Mother's Day

My friend, Stacy, shared this on Stepping Stones, the Christian infertility forums I frequent and am a moderator for. It is from an email she received from her niece. It is a fitting poem for me especially on Mother's Day when I remember the baby I lost that the world has forgotten and as I long to hold a little one in my arms someday. To all my Stepping Stones sisters and all the women dealing with IF out there, I salute you. I salute you for your bravery as you go through month after month of disappointments. I salute you for your perseverance to keep pressing on. As my friend, Jess said, Happy Unmother's Day to you! I am thinking about you and praying for you today.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother

To all Moms and soon-to-be Moms...Happy Mother's Day. May you remember what a beautiful and special treasure you have been given from God. Also, hope you get a little pampering today!

Happy Holidays???? Thoughts About Infertility During the Thanksgiving and Christmas Season"

Please read the above blog entry. It goes hand in hand with my previous post regarding infertility and the Holidays.

http://twondra.blogspot.com/2008/11/happy-holidays.html

Infertility and the Holidays

The Holiday Season is slowly (well, maybe not slowly) creeping upon us. I cannot help but think about all the blessed families who are sharing their Holidays with their children. I also cannot think about how I would love to be doing the same. I know there are thousands and thousands of other women who are thinking about the same thing. That brings me to thoughts on infertility and the Holidays. I don’t think people realize how many women around them are affected by infertility. You may not know a person affected by infertility but I am sure there is someone around you at some point holding on to that secret. It may be the woman at the grocery store or it may be the clerk at the post office. One just never knows.

I think everyone needs to become more aware of infertility. The following is just a snippet of information regarding infertility.

Infertility is “a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse or if the woman suffers from multiple miscarriages. Infertility can be male or female related.” (http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_wii_home)

· Affects approximately 10% of the population
· Can be a major life crisis
· It is often experienced as a private matter, and is not ordinarily discussed in public forums
· Infertility depression levels can rival those of cancer

The above information was found at http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_wii_he

The Holiday Season can be a very, very difficult time for women and men suffering from this secret disease. It is often the hardest time of the year, a time when their loss is magnified. Please remember to be sensitive to their needs and emotions.

I urge you to find more information regarding infertility. I also, if you know someone personally dealing with infertility, urge you to find more information on how to support him/her. Here are some articles I have found and believe are worth reading.


Infertility Etiquett By Vita Alligood http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

Infertility Myths and Facts http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_moi

How Can I Help? The Do's And The Dont's Of Support
By Diane Clapp, BSN, RN and Merle Bombardieri, LICSW http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_hcih

For those of you dealing with infertility my heart and prayers go out to you. I am amember of a wonderful community called Stepping Stones. "Stepping Stones is a Christian ministry offering support and information to couples facing infertility challenges or pregnancy loss." I recommend you check it out. You can find Stepping Stones at http://stepforums.bethany.org/

1st Infertility Stamp

I wanted to draw attention to the addition on the right side of my blog. It is thought to be the world's first infertility stamp. It is from Portugal. Here is an excerpt of the article I got the picture from...

"In March, 2008, Portugal's postal authority CTT Correios de Portugal, S.A. may have made postal history when it issued the stamp shown on the left. It is thought that this stamp was the first ever stamp specifically issued to raise awareness of the struggles of infertility. In a March, 2008, article in Linn's Stamp News, the de-facto industry standard for philatelic news, suggests that this is, in fact, the first stamp on this topic.

Infertility is the inability of a couple to conceive a child or, if conceived, the inability to successfully carry the child to delivery. The condition is usually associated with strong emotions such as angst, grief, anger, a sense of incompleteness, and depression. The emotional impact to the affected individual or couple can be devastating."...

"The stamp issued by Portugal is beautifully designed and conveys the hopes of infertile couples with its imagery. The stamp shows a stylized silhouette image of a man and woman embracing a child. The image of the child is almost ghost-like in appearance, symbolizing the hope for the child, yet at the same time highlighting the fragility of conception for infertile couples."

From: Is This the World's First Infertility Postage Stamp? http://www.stampsofdistinction.com/2008/06/is-this-worlds-first-infertility.html

I long for...

Sometimes I long for...

-Seeing a positive pregnancy test
-Seeing my baby's heartbeat on the screen
-Spending money on new clothes because I am getting "so fat" from pregnancy
-Feeling the discomfort of my stomach growing
-Feeling the discomfort of being huge with pregnancy
-A sleepless night because I cannot get comfortable
-Knowing I am in labor and ready to bring my child into the world

Do the women who have these opportunities realize how blessed they are? Do they realize that while they are complaining there are women that would give just about anything to feel the "discomforts" of pregnancy? Do they realize these women who long to be pregnant would welcome all the "discomforts"?

Other times I long for...
-Dirty diapers
-Being woken at night by a crying baby
-Tons of laundry
-Taking forever to get ready to go somewhere because there is a baby and all the stuff to go along with it
-Seeing my baby smile
-Cleaning my babies face after it has gotten food all over
...so many more things.

Again...do the women that complain about the above realize how many women would give almost anything for those things? Do they realize how blessed they are?

Mother's Day

Oh that dreaded day has come and is almost gone for another year. I feel like a mother but I am sure others do not look at me that way. I have a baby. It doesn't matter that my baby died way too early for me to even catch a glimpse of or that my baby is in heaven. I am still a mommy. Of course, there are also the furbabies...they are my kids and I love and adore them!

I have to say it was a nice day. I really enjoyed myself with my Mom. Mom won a petunia at our church because she drove the furthest to attend, 1 1/2 hours. That was quite cool! The sermon was nice. It is just a rough day. I wish it wasn't and I am sure someday it won't be but for now, it is! I long for the day I have a child to celebrate Mother's Day with.

The sermon today was about Hannah. The verses were from I Samuel 1:1-20. Hannah was barren. Eventually God gave her children. Here are a few of the verses.

10 In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11 And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

Obviously, Hannah prayed for a child and she received one. I have, off and on, prayed for a baby but have not done it consistently. I feel like God knows what I want and I don't want to be selfish. Maybe I am wrong in this. Maybe I need to pray for a child.

Updated 45 minutes later...How a few minutes can change someone's feelings. I feel very, very sad right now. I guess that is due to a conversation earlier today that is finally sinking in. I know this feeling will pass I just wish it would pass now instead of later and forever!

A YUCK Day!

Today is one of those days I dread coming. Some of you know about them. The days, that out of the blue for no apparent reason you feel yuck. I mean emotionally. I am not sure how other to describe the day except this way. For some reason every once in a while I have those days when not having a child hits me harder than others. When I actually feel sick to my stomach and my heart hurts. One of those days when I could just sit here and cry. I really hate these kinds of days. Days like this I lean on God harder then usual. I know it is because of Him that I get through the day. I know it is because of Him that I am able to get up some mornings. I know it is because of Him I have the life I have and I am thankful for it and what He has given me. I praise the Lord for His greatness!

Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schaleskz

I am reading the book Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schaleskv. It is a book that has a variety of stories on a variety of topics all dealing with infertility. I highlighted the following section from p. 30...

"As I live through the storm of infertility, the way is dark. But somewhere out there, the rains will cease and the sun will break through. Someday all this will be behind me. And God has promised that he will never leave or forsake me.

Yet in the months to come I know the tears will flow again. I can't suppress them; I can't ignore them. But I can raise my head, look for the rainbow, and remember that every month is another step closer to the light. One more step in a larger journey.

"Blessed be the name of God forever and ever...He changes the times and the seasons...He knows what is in the darkness, and the light dwells with Him. (Daniel 2:20-22 NKJV)."

When I read that section I immediately think of the many comments that hurt so bad. Comments like, get over it, you need to deal with it, etc. If only those people could read this AND understand it!

Infertility Stinks

I just want everyone who does not know that infertility stinks! There are so many precious bundles being born to people who really don't want them or don't take care of them. That hurts when I know Dustin and I would be awesome parents. I have to continue to remind myself...in Your time Lord, In Your Time.