A year in review (2009)

What a year it has been. Most of the memories in my head are things I would rather had not happened. Isn't it funny how your mind sometimes tends to remember the bad parts instead of the good. It is also funny how one bad even can overshadow and make the good memories not so good anymore. Here is highlights from my year...

February 1: My Grandma Semple suddenly passed away at the age of 83, one month and 14 days before her 84 birthday. It was also the Super Bowl...funny, I to this day I cannot remember who won it. My Grandma was one of my best friends. I could tell her anything and she did not judge. Writing that reminds me of the last time I saw her alive...the week before she passed. She seemed so good...I picked on her as usual and she picked back. Sitting here and writing this I can feel the hug I got from her that day.

March: Grandpa had a small stroke. It was so hard to deal with so close to losing Grandma. However, he is doing well, maybe taking things a little slower but he is 81 after all.

June: Shawn moved into a group home in Bath. It was hard for Mom and Dad to get him to the home that night but he quickly settled in. Now he doesn't like to be away for long periods. He is doing amazingly well...Praise the Lord!

June 26: I finished my I finished my 11th complete year of being a Special Education teacher. Where does time go? It seems I only graduated a few years ago but in reality it has been 11.

July 3: I started my 4th summer working in Day Treatment for summer school. It proved to be the best "year" in summer school yet. My best memory from summer school this year was going to Roseland Water Park with my students. They had so much fun and I did too.

June 28: Dustin turned 30. I had a surprise party for him...it was a success and a very nice day.

August 21: The day I found out my husband was having an affair. At first I thought it had only been going on for a few months. Later I was to find out that it had been taking place almost a year. Devastation set in and I didn't know what to do. Eventually he moved out. Towards the end of September we began talking again and got back together soon after. Our relationship has changed so much since August. We are whole again, not broken as we once were. That is not to say our marriage is perfect but it has come a long way. Amazing that I can sit here and say praise the Lord for letting this happen but had it not happened I don't know where we or our marriage would be right now.

October 8: We celebrated our 4th anniversary. For our anniversary we went to Ralph Wilson Stadium to watch the Bills play the Cleveland Browns. I was excited because the Browns had a worse record than the Bills so I thought they would win. Nope, that didn't happen. While it was a terrible game it was a fund day. We had a hotel room that night complete with a jacuzzi in our room. Dinner was Applebee's take out. The next day we stopped to get apples, pumpkins, gourds and did a little shopping at the outlet mall. It was a wonderful weekend, one I hated to see end but a good memory.

November 8: Dustin had a heart attack and a catheterization and stent put in the following day. Who would have thought at the young age of 30 my husband would have a heart attack? Not me or him that is for sure. We also both had the Swine Flu before his heart attack. Mine was accompanied with pneumonia. After his heart attack I had bronchitis and pink eye. The events of November resulted in my only working 6 complete days that month.

Thanksgiving: Thanksgiving was nice although we all missed my Grandma. Mom, Dad, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa spent the day with us.

December 15: This day marked my one year anniversary of my breast reduction. I am still in awe at how much the surgery changed my life and so very happy I had it done!

Christmas: It was a beautiful Christmas this year. Dustin and I spent Christmas Eve at his parents' with Dawna, Alaina and Erik. Christmas morning we opened gifts and had breakfast at our house. We then traveled to Lindley then Bath to spend time with my parents, Shawn, Uncle Jamie and Grandpa. Our time was cut short because of the weather which I was very disappointed about but I am blessed I was able to spend, even a short time, with my family. I think my most memorable gift this year came from Dustin. It was a stocking, actually from Augge, Zoey, Gucci and Zeke. The tag said "Someone in heaven wanted us to get this for you from her". Obviously the someone was my Grandma. Oh how I missed her Christmas Day. Dustin and I visited her grave because I felt I needed to do that. Grandpa seemed to be doing as well as could be expected and loved the digital frame we got him with pictures and messages in it.

As I was typing this I realized there are more happy memories than I first thought. I am sure I forgot something but I guess I will save that for another time. All in all I am ready to leave 2009 behind and see what 2010 has in store for us. It may bring more sad memories but some of the best memories could be coming in 2010. Wishing you all a Happy 2010 with God, your family and friends at your side.

The last 2 weeks...

have been crazy in the Roach household to say the least. Let me fill you in. I am going to use phrases and dates to make it easier for me to write since so much has gone on.

Sunday, November 1
- 4:00pm went to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch part of the Viking-Green Bay game
- Got home around 6:00pm
- 7:00pm Dustin starts to feel sick

Monday, November 2
- Dustin wakes up very ill, he goes to the doctors and finds out he has swine flu

Tuesday, November 3
- Stephanie wakes up achy but goes to work. Within 45 minutes of being there she is sick so she goes to the nurse. The nurse sends her home.
- 11:45 Stephanie goes to the doctor's and is much sicker, can barely move, fever and a lot of breathing difficulties; swine flu and pneumonia

Wednesday, November 4
- Stephanie is so sick she cannot move or talk. She is very achy but cannot catch her breathe even if she only rolls over in bed. Thank God Dustin is feeling a little better because Stephanie is prescribed a nebulizer and someone had to go pick up the medicine. Dustin is also able to meet the man bringing the nebulizer and learn how to use it.

Thursday, November 5
- Dustin returns to work even though he is not 100%.
- Stephanie still very sick.

Friday, November 6
- Dustin works.
- Stephanie is still very sick.

Saturday, November 7
- Dustin is feeling well.
- Stephanie still in bed all day.

Sunday, November 8
- A lazy day watching football. Stephanie is able to get out of bed and do a few chores.
- 10:45pm Stephanie is in bed trying to get some sleep because she needs to go to work the next day. Dustin calls her down and tells her his left side and arm are numb. He also has tingling in his neck and jaw. Stephanie tells him he needs to go to the hospital because it sounds like a heart attack. Dustin refuses.
- 11:15pm Dustin calls Stephanie downstairs again. He says he is having chest pains. Stephanie tries to get him to go to ER, he refuses. They argue and she goes back to bed but can't sleep because she is worried.
- 11:45pm Dustin calls Stephanie back down. He is at the bottom of the stairs on his knees holding his chest. He calls Mike (the Chief at the fire department, a friend and an EMT). Mike tells Dustin he needs to call 911. Dustin gets off the phone and tells Stephanie Mike said he needs to go to the hospital (doesn't mention ambulance even though that is what Stephanie was thinking. She listened to him because he was so nasty. Never again...she will call 911.)
- The ride to the Auburn ER was terrible. Dustin was yelling at Stephanie for how fast she was driving and for stopping at red lights then going through them. Alternating from yelling he is saying he is having a heart attack.

Monday, November 9
- 12:10am We arrived at the hospital. They immediately take Dustin in, hook him up to EKG (one of his fellow firemen was working the EKG machine), put 2 IVs in him and other machines. The give him nitroglycerin and some other pills. His chest pains start to subside.
- 12:30am The ER doctor says Dustin is going to Upstate Hospital in Syracuse because they think he had a heart attack. He will go by ambulance; lights and siren. The plan is for Dustin to have a heart cath as soon as he arrives in Syracuse.
- 12:50am TLC takes Dustin.
- 2:00am Stephanie arrives at Upstate with Dustin's Mom. They are greeted by the doctor called in. He said the EKG and echo-cardiogram doesn't show anything wrong with Dustin's heart so they are not going to do the cath. However, he is being admitted. They believe he might have fluid around his heart from the flu.
- 6:00am The first set of blood work comes back. There is high level of an enzyme that signifies damage to the heart. If it continues to increase a cath will need to be done.
- 8:00am The doctor comes to see Dustin. They decision is made, a cath will be done. They estimate it will be done at 11 or a little after.
- 10:30am Dustin is headed to the cath lab. His second set of blood work comes back with an increase in the enzyme signifying something damaged his heart. They say that is everything is fine the cath should take about 45 minutes. However, if they are going to repair something it will take more like 1 1/2 hours.
- 11:35am Dustin and Stephanie's friend, Jen arrives at the hospital. In her heart Stephanie knows the cath has taken too long and there is something wrong but her head won't believe it.
- 11:50am The doctor comes out. He bluntly states that Dustin had a heart attack last night. Stephanie loses it, hyperventilating and sobbing. The doctor does not have very good bedside manners. He told her she needs to concentrate and listen, not giving her any time to compose herself. Thank God for Jen who helps Stephanie calm down.
- Noon Dustin comes out of the cath, looks drained and just keeps saying "I had a heart attack".
- The rest of the day is fairly uneventful compared to the last 12 hours. Stephanie has to leave at 8pm because of state laws regarding spread of H1N1. At 8:20 she leaves a sobbing mess. Her parents are still there so they go out to dinner. Jen is spending the night with her so she doesn't have to be alone.
- 11:45pm Stephanie finally gets to bed for the first time since Sunday morning.

Tuesday, November 10
- 5:15am Stephanie is up. Jen and Stephanie clean the house and prepare a bed for Dustin.
- 9:00am Stephanie arrives at the hospital.
- 10:15am Dustin is released. On the way home they stop to get his prescriptions and some healthy food.
- 12:15pm Finally home but it was very rough and emotional for Dustin. They both settle in for a nap.

Wednesday, November 11
- Another emotional day. Stephanie is feeling sick again but Dustin is doing well physically.

Thursday, November 12
- Stephanie tries to go to work but goes home because she is so sick. Dustin is doing ok. Keith comes to spend a few hours with him.

Friday, November 13
- Stephanie goes to the doctor. She has bronchitis deep in her lungs and is put on prednisone. Dustin spends part of the day with Keith.
- 9:45pm Stephanie is at Auburn Hospital for her sleep study.

Saturday, November 14
- 5:40am Stephanie returns home from her sleep study (she is told she snores like a truck driver :D )and goes back to bed. She sleeps late, goes and gets groceries then takes a nap. Dustin and Stephanie spend the evening together. Dustin is feeling better physically and emotionally although his emotions come out every once in a while.

Sunday, November 15
- Stephanie continues to feel better. Her parents and brother come for lunch. Dustin goes to hang out with one of his friends.

The last 2 weeks have been insane, especially Dustin's heart attack. Nobody ever would have guessed that he would have one at the age of 30 and appearing to be healthy. We did find out today that his Grandfather does of a heart attack at 40 and his Grandma's brother died of a heart attack at 21.

I am so thankful that God has carried us through the last 2 weeks. We wouldn't have made it through without Him. I am thankful he spared Dustin and is allowing him more time on earth. I am thankful for all my friends and family that rallied around us, prayed for us and helped us through. Cherish each moment you have with your family and friends. Don't take anything for granted. Life is short. Love God and praise Him for all the blessings he has given you!

Why is it so hard?

I had a rough counseling session today. The first session I had a few tears but this session they were more like a flood. I know I need to take care of myself but it is so hard to get there. I asked my counselor why it is so hard. He said it is because of the things that have been ingrained in my head for 33 years. I told him I think I am just plain lazy. He said I don't think you are lazy you are just afraid; afraid of what I could lose and afraid of being successful but at the same time afraid of failing. At that I started laughing. Of course I had to agree with him. I know one day this will all fall into place as long as I keep working and focus on the goal. It is so hard to be patient!

Session 2: Homework

I had my second session of counseling tonight. It went very well. We talked about the things that have happened since my first session and my feelings about them. Then we started in on how I am going to start taking care of my house. This short 45 minute conversation led to a long list of homework for me! I am to work on myself and report back at my next session. I thought my days of getting homework were over but I guess I was wrong! :D

My homework:
1. Start exercising and eating better
2. Start going to church more often
3. Start doing a daily devotional every morning
4. Clean my bedroom
5. Set up my scrapbooking area
6. Work on cleaning the rest of the house

It doesn't seem like a long list but it really is. These are all things I need to do to take care of myself. They are things I, along with the help of M, identified. Stay tuned for how I am doing on these tasks!

Session 1: Hello! My name is Stephanie and I am an enabler and food addict

Did that make your eyes bug out? Imagine my thoughts and the look on my face when I was told this, not in a mean way but in counseling. I went to my first counseling appointment today. I was so nervous! I had sweaty palms, my heart was racing and I thought I was going to be sick. The nerves were not worth it...things went great and I can't wait to go back. I had to give a lot of background during this session. I talked about my past with Dustin, my family and his family. While talking my counselor, whom I will call M, gave me some feedback. His feedback was very interesting. Of course some of the things he said I already knew but it was nice to have it affirmed by someone else. So in a nutshell:

- I am an enabler.
- I feel like I have to be perfect in performance but don't take care of "me" meaning my emotions.
- I am nurturing which is great in my profession but does not work in a marriage such as mine.
- I figure if everyone around me is OK then I have to be OK so I take care of others and ignore myself. I knew this but he reaffirmed this.
- I don't have to be afraid of the future but in order to never again fall into this "trap" I need to begin thinking about and taking care of me.
- It is OK to ask help and I need to but to do so goes completely against the person I am.

There was so much more but that is it in, as I said, a nutshell and I don't want to get into some of it publicly because it is not about me per se. EXCEPT for the food addiction...

At the end of our session he said I have one more question. He said it is the end of our session so I could walk out of there and never come back if you want. Then came the question. What does your weight have to do with the kind of person you are. At first I was like, this guy is saying I am fat. After listening to him I don't think that at all but honestly, at first, I was offended as I am sure many would be. I didn't know the answer but he did. Basically I eat and am "addicted" (I use that word loosely) to food because it is a way to ease my tension, to make myself feel better and to hide my emotions. Interesting and I can't say that he is wrong. Of course he compelled me to go back. Not that I needed compelling because I didn't and would have gone back anyway.

M gave me a chapter from a book to read before our next session. Interesting that he had it sitting out and just had to go copy it. Did he "know" me before he met me?

My next appointment is September 21. I am really looking forward to it.

By the way...I only cried twice...when I talked about my miscarriage and when I talked about my Grandma passing away in February. I told him that I have not been crying that much...only when I am at my breaking point. It seems as if I am blocking my feelings off and keeping them hidden.

**I should add, for those of you who don't know, I am currently separated from my husband. He is taking some time to decide if he wants to be married to me.

Where do I go from here?

The last 10 days I have dealt with a betrayal that has shaken me to my core, a betrayal I thought I would never feel. A betrayal that brought more pain to me than I ever thought was possible. A betrayal that has put many questions into my mind. The biggest question being...where do I go from here? I can choose to let this pain make me bitter or I can choose to grow from it. I choose to grow. It is certainly not an easy task but one that I can do with God by my side.

Pain is not the only thing I have felt the last 10 days. I have felt the security of friends and family. I have felt support and love from so many. Many, many more than I thought was possible. God certainly knows what I have needed and He has provided. Often over the last 10 days have I need comforted knowing God was with me along with all the others. The poem Footprints in the Sand has come to mind more times than I could even count.

Footprints
One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

~ Mary Stevenson

A reminder to us all that God is with us...no matter the time, no matter the place, no matter the circumstances.

Hebrews 13:5 . . . God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

Mickey Mantle

Mickey Mantle is a name I learned from my Mom, an avid Yankees fan. When she was a young girl her Dad would take her to Yankees games where she saw Mickey Mantle play.

Who was Mickey Mantle? He...

- lived from October 20, 1931 – August 13, 1995
- died on August 13, 1995 at the age of 64 from liver cancer
- was inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame in 1974
- played his entire 18 years of major league baseball for the New York Yankees
- played in 12 World Series games
- longest official home run: 565 feet
- Most World Series Home Runs: 18
- Most World Series RBIs: 40
- Most World Series Runs Scored: 42
- Most World Series Total Bases: 123
- Most World Series Walks: 43
- Most World Series Strikeouts: 54
- Most At-Bats for the Yankees: 8,102
- Most Games Played for the Yankees: 2,401
- Debuted for the Yankees on April 17, 1951 and played his last game on September 9, 1965
- In 1956 when he won the Triple Crown, Male Athlete of the Year award, the American League MVP award by a unanimous vote and the Player of the Year award
- it is said he was an alcoholic

What is often not heard about Mickey Mantle is that before his death he became a born-again Christian because of the ministering from Bobby Richardson. When he was asked what reason he would give God to let him into heaven his reply was John 3:16..."For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

As I was driving to work Thursday, the anniversary of Mickey Mantle's death, I heard about his Change on FLN. Tears filled my eyes and goosebumps plastered my body. How amazing that someday I will meet Mickey Mantle in heaven. How amazing (in a sad way) is it that he becoming a Christian is not more widely publicized.

While I was researching this I found an article written by David R. Currie after Mickey Mantle passed away. The title? Mickey Mantle's Greatest Homer (http://www.txbc.org/1995Journals/October%201995/Oct95MickeyMantle.htm). Here it is in its entirety:

MICKEY MANTLE’S GREATEST HOMER
by David R. Currie,
Coordinator

NBC sportscaster Bob Costas had the privilege of delivering the eulogy at the funeral of Mickey Mantle. Shortly into his eulogy, he said,

“I guess I’m here, not so much to speak for myself as to simply represent the millions of baseball-loving kids who grew up in the ’50s and ’60s and for whom Mickey Mantle was baseball.

“And more than that, he was a presence in our lives — a fragile hero to whom we had an emotional attachment so strong and lasting that it defied logic.”

He certainly represented me. It may not be logical but I saw Mickey Mantle play one time. We went to the All-Star game in Houston in 1968, his last year. Tom Seaver struck him out. I was three rows from the top of the Astrodome. I joined the standing ovation. I cried. I saw Mickey Mantle bat.

Two Christmas’s ago, my wonderful niece Kim and her husband Steve gave me a plaque with an 8x10 picture of Mickey Mantle, a baseball card, and the inscription “Mickey Mantle, 536 lifetime homers.” When I opened the gift, I started crying. It has hung in my office since that day.

When Mickey Mantle died, I cried off and on for two days. There is not a logical explanation, and I do not care to have one if there is. As far back as I can remember (I was born in 1952), Mickey Mantle was a daily part of my life until he retired in 1968. I loved the Yankees. My sister and Uncle Willard loved the Dodgers. That made us mortal enemies nearly every October. Show her videos today of Roy Campenella, Duke Snider, Gil Hodges, and Pee Wee Reese and you can watch an otherwise sensible 48 year old woman cry. It probably has something to do with our Daddy and his love for baseball.

Mickey Mantle remained my hero through the years (even after I thought it was wrong to have heroes unless they were your parents, teachers, preachers, etc.), despite the stories I heard of his life-style. I can tolerate people’s struggles. It is self-righteous pharisees that bug me. I did transfer a strong allegiance to Bobby Murcer with the Yankees, and still recall standing and cheering on my seat in Ranger stadium when he homered in the early ’70s. And I still have the newspaper clipping of the night game he played on the day he spoke at Thurman Munsan’s funeral. The Yankees won 5-4. Murcer drove in 5 runs!

I think it is silly to collect autographs. Saying that, I have a baseball signed by Mickey Mantle, and another signed by Bobby Murcer. Ross Perot does not have enough money to purchase those from me!

If you did not see Mickey Mantle’s funeral on TV, let me tell you when I really cried. Bobby Richardson, former Yankee second baseman, and teammate of Mickey Mantle, preached the message. In several of Mantle’s books he wrote of Richardson’s Christian commitment and his admiration of him.

Bobby Richardson told of Oct. 2, 1966, when he invited a speaker for the Yankee chapel. (I did chapel services for the Rangers and Tigers one time. Sparky Anderson listened well.)

Bobby said the speaker told the Yankees that they all had a problem that the Bible described as sin. And the Bible also gave the answer, Jesus Christ. Finally he said the Bible demanded a decision regarding what every person is going to do with Jesus.

Then he said there were three possible answers: yes, no, and maybe. And maybe, because of the X factor of death, really was a no answer.

Bobby Richardson told that funeral crowd of Governors, actors and baseball Hall of Famers, that every one of them needed to answer the question of “what they had done with Jesus Christ, who wanted to be their personal Lord and Savior.”

Then he spoke about Mickey Mantle. He told of praying with Mickey over the phone. And finally he told the crowd about when Mickey told him he had accepted Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. And when Richardson’s wife asked Mickey what reason he would give God to let him in Heaven, Mickey quickly quoted John 3:16.

To say I cried would be an understatement! I cried tears of joy. Mickey Mantle is with my Daddy, and Uncle Floy, and Uncle Willard, and so many people I care about. And someday, although I never met Mickey Mantle on earth, I will meet him. What a glorious day that will be. I expect my Dad to introduce us!

Mickey Mantle hit 536 home runs. He batted in 1,509 runs. He hit 18 World Series home runs, a record that will never be broken (trust me on that). But the most important thing he ever did was accept Jesus Christ as his personal Lord and Savior. That was his “greatest homer.”

And it should challenge us to think about our loved ones and friends who may not know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior, and tell them the Good News. That would be Mickey’s greatest legacy, that those of us who loved him made sure others we loved, came to know Jesus.

We should also honor him by being an organ donor. Christians should be the first to sign up to share our gifts with others.

I leave you with a few questions. These I also ask of myself.

- Am I ministering to others in order to bring them to Faith in God?
- Does my life show each day that I am a Christian? Am I a shining light for God?
- Do I pray and submerse myself in the Bible so my walk with God becomes greater and greater? Also so that I may readily share my Faith with others?

I wish I could answer a 100% yes to those questions but I can't. I need to strive to be a better follower of God, a better teller of the truth. Where are you in your walk with God? What changes do you need to make?



Websites used/mentioned:
http://www.mickey-mantle.com/
http://www.fln.org/
http://www.txbc.org/1995Journals/October%201995/Oct95MickeyMantle.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Mantle

Tomorrow is the big day!

Shawn will be moving tomorrow. Please keep him as well as all of us in your prayers. Thanks!

Women of Faith Conference: A Grand New Day Part 1-Getting There

About 6 months ago I heard about the WOF conference in Rochester on FLN. I emailed my Mom and asked her if she wanted to go. Of course she said yes. We purchased tickets through FLN so we could take a bus. Our hotel was included as were some meals. I didn't realize how wonderful this conference would be. I didn't realize how much it would touch my heart. While there was a lot to take in and my memory cannot hold it all I know my heart soaked it up. Over the next few days and weeks I will be blogging about my experience at the WOF conference.

As many know I don't like to rush around in the morning. I prefer to have a few extra minutes to sit down, have some coffee and "play" on the computer. I got up bright and early on Friday morning (3:55 am) to get ready to leave at 5 because I had to drive the 1 1/2 hours to Painted Post to meet the bus. Yes, I drove 1 1/2 hours to get on a bus for another 1 1/2 hours for a trip that would have taken me 45 - 60 minutes to make from home. I did it so I didn't have to drive in the Rochester traffic but more so to spend additional time with my Mom. I left the house at 4:55 feeling good about leaving early enough and having time for a cup of coffee. I had intentions to stop and get McDonald's for breakfast and to go to the bathroom so I would not have to go on the bus. Well, the best laid plans often go awry. As I was driving down 414 right after Lodi I encountered a problem, a potentially big problem. God had me in His hands and protected me though. Cruising along (but not going much over the speed limit as I sometimes tend to do) all of a sudden 2 deer popped out. I slammed on the breaks (everything in the car went flying), squealed my tires and watched as the first deer stopped then tried hard to get her footing to get out of my way. It was then I heard that sick thump. Thankfully, it was not a loud thump but a softer one. Yep, I hit the deer. My first thought was "Great, here I have this 2 days planned and now it is messed up." The deer ran off. I am quite sure I did not hit it hard enough to kill it which I am very thankful for. I pulled over, grabbed my cell phone and got out of the Jeep. Walking to the front of the Jeep expecting the worst I dialed Dustin. Of course he was still sleeping so didn't answer. I looked at my Jeep and saw that I had broken the left turn signal cover (but not the bulb) and broken a piece of plastic off my bumper (had it been metal probably nothing would have happened). I called my Dad. He said to call 911 so I did. The woman was so nice and said she would send someone. That is when I really felt crestfallen. Great, State Troopers are always busy. I just knew they were going to take forever and I was not going to make the bus. I then remembered the fire siren that was going off a few miles before in Ovid...another sunken heart...everyone would be at whatever that was. Dad went to tell Mom I might be late. I told her not to hold the bus I would just drive up. I sat there for what seemed like forever but was actually only about 10 minutes. I was on the verge of tears because I thought for sure my plans were ruined. Oh ye of little faith! After about 15 minutes I saw lights in my rear view mirror. The State Trooper was there!!! It didn't take forever. While I was sitting there I looked for my registration and insurance card. My heart feel once again when I realized I did not have a current card. Great, a ticket too. The State Trooper was so nice. He took my information (told me not to worry about an insurance card because when he ran my information it would show if I had insurance) and went back to his car. A few minutes later he came back with my accident report. I thanked him profusely telling him I was meeting a bus. Of course he made a joke about how far out of the way I was going. I told him I was meeting and spending the weekend with my Mom. I thought were were done when he pulled out a black book and said "one more thing, I have to give you a ticket for killing a deer" (I had mentioned earlier I was more worried about the deer than my Jeep because I love animals.). I immediately started laughing and said "I didn't kill it!!" He said, "ok, a ticket for assault then." We laughed and he told me to have a nice day. What a nice gentleman he was. I looked at the clock. It was nearing 6:30. I knew that I need to get moving in order to catch the bus. Then it hit me...I absolutely had to go to the bathroom. If anyone has ever traveled 414 between Ovid and Watkins Glen you know bathrooms are limited at 6:15 in the morning. Thankfully I made it to Walmart and made a quick trip. My Mom had called me on a cell phone of someone we know so I returned the call to let them know where I was. A little while later at 7:03 I pulled in to meet the bus. Thank you, Lord! Why hadn't I trusted you? Again, oh ye of little faith! I boarded the bus and a few hours later we were in Rochester being dropped off at the Blue Cross Arena.

Stay tuned for part 2!



Not bad at all but probably expensive since we have to replace the entire bumper!

My Flowers

As many of you know I planting and taking care of my flowers. I take great pride in them. Here are some pics I have taken of my first blooms. I wish you all could come see them in person as they are so much more beautiful!

My Clematis:


My bucket: The orange flowers open when it is sunny out. The centers are purple.


Dustin, our fisherman, Cranesbill Geranium and Hostas


Pom Pom Flower (Alum)


Columbine


Tiki Torch Coneflower (are much more orange in person)


Iris

Why?

Over the last 5 months I have asked God why so many times.

• Why did you take my Grandma away from us?


• Why did you give my Grandpa health problems?


• Why did you take Eddie from us?


• Why did you let Shawn be born with mental retardation?


• Why are you making Shawn (and us) deal with these episodes?


• Why did you take a baby from me that was so wanted but give so many to others?


• Why did you give us these hardships that seem to come all at one time?


• Why don't you bless us beyond measure when we are serving You?


• Why did you make Shawn so sick that he ended up in the hospital?

The list could go on and on but I won't bore you with it. I use to think that when I was asking why I somehow was not showing faith in God. I was somehow faltering in my walk with Him. May 21 was the anniversary of Steven Curtis Chapman's daughter's, Maria, death. Focus on the Family was replaying the last day of a 3 day interview with Steven. Him and his family were talking about the accident on Larry King Live. Larry said that people have said they have a "family of great faith so that means they don't have questions" about what happened. Caleb (Steven's son) answered to this. Caleb said that immediately after the accident he screamed why repeatedly. Then he said "the very fact that I immediately, when this happened, said God why, that I have been calling out to God confirms to me that God is the one who I turn to even to ask questions. That God is faithful, theat he can handle those questions."

This made me really think. We are not superhuman. We question things that happen. It is part of our human nature. The important part is who we turn to. Do we turn to God or turn to other things that make us feel better for a little while? Do we rely on God or do we rely on the things of the world when faced with a challenge, when we are asking why. I turn to God but I know I don't let my "whys" rest in Him. Instead I pick them back up and carry them around like 5,000 pounds of stone on my back. They make me weary. God wants me to drop my questions off with Him. He wants me to have faith that He is in control and He will take care of me. There is no easy way to do this, unfortunately. My prayer today is that I as well as all of you are able to turn to God in hard times and when you are questioning and drop your worries and whys off at His feet. After that, I pray, we are able to leave them there, turn around and glorify God in the midst of our troubles.

I encourage you to listen to Steven Curtis Chapman's 3 part interview on Focus on the Family. They are all found on the Focus on the Family website. They are named "The God of All Comfort".

Part 1: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001488.cfm

Part 2: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001489.cfm

Part 3: http://listen.family.org/daily/A000001490.cfm

Dear Mr. Hallmark

This was shared on the infertility site I go to, Stepping Stones. I know it is past Mother's Day but I wanted to share it anyway. Although I have no living children and had an early miscarriage I still believe I am a Mom. It is hard to deal with Mother's Day because I want to be a Mom so bad but also because I remember the baby I have that is living in Heaven. Next Mother's Day say a little prayer for those hurting on Mother's Day. They will so appreciate it.

A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven

Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

Mother's Day

My friend, Stacy, shared this on Stepping Stones, the Christian infertility forums I frequent and am a moderator for. It is from an email she received from her niece. It is a fitting poem for me especially on Mother's Day when I remember the baby I lost that the world has forgotten and as I long to hold a little one in my arms someday. To all my Stepping Stones sisters and all the women dealing with IF out there, I salute you. I salute you for your bravery as you go through month after month of disappointments. I salute you for your perseverance to keep pressing on. As my friend, Jess said, Happy Unmother's Day to you! I am thinking about you and praying for you today.

I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep,
explore,
and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother

To all Moms and soon-to-be Moms...Happy Mother's Day. May you remember what a beautiful and special treasure you have been given from God. Also, hope you get a little pampering today!

My Older Brother, Shawn

My brother, Shawn, is 3 years and 15 days older than I am. He was born on September 15, 1973. Due to a complication at birth Shawn is mentally retarded. I tell you this because it obviously plays a huge role in his life as well as ours.

I am told Shawn learned to speak when I did. I don't know much about Shawn growing up as I don't remember. But I do know he received speech therapy starting at a young age. I remember that he never road the same bus as I did until high school and I remember he did not attend the same school as I did, again, until high school. I remember that he would cut wood and mow the lawn. I remember that he never wanted to order meals when we were out to dinner. Instead, he would say, I will have what Dad has. I do remember the smiles and laughter coming from him. I too, remember the people that use to pick on him. I remember the strange looks he sometimes got. I will never forget the anger that would grow inside of me when I saw this or heard about it. He was my brother...how could someone pick on him? He was great! All you needed to do was get to know him to realize that. I soon grew to realize these people were ignorant. I remember feeling ever so protective of him.

One of the strongest memories I have of high school happened when I was in 9th grade. Shawn had been repeatedly picked on by another student. After taking a lot of picking and being pushed to his max he hit this student...believe it or not I remember what the kid looked like. Shawn was suspended. Only hours later a petition was circulating through the high school, started by Jennifer, in an attempt to get him back in school. His friends, the football and baseball players as well as many others signed this petition. He was soon back in school but the ignorance continued.

Then came the anxiety. There are tears in my eyes as I write about this. I remember endless nights of pacing and anxiety. I remember many times when I was scared for him. I remember endless different kinds of medication. I remember his being in the Elmira Psychiatric Center to detox from the wrong medication he was given. It was right before Christmas. I remember my Dad crying. I remember, when I was in college, the phone call I received while waitressing. Shawn was in he emergency room and was eventually taken to Hornell. I remember walking into the hospital that night and him not knowing who I was all because of the wrong medicine. I remember when I was living in Binghamton. I had the day off for a doctor's appointment. I got a call that Shawn was very ill and headed to Sayre hospital. It was serious. Later I found out he could have died because of the wrong medicine. His kidney's had shut down and his muscle exploded. After some dialysis treatments and a long hospital stay he was healed. I so vividly remember the day he started peeing again. Dad and I were at the hospital and he said he had to go to the bathroom. We got him on the comode, Dad holding the urinal in front of him and he started to pee. He peed and peed, filled the urinal and started going on the floor and Dad. We laughed and laughed...so excited because he was peeing!!!!!!

There have been many ups and downs since then. God sent Shawn a wonderful doctor who has helped him immensely. His name is Dr. Williams. He is in Rochester. He has, by far, helped Shawn more than any other doctor he has ever seen. We are so thankful to God for sending him to Shawn.

Throughout the years I have wanted Mom and Dad to find a group home for Shawn. I think he would flourish in one and become more and more independent. I believe he will blossom like the trees and flowers in the Spring. When I have spoken to my Parents regarding this I have been met with resistance. I talked to my Grandma Semple so many times about the situation. She agreed a group home would be wonderful, not just for Shawn but for Mom and Dad as well. Finally, a few weeks ago my Mom told me she had prayed and received signs pushing her towards a group home. She did some checking and found that there was a spot open in a home that 3 of Shawn's workers think is perfect for him. On Tuesday, May 5 I met with Mom, Dad, Uncle Jamie, Grandpa and 2 women regarding this. On Thursday, May 7 Mom, Dad and I went to see the home. As soon as I pulled in the driveway I loved it. There is a garden and 2 covered porches. It is an adorable house with new siding and a new roof. Once I walked in I was greeted with a very homey, nice living room. Hardwood floors, a fireplace, pictures of the gentleman that live there, a fish tank and 2 kittens only added to how nice it was. We toured the home and it is great! 3 bedrooms, 2 full baths, a computer area, a kitchen and a very nice atmosphere. One of the gentleman that lives there gave us the grand tour. He is talkative and nice. He actually reminds me of Shawn when he is having his good days. The decision was made to forge ahead on this path. Over the next few weeks the paperwork will be processed and approved, Shawn will be participating in visits and if all goes well he will begin a new chapter in his life. I sit here and cry as I am typing this. I cry because I am so excited about the possibilities for him. However, I also cry because of how difficult this is for us as a family and how difficult it might be for Shawn. I cry because I wish my Grandma was here to see this happening and for me to talk with about it. However, I know she is watching from Heaven and cheering us all on.

This brings me to some prayer requests. Please pray for the following:

• Shawn as he learns about this and him easing into this situation.
• My family as we work through him going on his own, especially my Dad who is experiencing a difficult time with this.
• The process and that Shawn will be accepted and this home still being available.

God's hand is on us. He is blessing us beyond measure. He will continue to bless us all. We have come this far "but by God".

This seems like a long post but when speaking about some one's almost 36 years on this earth it really isn't. I wish all of you were so blessed to know Shawn. He is loving, compassionate and a great joy. His smile and laugh is contagious. He really is one of my heroes because he has come through so much experience in life, not always good but he is still happy. He is a blessing! I will continue to update on this situation as well as share more memories.

Edward Hugh Lundgren

This past weekend I attended the memorial service of my Uncle. His name was Eddie. I knew him my entire life.

He was born on August 10, 1968. He went to live with my Grandparents, Hugh and Marie Lundgren when he was 5 weeks old. He was adopted by my Grandparents. Eddie lived his life with cerebral palsy. He enjoyed many things during his all too short, 40 years in this earth. He enjoyed Boxcar Willie, playing the guitar and the harmonica, Nascar and many other things. He enjoyed listening to medical books on the computer and learned a great deal about his disability. He laughed, as others described, from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. He was very intelligent. About 6-7 years ago he moved to Williamsport, Pennsylvania to make a life by himself. Up until that point he had lived with my Grandma. He learned the city and got around well thanks to his motorized wheelchair. About 6 months ago he made the decision to move back to Corning. On April 14 he passed away only a few months before his 41st birthday. He had a reunion with the parents that loved him unconditionally even though they were not blood related. Love overcomes blood.

The following excerpt from Hallelujah Square written by Ray Overholt was in the bulletin from Eddie's funeral:

"Now I saw a cripple dragging his feet,
He couldn't walk like we do down the street,
I said, "My friend, I feel sorry for you."
But he said, "Up in heaven I am going to walk just like you."
"I'll see all my friends in Hallelujah Square,
What a wonderful time we'll have up there.
We'll sing and praise Jesus His glory to share
And you will not see one cripple in Hallelujah Sqaure."

Eddie...I hope you are enjoying your new legs and the celebration with the parents you were so close to and missed do much.

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

A great reminder for all of us...

One Life to Love by 33 Miles

He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand
Until he started praying for, a second chance
If he could only do it all again
He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk
For all he missed

He tells his wife, "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you."

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love....

She never thought she cared so much about those little hands
That held on tight the day she left
Til she was scared to death
Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road
The sun had set on her big plans
To feel young again

She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice
That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life...
To love............

You only get just one time around
Only get one shot at this
One chance, to find out
The one thing that you don't wanna miss
One day when it's all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough, this
One ride, one try, one life........
One ride, one try, one life........
To love....
To love....

Family Support

My mind keeps drifting back to Saturday during the graveside service. My Grandpa was sitting in a chair. I had Grandpa's right shoulder, my Aunt Linda had his left shoulder, Jeanette had his left hand and my Dad had his right hand. Behind Aunt Linda and I stood my Uncle Harold, who had his arms around Aunt Linda and and I. What a beautiful picture of the support my family provides to one another. This is not the first time our family has come together to support one another...it is done all the time. I don't know what I would do without them. I feel bad for people that do not have the kind of family support I have...I am truly blessed by God. He gave me family...not just the ones I am close to in distance but those far away as well. I know there are a few of my family members that read this so to you I say...thank you and I love you!

Grandma Semple

Yesterday we buried my Grandma Semple. It was kind of a mess...the vault company had the wrong time (even after the confirmed the correct time) and did not arrive until 45 minutes after we had the service. We then were able to bury her. Grandpa and Jamie left as we were all going to Jeanette and Ernie's house for lunch. They made it to Corning so we had to call them to come back. All is all it was beautiful. We had roses for Grandma's grave...red from Grandpa and Jamie, white from Dad, Mom and Shawn and peach from Dustin and I. After the vault lid was on and the praying hands and name tag were on. I took one of the peach roses to drop on top. I figured it would be crooked but that thing landed so perfectly. It really was a beautiful picture left in my mind.

Grandpa had a rough day which is to be expected. He made it through so that is what matters. My prayers daily are for healing and strength for him, emotionally and physically.

About a week ago Dustin played a song for me that he had heard on the radio. He said it would be perfect to play at Grandma's burial. It was beautiful and of course made me cry. When Dustin started the Jeep up yesterday to go to Corning the song was playing. It is a beautiful song. Here are the lyrics to Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson:

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

You can also listen to it on YouTube...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k

For the song and video you can go here (there is a commercial prior to the video)...http://www.cmt.com/videos/alan-jackson/355885/sissys-song.jhtml

Beware...if you listen to it you just might cry.

My Bucket List

1. Be a Mom
2. Travel to Germany
3. Travel to the Western side of the United States
4. Take a cruise to Alaska
5. Lose weight and keep it off
6. Live in the country where I have no neighbors
7. Run a race...any "real" race
8. Read the Bible in a year


I guess that is it, for now at least. I thought it would be longer. Is that because I am happy with life? Is it because I am a simple person? Is it because I have experienced a lot in life already? Who knows? I am sure the people that really know me can answer that question better than I.

Kind of odd

My Mom and I purchased bulbs (tulips, daffodils, etc.) in the Fall but I never got my planted because of trying to get ready for my surgery. The other day I looked at the box...guess what...they are sprouting in the box! Here I was worried they would be bad and never grow. Tomorrow's job...GET THEM PLANTED...FINALLY!

Back in the game

I started Weight Watchers almost 3 weeks ago. The first two weeks I lost 7 pounds. This week has been very off and on. It is really hard to eat healthy when I am at home...too much access to bad foods.

I also would like to start running. It will definitely be a slow start because I am so out of shape but at least a start. I purchased new running shoes last week. They are yellow so I love them.

Life goes on, Stephanie, life goes on

A wise woman use to say to me often, Life goes on, Stephanie, life goes on. Who was that wise woman? My Grandma Semple. No matter what the problem she or I had she would say life goes on. Life truly does go on. However, there are those trying times when it seems life won't go on. The night we lost my Grandma Lundgren or Semple I could not even imagine life going on but it did. We had another loss in the family yesterday. My adopted Uncle Eddie passed away. So young but gone in an instant. Why does life go on? How do we get through the tough times, the times we don't think we can get through...let me tell you...God. I cannot imagine how unbelievers get through these times. The same wise woman who use to say life goes on also use to say another phrase...but by God.

Back by popular demand :D

Not really but I know I have not posted in a long time. I have thought of so many things to post but haven't done it. Thanks, Aunt Linda, for motivating me to get back into it. Love you!

Memories

One of the most treasured things we have are memories. Without memories we would forget the great times. Without memories we would forget the wonderful, special people we have had in our lives and lost in some way. We also have memories of the not so great things in life. The things we would like to forget but things that surely taught us a lesson or turned into good. As I get older I realize that memories do fade and memories get forgotten. They may resurface at some point because of something seen, heard or smelled because they are always there. But they are not as close the surface as they were when they happened. I want to record my memories. I don't want to forget the times I have had. I want to someday share them with my grandchildren. I urge you...write down your memories, share them, don't keep them inside to be forgotten or to fade.

So sad

My Grandma passed away last night. She was 83. On March 15 she would have been 84. I was close to Grandma. I talked to her 1-2 times each week and always on Monday evening around 7:00. She was one of my best friends. She listened, gave great advice and never judged. Although I knew we would not have her for another 15-20 years I did not think she would go Home this soon. Heaven gained an angel but I lost a Grandma and a best friend.

This is a picture of my Grandma and Grandpa in May 2007. It is one of my favorites.

Never fear, I am here...

I have not posted in what seems like forever. I went back to work on January 12. It was a rough week. I was exhausted and came home to sleep for a few hours then went to bed at 9:30 and slept all night. I could not believe how tired I was. I had surgery 6 weeks ago today. WOW!!! That seems so long ago but it has not felt like that long. I have experiencing a complication. I have developed a hole. It is the size of a quarter and sore. My plastic surgeon told me it will be a while before it heals. It is in a spot where 3 pieces of skin were tightly brought together. Some days it really gets me down and some days it really scares me but I know it will eventually heal. My other breast looks great! Here is a before picture and an after picture. Not great pictures but you get the idea. It is amazing the difference. This surgery truly was a life changing even for me.







There is nothing really going on right now. School is getting to that busy time. The time were I have to do around 80 reports and got to 80+ meetings. It makes the rest of the year go fast but it is oh so tiring!