Has it really been three years?

I have not posted about the anniversary of one of the most sad times of my entire life. Why? I am not sure. Maybe I was, in a way, trying to forget it. Maybe I did not want to post it for anyone in the world to see. Whatever my subconscious reasons are, I have decided to post about it.

Three years ago on Monday, October 27 I underwent emergency surgery a short 10 days after we found out I was pregnant. I had surgery because of a suspected ectopic pregnancy. The surgery resulted in the loss of a tube. Needless to say, I was devastated. As I laid in bed on Sunday night I was brought back to the night before my surgery. Dustin and his Mom took me to the hospital at 8:30 PM. This was after I had gone to the doctor's earlier that day because I was cramping and bleeding. The prognosis of the doctor's visit and ultrasound was not good. Anyway, back the that night. Around 2AM after another ultrasound I was put into an unused part of the ER so I could get some sleep before my doctor came in at 6:30 to talk to me and perform surgery. I really believe this is the worst night I have ever spent. I did not sleep a wink. The entire night it was all I could do to keep from screaming because of the emotional pain I was feeling. My mind was racing. I thought, maybe I would not have the surgery, maybe the baby is still ok, maybe it is not an ectopic pregnancy. I knew what needed to be done but it was the most difficult decision I have ever made. In a sense I felt like I was killing my baby by making the decision to have the surgery. Of course, deep down, I knew I had to make the decision I made but try telling that to a woman that is going through what I went through.

Obviously, the recovery was very difficult. I remember the feeling of devastation. I remember sitting in a chair handing out candy 4 nights later and not wanting to be there. I remember the sleepless nights. I remember the physical and emotional pain. I remember thinking, maybe my baby is not really gone and I am still pregnant. I remember going back to work 8 days later to hear stupid comments like "at least you weren't that far along" or "it is not like it was a baby". I remember the urge to scream and scream. I remember the urge to run away from everyone and everything that I knew and was familiar with. I also remember the love shown to me by my friends and family. I remember the beautiful clouds I saw a few days later. I remember sitting outside at night looking at the stars picking out my baby's star as my Mom showed me to do after my Grandpa had passed away. (To this day, I do that) I remember knowing I was going to be ok I just did not know when. I remember the Ship Story Salina told me (that still helps me in some situations). I remember that the night before Halloween that year, Dustin made me carve pumpkins. I remember how happy that made me. I remember the good and the horrible.

Although it is one of the worst times of my life, it lead to a wonderful thing, my return to God. The One who never forgot me but the One I nearly forgot. I have leaned on Him so many times since then. I am so thankful I found my way back even if it was because of what I consider a tragedy.

The pain comes each year but each year it is feels a little better. I will never forget my first baby. The comfort of knowing my baby is in Heaven with his/her Great Grandma and Great Grandpa and, of course, God is a comfort to me.

I will leave you with 2 poems I wrote shortly after my miscarriage (yes, it was a miscarriage and not an ectopic pregnancy, I found out a few months later).

Bright, Shining Star
Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much you are loved,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I miss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know the plans I had
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I want to hold, touch, and kiss you,
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
Do you know how much I wanted to get to know you
Though you were here such a short time?

Bright, shining star,
Showing down from Heaven,
You are my first child and always will be
Though you were here such a short time!

Untitled Poem
Nausea
Sadness
Heart-break
Hurt
Pain
Loss
Fear
Weakness
Empty arms
Empty womb
Empty heart
From this, someday springs…
Hope