The day before

24 hours from now I should be 1 hour and 15 minutes into my surgery. I cannot believe time has gone by so fast. Yesterday I was thinking about just how fast it was gone. Just 5 months ago I was laying on the couch, taking vicodin recovering from my back surgery. Now I am preparing for a surgery that will hopefully change my life. To be honest this was not an easy decision for me to make. Of course I wanted to have it done but there are so many thoughts I have had through this journey...Many people will not understand because it truly is a "big breast thing".

I have feelings about my big breasts...
My breasts have always been something not many people had so they made me feel special in some sort of weird way. When I felt fat and ugly there were the boobs...the one thing about me that was attractive to the opposite sex. At the same time I am so sick of back aches and neck pain. Along with the neck pain comes headaches. I love to garden...do you know how hard it is to do this when you can only work in the flowers for a half an hour at a time and when you do it you can barely walk because your back hurts so bad? I am also sick of not being able to wear what I want, no button up shirts, dresses that fit right on top but not on bottom or vice versa. I am sick of my shoulders hurting from my bra cutting into them. I am sick of my breasts getting in the way all the time. I am sick of not being able to find a sports bra to work out in. I am sick of spending so much money on bras. I am sick of not being able to find a pretty bra but instead a bra that is a basic color with 4-5 hooks in the back. I am sick of not being able to wear a cute little bra and panty set because they don't make them with my size bra. I am sick of people (not just men) looking at me and seeing my breasts instead of me. I am sick of them.

Along with these thoughts come worries of what is to come...
Will I be happy with smaller breasts. Of course I am going to love the perkiness that comes with a reduction but what if I don't like my new breasts? What if Dustin hates my new breasts? What then, you just can't have them put back in. What if my back and neck pain does not get a lot better? (Although from everything I have heard and read it will get better immediately) Will I think I am too small? Will I get depressed as many women do?

Along with these thoughts come the thoughts that I am so excited about...
I will be able to buy a sports bra. Maybe I will finally be able to run...yeah, I have asthma but that can be controlled as long as I don't have to run holding my breasts. Maybe I will finally feel comfortable working out. Maybe I can finally lose this weight that I have wanted to lose so long? I will finally be able to buy bras and panty sets. I will finally be able to wear button up shirts without a cami underneath. I will not be embarassed about sagging, huge breasts. I won't put a bra on as soon as I get up and take it off right before I go to bed because I am embarassed. I will have a new big breast free life.

All in all, I am so excited about tomorrow. I wish it was over but soon enough it will be. I cannot wait to complete my recovery and be the new me.