Why is it so hard?

I had a rough counseling session today. The first session I had a few tears but this session they were more like a flood. I know I need to take care of myself but it is so hard to get there. I asked my counselor why it is so hard. He said it is because of the things that have been ingrained in my head for 33 years. I told him I think I am just plain lazy. He said I don't think you are lazy you are just afraid; afraid of what I could lose and afraid of being successful but at the same time afraid of failing. At that I started laughing. Of course I had to agree with him. I know one day this will all fall into place as long as I keep working and focus on the goal. It is so hard to be patient!

Session 2: Homework

I had my second session of counseling tonight. It went very well. We talked about the things that have happened since my first session and my feelings about them. Then we started in on how I am going to start taking care of my house. This short 45 minute conversation led to a long list of homework for me! I am to work on myself and report back at my next session. I thought my days of getting homework were over but I guess I was wrong! :D

My homework:
1. Start exercising and eating better
2. Start going to church more often
3. Start doing a daily devotional every morning
4. Clean my bedroom
5. Set up my scrapbooking area
6. Work on cleaning the rest of the house

It doesn't seem like a long list but it really is. These are all things I need to do to take care of myself. They are things I, along with the help of M, identified. Stay tuned for how I am doing on these tasks!

Session 1: Hello! My name is Stephanie and I am an enabler and food addict

Did that make your eyes bug out? Imagine my thoughts and the look on my face when I was told this, not in a mean way but in counseling. I went to my first counseling appointment today. I was so nervous! I had sweaty palms, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to be sick. The nerves were not worth it...things went great and I can't wait to go back. I had to give a lot of background during this session. I talked about my past with Dustin, my family and his family. While talking my counselor, whom I will call M, gave me some feedback. His feedback was very interesting. Of course some of the things he said I already knew but it was nice to have it affirmed by someone else. So in a nutshell:

- I am an enabler.
- I feel like I have to be perfect in performance but don't take care of "me" meaning my emotions.
- I am nurturing which is great in my profession but does not work in a marriage such as mine.
- I figure if everyone around me is OK then I have to be OK so I take care of others and ignore myself. I knew this but he reaffirmed this.
- I don't have to be afraid of the future but in order to never again fall into this "trap" I need to begin thinking about and taking care of me.
- It is OK to ask help and I need to but to do so goes completely against the person I am.

There was so much more but that is it in, as I said, a nutshell and I don't want to get into some of it publicly because it is not about me per se. EXCEPT for the food addiction...

At the end of our session he said I have one more question. He said it is the end of our session so I could walk out of there and never come back if you want. Then came the question. What does your weight have to do with the kind of person you are. At first I was like, this guy is saying I am fat. After listening to him I don't think that at all but honestly, at first, I was offended as I am sure many would be. I didn't know the answer but he did. Basically I eat and am "addicted" (I use that word loosely) to food because it is a way to ease my tension, to make myself feel better and to hide my emotions. Interesting and I can't say that he is wrong. Of course he compelled me to go back. Not that I needed compelling because I didn't and would have gone back anyway.

M gave me a chapter from a book to read before our next session. Interesting that he had it sitting out and just had to go copy it. Did he "know" me before he met me?

My next appointment is September 21. I am really looking forward to it.

By the way...I only cried twice...when I talked about my miscarriage and when I talked about my Grandma passing away in February. I told him that I have not been crying that much...only when I am at my breaking point. It seems as if I am blocking my feelings off and keeping them hidden.

**I should add, for those of you who don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He is taking some time to decide if he wants to be married to me.