My New Blog

This weekend I created a new blog that I wanted to share. It is called I Choose Healthiness. It is about my journey to losing weght and getting healthy. Along with my story I want to share tips, articles, recipes and more. Check it out!

A year in review (2009)

What a year it has been. Most of the memories in my head are things I would rather had not happened. Isn't it funny how your mind sometimes tends to remember the bad parts instead of the good. It is also funny how one bad even can overshadow and make the good memories not so good anymore. Here is highlights from my year...

February 1: My Grandma Semple suddenly passed away at the age of 83, one month and 14 days before her 84 birthday. It was also the Super Bowl...funny, I to this day I cannot remember who won it. My Grandma was one of my best friends. I could tell her anything and she did not judge. Writing that reminds me of the last time I saw her alive...the week before she passed. She seemed so good...I picked on her as usual and she picked back. Sitting here and writing this I can feel the hug I got from her that day.

March: Grandpa had a small stroke. It was so hard to deal with so close to losing Grandma. However, he is doing well, maybe taking things a little slower but he is 81 after all.

June: Shawn moved into a group home in Bath. It was hard for Mom and Dad to get him to the home that night but he quickly settled in. Now he doesn't like to be away for long periods. He is doing amazingly well...Praise the Lord!

June 26: I finished my I finished my 11th complete year of being a Special Education teacher. Where does time go? It seems I only graduated a few years ago but in reality it has been 11.

July 3: I started my 4th summer working in Day Treatment for summer school. It proved to be the best "year" in summer school yet. My best memory from summer school this year was going to Roseland Water Park with my students. They had so much fun and I did too.

June 28: Dustin turned 30. I had a surprise party for him...it was a success and a very nice day.

August 21: The day I found out my husband was having an affair. At first I thought it had only been going on for a few months. Later I was to find out that it had been taking place almost a year. Devastation set in and I didn't know what to do. Eventually he moved out. Towards the end of September we began talking again and got back together soon after. Our relationship has changed so much since August. We are whole again, not broken as we once were. That is not to say our marriage is perfect but it has come a long way. Amazing that I can sit here and say praise the Lord for letting this happen but had it not happened I don't know where we or our marriage would be right now.

October 8: We celebrated our 4th anniversary. For our anniversary we went to Ralph Wilson Stadium to watch the Bills play the Cleveland Browns. I was excited because the Browns had a worse record than the Bills so I thought they would win. Nope, that didn't happen. While it was a terrible game it was a fund day. We had a hotel room that night complete with a jacuzzi in our room. Dinner was Applebee's take out. The next day we stopped to get apples, pumpkins, gourds and did a little shopping at the outlet mall. It was a wonderful weekend, one I hated to see end but a good memory.

November 8: Dustin had a heart attack and a catheterization and stent put in the following day. Who would have thought at the young age of 30 my husband would have a heart attack? Not me or him that is for sure. We also both had the Swine Flu before his heart attack. Mine was accompanied with pneumonia. After his heart attack I had bronchitis and pink eye. The events of November resulted in my only working 6 complete days that month.

Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving was nice although we all missed my Grandma. Mom, Dad, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa spent the day with us.

December 15: This day marked my one year anniversary of my breast reduction. I am still in awe at how much the surgery changed my life and so very happy I had it done!

Christmas: It was a beautiful Christmas this year. Dustin and I spent Christmas Eve at his parents' with Dawna, Alaina and Erik. Christmas morning we opened gifts and had breakfast at our house. We then traveled to Lindley then Bath to spend time with my parents, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa. Our time was cut short because of the weather which I was very disappointed about but I am blessed I was able to spend, even a short time, with my family. I think my most memorable gift this year came from Dustin. It was a stocking, actually from Augge, Zoey, Gucci and Zeke. The tag said "Someone in heaven wanted us to get this for you from her". Obviously the someone was my Grandma. Oh how I missed her Christmas Day. Dustin and I visited her grave because I felt I needed to do that. Grandpa seemed to be doing as well as could be expected and loved the digital frame we got him with pictures and messages in it.

As I was typing this I realized there are more happy memories than I first thought. I am sure I forgot something but I guess I will save that for another time. All in all I am ready to leave 2009 behind and see what 2010 has in store for us. It may bring more sad memories but some of the best memories could be coming in 2010. Wishing you all a Happy 2010 with God, your family and friends at your side.

The last 2 weeks...

have been crazy in the Roach household to say the least. Let me fill you in. I am going to use phrases and dates to make it easier for me to write since so much has gone on.

Sunday, November 1
- 4:00pm went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch part of the Viking-Green Bay game
- Got home around 6:00pm
- 7:00pm Dustin starts to feel sick

Monday, November 2
- Dustin wakes up very ill, he goes to the doctors and finds out he has swine flu

Tuesday, November 3
- Stephanie wakes up achy but goes to work. Within 45 minutes of being there she is sick so she goes to the nurse. The nurse sends her home.
- 11:45 Stephanie goes to the doctor's and is much sicker, can barely move, fever and a lot of breathing difficulties; swine flu and pneumonia

Wednesday, November 4
- Stephanie is so sick she cannot move or talk. She is very achy but cannot catch her breathe even if she only rolls over in bed. Thank God Dustin is feeling a little better because Stephanie is prescribed a nebulizer and someone had to go pick up the medicine. Dustin is also able to meet the man bringing the nebulizer and learn how to use it.

Thursday, November 5
- Dustin returns to work even though he is not 100%.
- Stephanie still very sick.

Friday, November 6
- Dustin works.
- Stephanie is still very sick.

Saturday, November 7
- Dustin is feeling well.
- Stephanie still in bed all day.

Sunday, November 8
- A lazy day watching football. Stephanie is able to get out of bed and do a few chores.
- 10:45pm Stephanie is in bed trying to get some sleep because she needs to go to work the next day. Dustin calls her down and tells her his left side and arm are numb. He also has tingling in his neck and jaw. Stephanie tells him he needs to go to the hospital because it sounds like a heart attack. Dustin refuses.
- 11:15pm Dustin calls Stephanie downstairs again. He says he is having chest pains. Stephanie tries to get him to go to ER, he refuses. They argue and she goes back to bed but can't sleep because she is worried.
- 11:45pm Dustin calls Stephanie back down. He is at the bottom of the stairs on his knees holding his chest. He calls Mike (the Chief at the fire department, a friend and an EMT). Mike tells Dustin he needs to call 911. Dustin gets off the phone and tells Stephanie Mike said he needs to go to the hospital (doesn't mention ambulance even though that is what Stephanie was thinking. She listened to him because he was so nasty. Never again...she will call 911.)
- The ride to the Auburn ER was terrible. Dustin was yelling at Stephanie for how fast she was driving and for stopping at red lights then going through them. Alternating from yelling he is saying he is having a heart attack.

Monday, November 9
- 12:10am We arrived at the hospital. They immediately take Dustin in, hook him up to EKG (one of his fellow firemen was working the EKG machine), put 2 IVs in him and other machines. The give him nitroglycerin and some other pills. His chest pains start to subside.
- 12:30am The ER doctor says Dustin is going to Upstate Hospital in Syracuse because they think he had a heart attack. He will go by ambulance; lights and siren. The plan is for Dustin to have a heart cath as soon as he arrives in Syracuse.
- 12:50am TLC takes Dustin.
- 2:00am Stephanie arrives at Upstate with Dustin's Mom. They are greeted by the doctor called in. He said the EKG and echo-cardiogram doesn't show anything wrong with Dustin's heart so they are not going to do the cath. However, he is being admitted. They believe he might have fluid around his heart from the flu.
- 6:00am The first set of blood work comes back. There is high level of an enzyme that signifies damage to the heart. If it continues to increase a cath will need to be done.
- 8:00am The doctor comes to see Dustin. They decision is made, a cath will be done. They estimate it will be done at 11 or a little after.
- 10:30am Dustin is headed to the cath lab. His second set of blood work comes back with an increase in the enzyme signifying something damaged his heart. They say that is everything is fine the cath should take about 45 minutes. However, if they are going to repair something it will take more like 1 1/2 hours.
- 11:35am Dustin and Stephanie's friend, Jen arrives at the hospital. In her heart Stephanie knows the cath has taken too long and there is something wrong but her head won't believe it.
- 11:50am The doctor comes out. He bluntly states that Dustin had a heart attack last night. Stephanie loses it, hyperventilating and sobbing. The doctor does not have very good bedside manners. He told her she needs to concentrate and listen, not giving her any time to compose herself. Thank God for Jen who helps Stephanie calm down.
- Noon Dustin comes out of the cath, looks drained and just keeps saying "I had a heart attack".
- The rest of the day is fairly uneventful compared to the last 12 hours. Stephanie has to leave at 8pm because of state laws regarding spread of H1N1. At 8:20 she leaves a sobbing mess. Her parents are still there so they go out to dinner. Jen is spending the night with her so she doesn't have to be alone.
- 11:45pm Stephanie finally gets to bed for the first time since Sunday morning.

Tuesday, November 10
- 5:15am Stephanie is up. Jen and Stephanie clean the house and prepare a bed for Dustin.
- 9:00am Stephanie arrives at the hospital.
- 10:15am Dustin is released. On the way home they stop to get his prescriptions and some healthy food.
- 12:15pm Finally home but it was very rough and emotional for Dustin. They both settle in for a nap.

Wednesday, November 11
- Another emotional day. Stephanie is feeling sick again but Dustin is doing well physically.

Thursday, November 12
- Stephanie tries to go to work but goes home because she is so sick. Dustin is doing ok. Keith comes to spend a few hours with him.

Friday, November 13
- Stephanie goes to the doctor. She has bronchitis deep in her lungs and is put on prednisone. Dustin spends part of the day with Keith.
- 9:45pm Stephanie is at Auburn Hospital for her sleep study.

Saturday, November 14
- 5:40am Stephanie returns home from her sleep study (she is told she snores like a truck driver :D )and goes back to bed. She sleeps late, goes and gets groceries then takes a nap. Dustin and Stephanie spend the evening together. Dustin is feeling better physically and emotionally although his emotions come out every once in a while.

Sunday, November 15
- Stephanie continues to feel better. Her parents and brother come for lunch. Dustin goes to hang out with one of his friends.

The last 2 weeks have been insane, especially Dustin's heart attack. Nobody ever would have guessed that he would have one at the age of 30 and appearing to be healthy. We did find out today that his Grandfather does of a heart attack at 40 and his Grandma's brother died of a heart attack at 21.

I am so thankful that God has carried us through the last 2 weeks. We wouldn't have made it through without Him. I am thankful he spared Dustin and is allowing him more time on earth. I am thankful for all my friends and family that rallied around us, prayed for us and helped us through. Cherish each moment you have with your family and friends. Don't take anything for granted. Life is short. Love God and praise Him for all the blessings he has given you!

Why is it so hard?

I had a rough counseling session today. The first session I had a few tears but this session they were more like a flood. I know I need to take care of myself but it is so hard to get there. I asked my counselor why it is so hard. He said it is because of the things that have been ingrained in my head for 33 years. I told him I think I am just plain lazy. He said I don't think you are lazy you are just afraid; afraid of what I could lose and afraid of being successful but at the same time afraid of failing. At that I started laughing. Of course I had to agree with him. I know one day this will all fall into place as long as I keep working and focus on the goal. It is so hard to be patient!

Session 2: Homework

I had my second session of counseling tonight. It went very well. We talked about the things that have happened since my first session and my feelings about them. Then we started in on how I am going to start taking care of my house. This short 45 minute conversation led to a long list of homework for me! I am to work on myself and report back at my next session. I thought my days of getting homework were over but I guess I was wrong! :D

My homework:
1. Start exercising and eating better
2. Start going to church more often
3. Start doing a daily devotional every morning
4. Clean my bedroom
5. Set up my scrapbooking area
6. Work on cleaning the rest of the house

It doesn't seem like a long list but it really is. These are all things I need to do to take care of myself. They are things I, along with the help of M, identified. Stay tuned for how I am doing on these tasks!

Session 1: Hello! My name is Stephanie and I am an enabler and food addict

Did that make your eyes bug out? Imagine my thoughts and the look on my face when I was told this, not in a mean way but in counseling. I went to my first counseling appointment today. I was so nervous! I had sweaty palms, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to be sick. The nerves were not worth it...things went great and I can't wait to go back. I had to give a lot of background during this session. I talked about my past with Dustin, my family and his family. While talking my counselor, whom I will call M, gave me some feedback. His feedback was very interesting. Of course some of the things he said I already knew but it was nice to have it affirmed by someone else. So in a nutshell:

- I am an enabler.
- I feel like I have to be perfect in performance but don't take care of "me" meaning my emotions.
- I am nurturing which is great in my profession but does not work in a marriage such as mine.
- I figure if everyone around me is OK then I have to be OK so I take care of others and ignore myself. I knew this but he reaffirmed this.
- I don't have to be afraid of the future but in order to never again fall into this "trap" I need to begin thinking about and taking care of me.
- It is OK to ask help and I need to but to do so goes completely against the person I am.

There was so much more but that is it in, as I said, a nutshell and I don't want to get into some of it publicly because it is not about me per se. EXCEPT for the food addiction...

At the end of our session he said I have one more question. He said it is the end of our session so I could walk out of there and never come back if you want. Then came the question. What does your weight have to do with the kind of person you are. At first I was like, this guy is saying I am fat. After listening to him I don't think that at all but honestly, at first, I was offended as I am sure many would be. I didn't know the answer but he did. Basically I eat and am "addicted" (I use that word loosely) to food because it is a way to ease my tension, to make myself feel better and to hide my emotions. Interesting and I can't say that he is wrong. Of course he compelled me to go back. Not that I needed compelling because I didn't and would have gone back anyway.

M gave me a chapter from a book to read before our next session. Interesting that he had it sitting out and just had to go copy it. Did he "know" me before he met me?

My next appointment is September 21. I am really looking forward to it.

By the way...I only cried twice...when I talked about my miscarriage and when I talked about my Grandma passing away in February. I told him that I have not been crying that much...only when I am at my breaking point. It seems as if I am blocking my feelings off and keeping them hidden.

**I should add, for those of you who don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He is taking some time to decide if he wants to be married to me.