it here but my Angel is part of me and part of my life.

Dear Sweet Angel Baby: May 2008

I cannot believe that had you stayed with me you would be 2 years old! To think you were due on June 16, 2006! Wow, time sure does fly! I know if you were here with me time would have gone faster. I would see you walking, talking and loving your Mommy and Daddy. I miss you little one but I know you are safe in God’s arms. I am sure Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Lundgren are taking wonderful care of you! I am sure they are happy to have one of their great grandchildren with them even if it hurts me to have you there. I know someday I will see you and hold you in my arms.

I am sure many people would find it very odd that I am writing to you! I don’t feel weird doing it. I feel like I am sending you my love the only way I can! Those who have lost a baby, whether it be to a miscarriage, stillbirth or after birth completely understand.

I wonder what color your eyes are…are they blue like Daddy’s or hazel like mine? What about your hair? Blonde like Daddy’s? Brown like Mommies? Are you tall? Or are you on the shorter side. Oh how I wish I could see you in my dreams.

Have you seen how big Augge is? We got him a few months before what was supposed to be your due date. He has gotten huge! I know he would love to play with you in the backyard. I also know he would be very protective of you!

Daddy and I are working on getting a little brother or sister for you! It has been a tough road but we are taking foster care classes. I know you know all this but I want to tell you too! We are hoping to adopt through foster care. Don’t worry sweet one, nobody can ever take your place. You will always be our first child, no matter what! I will never forget you! Your footprints are on my heart and soul forever.

I have been working on the house a little bit. You were with us the first time we looked at the house. Unfortunately you left us the day we made a deal for it. You would have loved living here. The backyard is a good size and all fenced in!

Well, I am going to sign off for now. Remember, Sweetie, I love you more than you could ever know. I don’t worry about you because I know you are safe…I just miss you!

Love your Mommy